Question:

What options does my girlfriend have to get rid of an abusive ex boyfriend ?

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My girlfriend has an abusive ex-boyfriend who she broke up with 3 years ago, yet he has continued to follow her, stalk her, and abuse her physically, verbally, and sexually. I recently discovered that he showed up uninvited at her house last night and hit her across the face and shoved her into a wall.

Naturally i am enraged and if she would tell me who he is and where he lives i feel i would have no problem in taking to his head with any heavy sharp object with the intention of killing this low-life scumbag.

All she has told me is that him and his uncle have both sexually and physically abused her.

I've told her i want her to go to the police, or tell someone about it or even get them sorted out by less legal means, but she insists that there is nothing we can do. she says that if he is put away, or even accused of doing this, then his uncle and father will come after her or her family.

from what i can think of, if the authorities are told we have no evidence of these events, and even if him and his uncle are locked away she is convinced that his family will come after her and her family.

if me and my friends confront him, same thing will happen.

short of murdering all three men, (which i feel capable of doing but know its not the solution) there seems to be no way of putting an end to this.

she also tells me 'it will be over soon, i can see it in his eyes when he looks at me that he is desperate and is losing interest'

the reason he has done these things to her is that he thinks by hitting her and scaring her he can make her want to be with him again-obviously the wrong way to go about it.

she thinks he will completely lose interest soon and leave her alone, but im not so convinced. i want to be sure he never walks the streets again, and spends the rest of his life in solitude and misery like he deserves.

i just don't know what i can do about it, and if anyone can be bothered to read this and offer some advice, i'd be very grateful

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14 ANSWERS


  1. Lightly suggest for her to have some counselling - she has been through a lot of trauma.... the counsellor will be able to go through steps for her to heal and also to take any action if needed.


  2. File restraining orders. Then when they are breached. have them arrested.

  3. first thing im gonna tell you and i help you really take it to heart, is to not get involved. as much as you love your girlfriend and want to protect her, shes right. messing with him and his family could end you up seriously hurt, killed or even being stalked by him too.second thing is to tell your girlfriend to change all her telephone numbers, emails anything that he can contact to get in touch with her. this wont go away if its been three years and hes still bothering her. another thing you should decide to do if you can, is move from where shes staying. the best advice would be to let her live with you because this way he wont know how to get to her. tell even her family to changw their numbers, anything to cut off all contact with him.and if she cant move in with you or out of where she currently stays, you should at least stay with her during the night to make sure he doesnt come around. also tell her to lock her doors and dont open them to him..  

  4. Listen to me. And dont disregard this ..AT ALL. I know your really trying to care very much for this girl. But if it has been 3 years and he still stalks her and she aint doing nothin about it, DO NOT pull yourself into this situation. You will end up doing something"hero~tic" but will only end up serving time, without the girl.

    She will tell you that he may come after her family, and may believe this, but has she ever really gone to the authorities, and stuck to her guns on each and everytime he comes uninvited, and demands a report written with the cops? And if she is threatened in any way, then call them again and report that also, demanding a report every single time. If she will not do any of this, then I am serious. Break it off with her...NOW. Because she doesnt "really" want him to go away. She likes it. Believe what I am saying. No matter how much she tries to tell you, that she is scared and doesnt want this behavior from her ex, if she aint doing nothing about it, she seriously likes it. And you will end up paying for it. Why do you want to do that? For Love? Hey Buddy, she aint over him yet..so the love is one-sided. If she, goes all-the-way and cooperates with authorities..then I would start believing her. Otherwise..YOU GO AND YOU GO NOW.  

  5. Control, not love, is behind this. Do your best to convince her that she CAN take that control back. He has her intimidated into helplessness, she won't act because of his reaction - which means he still has just just as much under his thumb as ever.

    You may need to move without a forwarding address. See the police and courthouse for advice, they deal with domestic violence and its aftermath a lot and may point you to something.

    I got a restraining order, and he did 2 years on probation for 24 violations of it in the end. Just need to hold out and do what's best, the system can be there to help instead of an enemy. I was terrified to involve anybody, especially since I expected my baby to be taken away from both of us, him for abuse and me for failing to run far enough, fast enough. In fact I got only support and a new start. And for all he was so tough with me, he never faced my family or anyone else except as a whiny victim. Everyone saw through him. Wife beaters don't go man-to-man with their in-laws, even if they have threatened their women with everything from killing the pets to burning down the house. Bullies crumble when the system calls their bluff.

  6. Well, you can't do anything without knowing who he is.  You need to have her get a restraining order against him.  If he was abusive and she ever filed a police report against him for anything you can find him that way.  Best way of course would just be to get your girlfriend to tell you.  Get the restraining order then the moment he breaks it get him sent to jail.

  7. You need to call the police. What if he doesn't lose interest? What if it takes him another year to stop? Look you can't take the chance. She could really be hurt, more than she already has been. I know she's scared and she has a right to be. And i know you don't want to do anything she doesn't approve of but if you really care about her, and it looks like you really do, then get help. Call the police. Get a restraining orders and have them arrested if he still trys to keep it up. Maybe it won't help. Who knows. But doing nothing sure as h**l won't. You can't let her go on like that. I know its hard but if I were you I would sit her down and convince her to call the police and get some real help. If she's still not up to it, really consider doing it anyway. It's her her own safety. I can't say what will happen  but, honestly, her life could be at stake. I wish you both the best and hope you get out of this.

  8. yes she can call the police and they will arrest him for assault. even if she doesn't want to file a report she can file a restraining order and once he comes near her, he's in direct violation and will be arrested every time he harasses her.  

  9. Look either speak with her family. they can try to help her or definitely get the police involved without her knowing.You cant handle this by yourselves, these people don't understand the word no. So speak to a police officer and tell your concerns and they'll try to find a way to fix the problem. They're PROS it's their job to deal with such people and they've handled many cases like this before, so you won't be the first. good luck

  10. call the police

  11. this is tough because any reasonable soloution you cant really do. i suggest getting a restraining order against him and the uncle for her and her family.....but then that involves going to the police etc. you could always pack up and move, although that seems like "running away" its just a fresh start where you  dont have to worry about him.....good luck

  12. U DIDNT SAY HOW OLD EITHER O FU R,,SO LETS SAY IF YOUR 18 U COULD MOVE HER AWAY ,,BUT I HAVE A FEELING SHES NOT 18,N WHY  DOESNT HER MOM OR DAD DO SOMETHING TO HELP HER,,,OK SHE NEEDS TO GO TO THE POLICE,,IF MY DAUGHTER HAD WENT TO THE POLICE SHE WOULD B  ALIVE TODAY,,AND TELL HER I F SHE DOESNT TRY TO GET HIM OFF THE STREETS,IF HE DOESNT TRY TO KILL HER HE WILL THE NEXT UNSUSPECTING GF,,,AND SHE WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH THE FACT THAT SHE COULD HAVE SAVED THE GIRLS LIFE JUST BY GOING TO THE POLICE N TELLING THE TRUTH..PEACE

  13. Honestly, if it were me, I would tell her that if she will not do the right thing and press charges against them, I'm gone.  I would tell her that if she will press charges, that I would stand by her.  At the very least, she needs a restraining order issued against these people.  Tell her that if she doesn't do something, she is giving all 3 the green light to abuse others like they've abused her.  Another alternative would be to find a police officer to have words with all 3 and make it very clear that if any harm comes to your girlfriend in the future, the police will know who to come for.  In a perfect world, all 3 need to be removed from existence by excessive force.  Unfortunately, our judicial system frowns upon Charles Bronson Death Wish type behavior.

  14. kill him will hes sleeping

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