What rationale is used to decide to not have a relationship with your child?

Question

Trying to understand the mindset of a person who decides to not communicate, or have much to do with, their child? My Father was like this, beginning when I was 3 years old, and I have asked him, but I don't really get a straight answer, only irritation. The whole Michael Phelps story has come up, and it's prompted me to ponder and ask this question. So, anyone have any personal experience that could shed some light on this?

Answer 1

my father's excuses were:

"It was always so difficult to deal w/ your mother" (he would pick fights w/her and try to pry about what she was doing and who she was seeing and be pizzed off because she wouldn't have s*x with him---never mind he married his mistress and was supposed to be happier w/her.)

"It was too painful to deal with the past and you were a constant reminder of that past."  (Gee thanks, dad.  F you, too)

"I called you once a week but your mother always refused to let you talk on the phone to me.  I sent presents all the time and your mother always sent them back unopened.  I don't know why she would keep them from you."    (HA.  BIG LIE.  HELLO!!  Latchkey kid here.  Leave the house after mom and get home before mom.  Alone a lot because mom had to work her butt off to support us because he wasn't paying child support.  which means, I answered the phone.  I checked the mail.  Nice....making my lack of relationship w/him my mother's fault)

There were so many more lies.  The man can't open his mouth and not have a lie come out.

Basically, the dad or mom who doesn't want a relationship with their child is VERY selfish and they don't want to be inconvenienced.  

When you're an adult--if you're not already--he will try to re-enter your life because then you will no longer require anything of him and it's now convienient to be daddy.  Expect to see him sometime after you're married and have children--he won't want to be there to pay for the wedding but he'll want to be granddaddy.  Basically, he will want the glory without the work.  You get to decide whether or not he's changed and whether or not he has anything of value to contribute to your life.  Don't feel that you have let him back in because he's "dad".  And whatever you do, DO NOT let him back in your life expecting to somehow recapture and change your past.  It's not going to happen.  You can't go back and get what you never had.  You have to deal with who he is in the present and not who you wanted him to be in the past.  You will NEVER have a parent/child relationship with him.  It would have to be more a friend type relationship or a mentor/protege relationship.  You'll have to adjust your expectations if want him back in your life.

Mourn the loss of your past and the loss of your fantasies.  Then accept and move forward with your reality. (It took me until my late 20s/early 30s to get to that point--I wish I could have got there sooner because I believe that it held me back for too long)

Good Luck.

Answer 2

Some people I think, let their anger take over and control the situation, so they decide it is better to cut all ties.

Or they have no feelings and emotions to begin with, I honestly do not really understand either, and I think when a person is asked this question, they may feel guilty about it for the first time, and do not know how to respond. Or they known all along it was wrong, but did not know how to go about making it right again.