What qualities make someone anti-adoption?

Question

I am just curious, as I was recently named as someone who is anti-adoption even though I have two adopted children. What qualities does someone have for them to be labeled as an "adoption hater" or "anti-adoption"? Does the fact that I see an unpleasant side make me anti? This is not meant to be a "baiting" question, I'm sincerely curious as I'm confused by my being labeled as such.

Answer 1

I would consider someone to be anti-adoption if they believe the ALL adoption is wrong no matter what the situation and strive to hurt someone who has chose adoption as a way to become a parent. I don't come on here hoping to get answers like "your the best mommy for doing what you did" , but rather I want to see all views so it will help me make a more informed decision. I think this section on adoption and doesn't accuratly represens the WHOLE population, but that can be expected. If someone was at peace with their life and decisions, then they wouldn't be on here. ( I does Irk me though when someone ask bogus questions just to get everone worked up, you know the ones who calims they are a 17 year old woth twins and later they're 27 looking to get her twins back).

I don't think ANYONE believes that adoption is anywhere near 100% perfect, but it needs to be an option. Like I've said before, my son would have been aborted at 24 weeks. by the grace of God she decided to wait a few more weeks and give him life. THAT'S AMAZING, don't you think the lifelong pain from abortion would be tremendous also, or raising a child that you've injured and having to answer questions about his health on a regular basis?

I am ALL for adoption reform. I think it's wrong that ANYONE profit from adoption. If it were government run coarsion would be near eliminated and women would be fully informed of their rights.

Answer 2

The people who call out these so-called 'haters' seem to be suffering from cognitive dissonance.  From Wikipedia:

Cognitive dissonance is a psychological term describing the uncomfortable tension that may result from having two conflicting thoughts at the same time, or from engaging in behavior that conflicts with one's beliefs, or from experiencing apparently conflicting phenomena.

In simple terms, it can be the filtering of information that conflicts with what you already believe, in an effort to ignore that information and reinforce your beliefs

Answer 3

It is because you believe that adoption needs to be reformed.  Anyone who promotes adoptee access laws is considered anti-adoption.  That is the label that the NCFA gave us years ago.  I for one commend you for being able to see the dark side of adoption.  Most adoptive parents don't. It took my adoptive mother two years to realize that there is a dark side.  She is VERY proud of me fighting the good fight.

Answer 4

Yet you listed a whole lot of us as "adoption haters" when many of the people on that list have never said anything hurtful to you at all?

At least I know I haven't, so I'm not sure why you put a whole lot of people under the same stereotype?

I am not against all adoptions. I think adopting a child that is without a loving mother is a wonderful thing. A child who is TRULY without a home. Adopting a child from a woman who loves her child, but is without resources, is just really really sad to me. Why not join the "team" and help her find the resources she needs and believe in herself!!

Otherwise, adopt a child that has abusive parents/abandoning parents/ parents are dead etc etc...

So many kids are in the foster care system and even AVAILABLE for adoption needing homes and they get overlooked in favor a baby that HAS A LOVING MOTHER ALREADY! That sucks... : )

I don't think feeling that way is the same as being an "adoption hater".

I just want to be sure that every woman considering plaing her child has access and knowledge of financial and emotional support resources, and is emotionally supported to believe in herself and her ability to provide a loving home! If she has good resources and knows she can provide good things for her child, but still doesn't want to parent, that is her choice...

(but I just can't relate because I believe that if you really love your kid and you know you CAN do it even if it's hard, then you want to keep them!!) So the part I want to change for people, is the part where they believe it is not possible to give their child a good life, or connect them with resources they didn't know existed to MAKE it possible, before it's too late and they lose their child forever!

Answer 5

I am not anti-adoption nor am I an adoption hater. I was not on the ban list but I have to say it made me really sad.

I do think it is interesting how quickly people are labeling each other and making lists.  They're actually making LISTS!!!  It's kind of ridiculous.

I don't even think I've been here a week and I've received plenty of thumbs down but I'm not blocking anybody for it.

I'm a big girl and I realize not everyone is going to agree with me.  If you want to give me a thumbs down, thumb away.  I mean seriously, if you're ready to block people for thumbing you, and make lists of people to "get banned" because they disagree with you,maybe Yahoo Answers is not the place for you're sensitive heart.

And lastly, when people come to YA asking where they can get a kid for the lowest price, they're are going to hear it from people who disagree with them because their statements are offensive.

Adoptees are people.  Those cute little babies grow up to be real, thinking people.  Not commodities.  And anyway, buying and selling babies has been illegal for a long time so asking prices is just reprehensible IMO.  Please try asking questions that are respectful to all who read here.

Answer 6

If your children are adopted, then I see now viable reason as to why anyone would say that you are anti-adoption.

Answer 7

I think these are people who have a very one-sided view of adoption and refuse to understand that even something that they hold dear to their hearts has a negative side to it.

You have spoken about the pain that separation from one's mother can cause an adoptee.  Does that mean you are anti-adoption?  In some people's eyes, that might be so.

Some people might say that relinquishing a child can bring a lifetime of pain to a natrual mother.  This might make you anti-adoption in some people's minds.

I might say that closed records and sealed birth certificates are unfair and a violation of my civil rights.  To some people, this makes me anti-adotpion.

There are just people in the world who only want to believe that adoption is 100% perfect and wonderful, that it only brings happiness to everyone involved, and that there are absolutely no flaws in the system whatsoever.  These are the people who will label you anti-adoption if you have anything negative to say about adoption, even if you are speaking from your own personal experience.

And in my own opinion, that's quite sad, because as with everything in life, NOTHING is 100% good, there is good and bad in EVERYTHING.  Heck even rainbows, you need rain to make a rainbow, and rain can cause devastating floods, can it not?

Answer 8

I don't get it either Marsha.

And to think that the person that made the list is all over the internet begging for someone to give her their child - but can't show compassion and openness to losses and hurt in adoption.

Showing such a happy-happy face on some sites - but really showing an ugly and mean-spirited side on here.

It's sad when those that just want a baby at any cost have to make such outrageous statements against those that have a differing view - just so they can win a debate!!

I would think that really only the forward thinking and compassionate adoptive parents could seriously look into all sides of adoption with an open heart and an open mind - so that when an adoption does take place - they are truly making a fully informed and sound decision.

All the better for the child really.

(remember - it's supposed to be in the best interests of the CHILD - not the adoptive parent)

--------------------------------------...

Added for Adopt-With-Love below me:

So, have you proof that any of us wrote that email??

I'm sorry that you have received such an email - as you are obviously upset by it - but you also have to remember that you have your profile out in the public space (in many areas - all linked to one another) - and anyone in the world could have left that message there.

You apparently feel no ill calling others by mean and nasty names and labels - yet you stamp your feet when others do it to you.

Truly - I personally have always believed that 'what goes around - comes around' in life.

Treat others with respect and compassion - and that is all of what you shall receive in return.

I can personally vouch for many on your list - and categorically say that they would never write such a thing to a prospective adoptive parent.

Oh - but yeah - I've been deemed an adoption hater - so my word means zip. Right?

I've never seen someone write to you like that here.

Yet you make a list - stating who YOU believe to be the adoption-haters.

And now you are saying to Marsha that only an adoptee who is an adoptive parent can be an adoption educator???

I don't get it.

I'm really sorry that you have taken so many things to heart - when quite clearly so many have not been directed towards you personally.

Seriously - take a step back - remember to breathe.

For people to make informed decisions that last a life-time - and that impact so many - they need to at least be aware of all the facts and the possible outcomes.

If they don't want to listen to all of them - that is their decision to make.

Why is it so upsetting to you to have people put forward a differing opinion to your own????

Besides this question - which was posed simply because YOU ranted and raved about the so-called adoption-haters - most questions are asked and answered - with no mention of any links to you.

Please don't take it all so personally.

It really isn't about you.

It's about the children. And about what's in the best interests of the children.

Peace!

Answer 9

Adoption sears our emotions and sends many of us tearing away from reality -- into denial.  Our lusts, greeds and self righteous egos throw us out of balance with our hearts and compassion.  Then we create more separation by labeling whoever discomforts us as hateful and wrong.

Answer 10

Well, by what I've been reading here lately it seems you are anti-adoption if:

1) you can see that there are problems within the system

2) you speak of the pain of separation, whether it be from the adoptee point of view of the natural parents view

3) you believe an adoptees rights have been violated because records are sealed and you aren't allowed access to your files or original birth certificate

4) you simply don't think adoption is 100% wonderful

I guess I could go on and on but it seems that what it boils down to is if you don't agree with the majority here, or are friends with certain people then you are an adoption hater.

That's just crazy that you, as an adoptive parent, have been labeled this way by people who obviously know nothing about you. Guilt by association seems to be the case.

Answer 11

I got labeled a hater in that lovely question too. I have only posted in the adoption section maybe twice so I know it wasn't my answers that got me labeled. In this case it is a person with a grudge deciding that if you are friends with her enemy you are anti-adoption. Just silly school yard games.

Answer 12

Probably because you're my friend, and I have you on my friends list, and they don't take everyone for themselves, they just d**n by association.

Either that or they're too ignorant to HEAR what you're saying in your words, and as soon as they hear anything negetive in adoption they immediately lable the typist or speaker as anti-adoption. Shut them out, must stay in "adopchun is wunnerful" world, we are robots, we are happy, our children are happy and everything is wonderful. Its amazing, beautiful and the best for all of us, baaaaa baaaaa baaaaaa.

Answer 13

Let me start by saying that I never even thought that there were adoption haters until I came to yahoo.  I have no problem with learning about the darkside of the adoption industry, however, I do not need it shoved down my throat with such evil and unbelievable words.  So having said that, I do not label someone as an adoption hater just because they undertstand the darkside of adoption and want to teach others.  If people would give answers and questions like florida girl does that would be awesome.......Florida girl seems to have lots of information to share and does notexpect to change the world.  NOr does she get so mad if I am not interested.  I will give you an example of an adoption hater.  This person just emailed me this unbelievably evil hateful email and I was absolutely shocked.  SO THIS is what I call an adoption hater (I am cutting and pasting the email verbatim , minus my name which they got from my personal webpage)....here goes.......

"Adopt-with-love  is an infertile out to steal someone else's baby. Why do you insist on going against nature by not accepting your infertility? This was no 'mistake'. You are a spiteful, unkind, and shallow woman. Oh, and a terrible speller to boot. I feel soooooo sorry for the child in your home. I pray he finds his REAL mother someday!"

So that is what I define as an adoption hater...someone who is out there to bash other people just because they are looking to adopt a child.  BTW, I am not infertile and my son is my biological son.  

You having had adopted 2 children would not be anti adoption in my book.  You are an adoptee and an adopter that is aware of BOTH sides of the process.....You can be an adoption EDUCATOR!

Possum:

Your tounge lashing is a fine example of what I am talking about...........SO ......case in point.   I was just answering a good question that Marsha wrote thats all.  I'm sorry you dont agree with my answer but remember to "Just breathe" (as you put it) .  For the record, I did not call this questioner an adoption hater she didnt make the list like you did.  

BTW, since the first thing you mentioned was "So, have you proof that any of us wrote that email??  No and I never even eluded to that.............hmmmmmmmmmmm, do you know something that perhaps I dont???  Well since YOU asked, I do wonder what they meant when they said my spelling is bad  (when really its my typing that has a lot to be desired and WHO CARES ANYWAYS, REALLY????).  I am gonna say that since my webpage has no spelling errors on it and I do quite a bit of typing on this site  ................................. hmmmmmmmmmm...walks like a duck, smells like a duck, quacks like a duck....................hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

It really doesnt matter to me anyways who wrote it.  I was just using it as an example of what Marsha was asking....it really does not matter to me who wrote it.  Just to think that there are people out there who would do such an EVIL thing and then to call themselves an adoptee advocate.  I know if I was an adoptee advocate I would not want this person on my side.  

As you stated:  "Treat others with respect and compassion - and that is all of what you shall receive in return."  I was NEVER disrespectful to anyone on here UNTIL I became a target because I am looking to adopt a US infant and I am utilizing the world wide web.  I have never asked a "question" on here about my advertising techniques, however, many people seem to think that they can scream and yell at me for it....you dont think thats being disrespectful?  I do.  This is a "question and answer" forum...not an adoption activist website.  GET IT???  Now if I went on a "family preservation" website with my page then I would expect it, but here.......i never asked a "question" about anyones opinion about my webpage but for some reason those that dont like it seem to think its okay to bash me, target me, and NOW email me with SICK comments.  So you are right...what comes around goes around....  So .......touche.

I never said that ONLY someone who has experience on both sides can be an educator.... OH FORGET IT !!  This is just a losing battle with you.  You are right...you obviously dont get it.  ALL I DID WAS ANSWER A QUESTION FOR GODS SAKE!!

Rox: was your answer directed to me or the questioner???  I didnt ask a question but I will asume it was to me.  I APPRECIATE your NON attacking words and you not shoving your information down my throat.  I respect your information regarding foster care adoption.  That is just not for me and my family at this time.  Perhaps in the future though as I was once a foster parent (starting at age 21 through 28) and I was a Professional in the field for 15 years.  We are interested only in adopting a little baby, please respect my decision and dont attack me over it.  If you cannot respect that this is what we want in our lives, then that is okay, but I would much rather not hear about it UNLESS I ASK!  Lastly Rox, I probably have another side to adopting foster kids that might be enlightening for you (and perhaps others) but I really don't think anyone is open to hearing that either.  As with domestic adoption, there is a dark side to adopting foster children......DON'T GET ME WRONG, I am all for it...but there is another side to it...its not perfect either.

So ROX, your point is well taken, especially since you did not try to shove it down my throat.  Sorry for catagorizing you with the others that come to mind....I was wrong.

Answer 14

Well there are people who are anti-adoption and then there are people who are anti-adoption in western law where the birth parents are cut out for good with no option of getting on their feet and getting their kids back.

I for one am a mother of an adopted child also and I would label myself as anti-western style adoption.

Answer 15

I’d say someone is just fully against adoption no matter what the reason. The people with attitude of either keep or abort.  Sure adoption isn’t always wonderfully, but nor is being raised with biological family either.  There are pros and cons to everything.

Answer 16

Just me personally it is more about HOW you present your views and opinions than WHAT your views actually are. I am offended when I ask a question and do not word it exactly correct that mean things are said, I hate it when I see a adoptee who is expressing view about having had a good adoption experience and see that he has 13 thumbs down, or an adoptive mother asking a question to to be treated like c**p and accused of stealing her child or forcing the birth mother to give him up...That's not fair.. its not right and it is not helping your case in speaking out for adoptee rights..which all of us do care about..