What questions should adoptive parents ask themselves before even considering adoption?

Question

How can they best protect the rights of the child? How can they best serve the childs emotional needs? I understand family preservation is an ultimate goal for many of you however adoptions will continue to take place. It is my understanding that the US falls severly behind, even some third world countries, when it comes to protecting the rights of children and in reform of the adoption "industry". (I feel really uncomfortable using the word "industry" for obvious reasons.) I know I've been a pain in the *** but I sincerely can not get this off my mind. I want to learn. I want to share what I am taught with others. I want to do anything I can do to save even one child from a lifetime of pain. I consider myself to be fairly intune to the issues of the day, but I have never seen such violation of children in my life. It saddens me terribly as I love children so.Thank you.

Answer 1

One thing PAP's should ask is if they can commit to keeping an open adoption open.  This is a commitment made not only to the natural parents, but also to the child.  Granted, situations occur, but there are ways of handling issues other than simply cutting off contact.  Not all AP's do this, but it does happen.

Also, can the PAP be willing to listen to and encourage any questions the child may have?  Is the PAP willing to answer honestly, even if it makes him/her feel a little insecure?

Is the PAP willing to read literature that discusses different topics pertinent to adoption and being adopted?  This is quite important, as no one can talk about what it is to be adopted except people who are adopted.

Is the PAP willing to support adoptee rights?  Will the PAP hold all documents, including at least one copy of the child's original birth certificate, to give to the child later?  This is part of openess, honesty and allowing the adopted person the dignity of his/her truth and own documents.

Many people will have a lot more to add, but these are just a couple of thoughts off the top of my head.

eta:

You may also want to question how to make certain that your child doesn't turn out like graphite/ziggy.  He has no insight.

eta:

Jennifer, a lot of adoptees who are well adjusted are simply asking to reform the adoption system itself, which is in great need of repair.  The fact that they can see the need for improvement AND be able to put into action that which can help attain that improvement is, indeed, indicative of that high level of adjustment.

Answer 2

First time I'm looking at the adoption segment of this site and I'm amazed at the negativity.

Answer 3

The main question to ask themselves.is are they ready to provide that child a home that will forever be comfortable, until that child reaches the age to leave. The rights of children and violations of them is because people who should be in place to see and provide it aren't doing a good job for the children

When my wife and I applied to adopt a child, there wasn't anything made easy, complete background checks, home inspections, going before a group of board members to answer questions, there were alot of things that had to be done before we could proceed. My children are now grown, a girl and boy, the rewards we have been given without asking, have been more than what anyone could expect.

You talk about reforming the adoption industry, it shouldn't be an industry but because we have allowed policy to get involved it has become that.

Answer 4

You know, I've been struggling with this same thing lately.  I found myself near tears after reading a website that someone had posted in an answer on here that was very anti-adoption.  In case anyone doesn't already know, I'm a PAP waiting for a child or sibling group from foster care.  I understand that children should not be adopted when there is no NEED, and that kids in foster care who's parents have had TPR do actually have a NEED for a family...but now I'm even questioning that.  I argued earlier today that a child is being raised by a family member shouldn't call these family members "mom" and "dad".  But that makes me wonder...how can I then have my kids call me "mom"?  I'm no substitute for the biological ties my child(ren) have with their first family.  No matter what I do, my child(ren) will have a lot to deal with, and I have no control over how they deal with it, and how well they deal with it.  With all of the above running through my mind, I'm wondering not what I need to know before adopting...I'm wondering how I can ever JUSTIFY adopting?  I mean, is it really better to have a "new" family?  Or would it be better to leave these kids in foster care?  I just don't know anymore.  I've been trying to formulate a question to ask on here from all this, but haven't been able to come up with anything yet.  I apologize for going on and on...just my thoughts.

I guess my point is, you should never stop asking yourself questions about adoption.  If you are thinking of adopting, you'll never, ever have enough information.  There will always be something more to learn, especially from the adoptee's perspective.  And very few of those questions will have easy answers.

Answer 5

From you:

"I understand family preservation is an ultimate goal for many of you however adoptions will continue to take place"

Why wouldn't this be a goal for everyone?  Seriously, I don't get it.

I think potential adopters should INTERNALIZE that they are only part of the adoptee's family.  That adoptees already have parents.  Because that's the truth.  

I am a 43 y.o. woman who has been in a close, personal relationship with my natural mother for 20 years. There will only be more of this in the future.  If you no likey the sound of this--adoption is NOT for you.

Answer 6

these are all questions we asked ourselves before even beggining the adoption process.

do we want to be pregnant or parents?  the answer was parents hands down.  

can we truely respect and be compassionate that we are not our child's only parents?  if you don't understand you are not your child's only parents and respect that you are not respecting who your child really is.

do we want an open or closed adoption?  we chose open.  we felt this was the best way for our child to grow up knowing where she came from and to have important contact with her bio family.

do we want domestic or international?  we choose domestic.  international didn't allow for the type of openess of an adoption we were seeking.  

how can we best prepare our family and friends for our child?  we talked with everyone who will have contact with our child as they grow to what we expected.  for example, not speaking poorly of our child's other parents, not singling them out as being our adopted child and other  things we didn't want to happen as our child grows.  we know we can't stop all insinsitive comments, but wanted to educate those who would be the closest to our child.  

can we provide this child with the love and all the security and well being that this child deserves?  we felt that by having an ongoing relationship with her other parents with visits and all other types of contact we would best serve our child's needs this way.

each situation is individual and i know it doesn't apply to all adoptions.  but in my opinion if at all possible contact with the bio family is a must.  that child deserves the right to know themself fully.

Answer 7

dont get a divorce like my adoptive parents did when I was just 2.

Answer 8

Open adoption. Take a look around and learn from some of the adoptees here, most mothers themselves now, still trying to find out who they are and where they came from.

I'll say it again...Open Adoption.

Answer 9

will i have ot pay for therapy after my child visits this site and finds out that he can longer be happy even though he was happy befor this site got hold of him

Answer 10

they should ask themselves, "why do i NEED to purchase someone's child?"

Answer 11

Do they understand that they are not getting a replacement for the child that they will not be able to have?

Do they understand that this child they are planning on adopting might want to understand their own roots, heritage, and medical history?

Do they understand that it does hurt a majority of natural moms to relinquish their child?  That they are undertaking a huge responsibility not just to that child but to those natural parents as well?

Are they making this adoption child centric and not about themselves solely? This came from an adoption agency director out of San Antonio. She realizes that she will ultimately answer to those adoptees when they become adults.  

Did they do everything in their power to make sure that there was no coercion or deception involved in the adoption?  

Is the adoption open?  Does the adoptive parents have contact with the natural parents involved in creating their child?

Are they capable of being kind and respectful to the natural parents of their child?

Those are just the few that come to my head.  I might add more later.

Answer 12

This is a question our social worker asked during our first meeting with her. " What is more important, being a parent or how you became a parent?"  It was not a question for us to answer to her, but to ourselves.  to us though the answer was being a parent.