What r sum funny jokes to tell my bros/frends?

Question

Sum deadly jokes thx

Answer 1

when their looking for a job....tell them the lumber yard is hiring...

need someone to put rubbers on the termites..

..so they don't f...up the wood

Answer 2

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of s*x.

The 1st kind of s*x is called: Smurf s*x. * This kind of s*x happens when you first meet Someone and you both have s*x until you are Blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of s*x is called: Kitchen s*x. * This is when you have been with your partner For a short time and you are so needy you will Have s*x anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of s*x is called: Bedroom s*x. * This is when you have been with your partner For a long time. Your s*x has gotten routine and You usually have s*x only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of s*x is called: Hallway s*x * This is when you have been with your partner For too long When you pass each other in the Hallway you both say 's***w you.'

The 5th kind of s*x is called: Religious s*x. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun In the afternoon and Nun at night.(Ver y Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom s*x. * This is when you cannot stand your wife any More. She takes you to court and screws you In front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of s*x is called: Social Security s*x. * You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.

I have enough problems of my own !

--------------------------------------...

One day, Little Red Riding Hood was going to visit her grandma. As she was about to walk out the door, her mother asked her where she was going.

"I am going to visit my grandmother." She said.

"You must be careful, the big bad wolf is there and he likes to play with boobies." said the mother.

"It's ok, I have my gun with me." she says

She continues out the door and down the road when she comes upon her father out in the fields. He too, asked where she was going. She responded the same as she had to her mother.

"You must be careful, the big bad wolf is out there and he likes to play with boobies." he said

"It's ok father, I have my gun with me." she said

She continues on her way and starts into the woods. Suddenly the big bad wolf pops out in front of her.

He says to her, "Little Red Riding Hood, I'm gonna play with your boobies!"

She pulls her gun out and points it at him and says: "No you're not, you're going to eat me, just like the book says!!"

--------------------------------------...

There once was a guy who meet a women in a bar. They hanged out and got drunk; the lady asks the guy if he would like to go back to her place and the guy said yes

So off they went once the door opened bam! they started to go at it. They reached the bed half way naked. The guy is doing it and there was a picture of a man on top of the bed and will there still in the action

The guy asks: 'who is that guy right there in the picture, is that your boyfriend?' She says: 'No'. 'Is that your brother?' She says: 'No'. 'Is that your dad?' She says 'No'. So the guys asks her: 'Well who is it?'

She says 'That's me before my surgery!!!!' lol

--------------------------------------...

Joe suffers acute pain on his p***s one day. He goes to see a doctor. The doctor examines him and tells him the bad news, "Son, there is no way. We will have to chop your p***s off." Joe excalims, "What?! Chop what off?! But doc, I need to..." The doctor replis, "Sorry son, but there is no other way."

Joe goes to see another doctor...same story.

He finally hears that there is a "medicine man" that might be able to help him. After the "medicine man" exmaines Joe, he went back to the medicine room and returns with a big smile on his face. Joe inquires, "Please tell me that we don't have to chop it off!" The "medicine man" says, "Chop it off?! No way! Just take this paste and rub it on your p***s for two weeks and come back to me." Joe is full of joy and thanks the "medicine man" and goes home. He applies the paste everyday for two weeks and returns to the "medicine man." The "medicine man" examines Joe again and mutters, "Hmm...very good. I see that the medicine is working great." Joe asks, "Oh thank you! So there is no need to chop it off?" The "medicine man" replies, "No, no, no, it'll just fall off by itself."

--------------------------------------...

A Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself

Man: 'May I buy you a cocktail?'

Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.'

Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'

Maxine: 'No, they spread.

--------------------------------------...

An old man went by the shoe store one day and bought a pair of boots. He came home to his lovely old wife standing in the kitchen. "Honey, do you notice any different about me?" he asked. She said, "Did you get a haircut?" "No," he said. "Look closer." She looked harder and still couldn't tell.

The old man left the room and came back a few minutes later naked except for his boots. "Honey, now do you notice any different about me?" he asked. The wife replied, "Well, your d**k was down yesterday, it's down today, and it will be down forever." "You know why it's down?" he asked. "Cause it's looking at my new boots!" The wife nonchalantly replied, "You should have bought a hat."

--------------------------------------...

A guy is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and, although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry, do you know me?"

She replies " I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children".

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful.

"Christ" he says. "Are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ****?

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher."

Answer 3

you so fat I poured a half of cup of water in the tub and when you sat down it over flowed

Answer 4

Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

      

      The two Americans just stare at him.

      

      "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

      

      The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

      

      "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Answer 5

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Answer 6

When they ask about something smelling bad, tell them to check their upper lip.  You are implying that the location of the smell is on their upper lip - hi-larious!

Answer 7

A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigette Bardot. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed to her b***s.

The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests the tattoo on her *** instead.

She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock. When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the art work. "What do you think?" the wife says.

"Uh, who the h**l is Bob?" the husband replies.