What reason did you have for giving your child up for adoption?

Question

Any regrets?

Answer 1

Good question, and although it is not applicable to me, I shall watch the results!!

Answer 2

i believed that i was unable to effectively parent my son, since his father and i were not in a good relationship.  i'd seen many of my friends go through horrible situations with their children's fathers; and were abandoned by them after the baby came.  i also saw many young women drop out of college and end up on welfare.  i just didn't want that to be me.

although i did NOT place (i changed my mind shortly before birth) i do understand why women do it.  not all women who make adoption plans are drug addicts or irresponsible.  most are simply young women who had s*x and got pregnant. nothing more, nothing less..

as for the regret, i unfortunately can't answer that one, since i didn't place in the end.

Answer 3

Unless you were in the same possition or an adopted child as I am, I really dont belive there is any reason that you could understand.

Edit.

You missunderstand me, or perhaps I am on the defensive, I was adopted as a child and have over time managed to bring myself to understand how someone could give up a child, There only ever seem to be a few reasons that people do this and most are met with hostility and rudeness from others, even more so on open forums. I find it hard to belive that any parent would not have some level of regret but as is the case with both mother and child..time is a great healer.

Answer 4

The father of my baby (who I am now married to) and I were working part time jobs.  We were both not putting effort into college.  Once my family learned I was pregnant, they made it clear that if I were to parent my baby that I would have to do it completely on my own.  We looked around at apartments, but with no support and no guidance of how exactly we were to get through that rough time of being poor on our own, we decided to buy into the idea that a person could place their child for adoption and just move on with life like the child/pregnancy didn't impact our lives.

As soon as we matched with potential adoptive couple, we associated the baby as being their baby.  We did everything we could to sign all papers in the most quick manner allowed including one that we really didn't need to sign waiving our time period to change our minds.

That first year was so horrible.  Having to come to terms with being what most people would call a selfless saint for doing the right thing for our baby, and knowing at the the same time I was the selfish jerk who just wanted my own life to continue on like it was.  The plurality of emotions put me into serious depression and took away any action or fight out of me.

Do I regret what happened?  Yes.  But to put words to exactly what I regret is not something I wish to have dissected by those who haven't walked in my shoes.  Just as my first year of being a birthmother, my regret is just as conflicted with plurality.

Edit: "These children ALL have their own stories and there is no shame on either the child or the parents in relation to being adopted."

I wanted to reply to that statement though.  That's nice for you to say and all, but you have probably never placed your own child for adoption.  I hope you never have to face those circumstances.  The choice does come with a sizable portion of shame.  I am ashamed I didn't rise to the challenge to parent my son.

Answer 5

Reason for relinquishing:  16 years old, angry, life going downhill, no support, severely doubted my abilities as a parent.

Regrets:  I judged myself too harshly all those years ago. Looking back on it now, I think I would have been a capable parent.  I also regret not being his mother.

Outcome:  My son is doing well.  He's a happy kid and has a great family.  However the regrets, as stated above, linger.

Answer 6

I got preganent at 21yrs but I was a imature 21yr old &13mths 1week & 5days later had my 2nd  tured out I never realy knew the father like I thought . He turned out to be a s*x beast , kidnapped the children in Iraland , raped 2 18yr old hich hikers in the car & pistal whipped them as the children sat in the back watching  ( I never found out that till 4yrs ago ) All of a sudden I got a phone call from his friend to tell me he wanted to met me in Dublin to hand the  children over to me but something in his voice tald me not to go & I missed him then I found out he had pland to kill me & my children as he tald his best friend that if he could not have us then no one could , after he raped the 2 girls ( diffrent times) the 2nd one escaped to a garage & asked the owner for help , she forgot to say that there were two young toddlers in the back . The polices or rather the garda's got the call that there was a rapest with a gun so they chased him gun shots were fired , he managed to get far enuf in front to stop a 16yr old girl in the street handed the children over , gave her a phone number & money & asked her to phone his mate but she was more sesible than he thought & she phoned the police .Because they did not have emergincy fostering my children were addmitted to the local hospital & checked over . The first I knew about this was at work the fallowing day when people were comming up to me & telling me thay had seen my babbies on the news . I had to go over to Iraland to get them released into my care which he hated & sware he would find us & kill us , I tryed to go back to the way we were but they were out of controll & I could not coup & one night I was feeling realy exosted I was ready to hit the sack when my youngest woke up she was about to hit her big brother over the head with her bottle ( she was only 16mths & he was 2 1/2ys ) any way as i sead she was about to hit him with her bottle I grabed her& forsfully pushed her out of the room , the ting is out side of the room is the stairs luckerly I kept the stair gate up at all times or she would have gone down the stairs , this freeked me out so the next day i begged the social workers for help they tald me if I put my children in care I may not get then back , at the time I did not care I realy thought I could harm one . My social worker & her office beleaved that if you are sexualy assalted as a child you would do it to youir children also if you were brought upin care your children will be brought up in care .

I never wanted that for them so I agreed to adoption .  I hated it , for the first year I drank all the time took drugs anything to block out the pain     all of a sudden it was four years since they were adopted so I started to count the years off till it was my daughters 18th birthday & I started to look for them , it only took about 6wks thanks to After Adoption who were fantastic in helping me prepare myself  My son has turned out to be like his daddy & my daughter is a drug addict but she has been on the methodone program for 3mths & is pregnant with her 3rd child . The eldest died of cot death then the middle one is being adopted & social services are after this one I offered to take him in but because of my past re my ex , Iraland , adoption I would have to go through the panel & even then it s not very likely as I'm in a 2 bedroom house with five adults .

My daughter ,her boyfriend Father of baby her little brother her step-dad & myself the ages are 23yrs , 39yrs 18yrs 48yrs & myself 46yrs soi there is no room . We are waiting for the council to get of there lasy backside & sort out a house but they have just sold there homes to a new company so can't be bothered but I'll tell you this if my daughter looses her baby through the council not giving her a house I will sue the arrs of them :( )

Answer 7

Im adopted, my birth mother gave me up in the late 60s. My birth father was a married man with children and my birth mother was brought up a strict Catholic and not very bright, she could barely look after herself and even now at almost 70 cannot read or write.

I was one of 5 children she had by this same man, 3 of us were adopted, she didnt tell anyone of her plans, didnt even tell anyone she was pregnant except her boyfriend and apparently he would get angry and tell her to 'get it adopted'. My brother was given up at age 3 when he had a tantrum. When she was pregnant with me she refused to acknowledge the pregnancy and wouldnt see a doctor, when i was born she wouldnt hold or look at me and insisted the social worker take me straight away. As a result of her lack of medical care i am disabled, this has been proven that it would have been preventable if only she had seen a doctor during pregnancy.

I know she had her reasons and i have no doubt at all that i have had a far better life as a result of her giving me up.

It didn't matter to me, until i had children of my own. I felt first hand that bond and i just stopped understanding how she could do that. I feel very very confused by it, i am grateful to her for doing it but at the same time find it hard to forgive. Im not sure if theres anything to forgive, i dont understand whether she was incredibly brave and strong for doing it or weak and pathetic.

To her it doesn't seem a big deal she says it was something they did in them days. She said she thought about us daily but has no regrets and i find that a bit cold. I dont blame her for my disability because its clear she is uneducated and had no advise or real support. But i could never be close to her, its hard to imagine a mother not having her childs best interests at heart and i think its clear she was more thinking of herself. Im not against adoption at all, its a personal choice and thank God for it when its done for the right reasons, but when its not its life damaging.

Answer 8

I just want to thank the asker for asking this question and for all the answers. I have trouble understanding why my mother gave me up for adoption. When i did find her at the age of 19 she was on her death bed. I really didn't think it was apporiate to ask her why she gave me up. I wanted her to die in peace. So i never asked the question. Reading these answers gives me a little understanding on what she may of went thru. That's all i have to say. Thanks

Answer 9

I was 17 when I fell pregnant. And found out too late to have an abortion.  I knew straight away that I wasn't ready for the responsibility, I couldnt even look after myself properly.   My family had strong beliefs about no baby before marriage. I felt so alone & ashamed. I hid my pregnancy from everyone. I seeked councelling & realised that adoption was the best choice for my baby.

I told my sister & lived with her until I had the child . I chose my adoptive parents very carefully & spent as much time with my baby as possible before I let him go. It was the hardest decision I have ever made. I only ever told one other person & that was my husband (who is very understanding).  I have my own child now (10yrs later) & know I made the right choice. I still think about it now & then. I try not to think of it as a loss, but rather as a gift.

Answer 10

I would have aborted but it was before Roe v Wade and therefore, illegal.  So I knew from the beginning that I did not want to raise the child.  It would have been almost impossible to keep him and detrimental to his health & welfare.  

Although I never regretted it, he is now a part of our family and I am grateful to his parents (now deceased) and appreciate that they did a great job rasing him.  Much better than I could have ever done!

I would however, caution adults looking for their bio parents to respect the wishes of the parents in regard to meeting them.  Not all bio parents want to revisit their past and it is quite possible that the parents cannot handle the emotions.

Answer 11

For some its hard and yes they regret it but I am sure there are alot out that have put there baby fup for adoption and know that they did the best thing for him or her I was adopted as an older child and know for a fact that the BIO mom doesnt have any regrets. You may ask how do I know this because she tells everyone she doesnt have kids even though she have five of them. We adoptd our daughter and we know the birth mom and from what we can see she could care less. I guess it depends on the mother.

Answer 12

I am not a birth mother.  I just wanted to thank everyone for sharing your stories.  I was moved to tears by more than one of them.  Please know that your stories are making a difference in helping others understand the complexity, diversity, loss, and emotions involved in relinquishment.  Blessisngs and peace to you all.

Answer 13

I was molested by someone who was suppose to be caring for me and he got me pregnant. I was 15 when I had my daughter and I tried for 14months to raise and care for her the best I could but I felt I was too young to give her everything I felt she deserved. I interviewed some couples and found one who I thought was perfect. That was almost 9 years ago and I see, write and talk to my daughter on a very regular basis. Although I sometimes wish I would I have kept her ( because I bonded with her and miss her) I know it was the very best decison because she now has everything I couldnt provide for her PLUS a relationship with me.

I also had a son when I was 19. I places him for adoption as well but under very different circumstances. I become severely depressed when he was born that I could not manage to even care for myself. I checked myself into a hospital for treatment when he was just 2weeks old while my family cared for him. I was diagnosed as being Bi-polar and having Manic depression ( by a dr. who only spoke to me for 5mins). I put ona combination of 6 different anti-depressants. The side affects were horrible and basically turned me into a zombie. I decided that I was in NO condition to care for my son and was afraid that I may never get well again and would never be able to care for my son. I wne  through the same adoption agency. I knew instantly that the the 1st couple was the RIGHT couple. They adopted my son when he was almost 3 months old. I had spent much of that time in the hospital so I did not have much of a chance to bond. Want to know whats SO amazing and a true blessing? My son's family moved right across the street from my daughte's family. Neither family knew each other before the adoption. Both families are very open about the adoptions.......my son and daughter know each other and get to play  together and she knows that he is her biological half-brother ( he's too young to understand yet). God truly blessed me.

As for regrets? I don't regret my decision at all. I feel anger towards the man who so selfishly took my innocence. I wish I could have been older, more stable.  But I do not regret it because my son and daughter are happy and that's all that matters.

Answer 14

My mother gave me up in the early 60's.  Although it is difficult for us to understand today--because things have changed so much in 40 years, but she gave me up because she was unmarried.

My father wasn't emotionally ready to get married.  There was no Welfare yet, and her parents, who could well afford to help her, wouldn't.

It wasn't a 'choice', it truly was a surrender.

Answer 15

I can't answer this honestly without giving some back story. This may be long, I will try to condense it.

I got pregnant at 17. Being adopted my family made it known there was only one choice to be made. Adoption. I played along knowing fully that I wouldn't relinquish my child. Justin Gage Andrukonis was brought into this world at 32.5 weeks gestational age, 5lbs 3oz and 16.5 inches long at 9:20 am November 29, 1994. He had hyalin membrane disease and respratory distress syndrome due to his prematurity. It was not caused by anything I did or did not do while pregnant, it was simply one of those curve balls life throws you. I knew the moment I layed eyes on him that he was mine. I can not even express the love I have always felt for my little man. After spending 5 weeks in the neonatal intensive care unit I brought him "home". Home was my sister and brother in law's house. I lived with them for 3 months then moved to a friends. Was there for 6 months and then into our own home. I was barely 18, my family refused to accept Justin as a part of the family and I had NO support beyond a few friends who were also young, single mothers. Justin had severe lung problems stemming from his prematurity, he was on an apnea monitor at night for 11 months and had a nebuliser for his meds 4 times a day. I never struggled with his medical needs, they were simply a part of our life. I continued my education at home so I could be his active caregiver and eventually went into the workforce. When he was around 11 months I had to admit to some issues within myself, attachment disorder, anorexia and postpartum depression. I sought treatment and was put in touch with a family support worker to advance my parenting skills. We worked together for the next 6 months and things were progressing very well. I was learning coping tecniques and valuable parenting skills. Then I hit a rough patch. I was laid off, my rent skyrocketed, my eating disorder got worse. I put my son in foster care to seek treatment for my anorexia. There was simply nothing out there. Child welfare saw me as unfit because I was unable to secure treatment. In May of 1997 Justin's social worker handed me an ulitmatum, either you sign over your rights willingly or we go to court and take them from you. If we go to court Justin will be removed from his foster family and will be termed "unadoptable" resulting in him being bounced around the system until he is 18. How could I do that to my son? I saw no other option, there was no other option. I asked if his foster parents would adopt him. They had already asked to, surprise, surprise. I was backed into a corner, there was no other option available. As of that fateful day I was denied any contact with my son. In September of 1997 I stood before a judge and gave up the only thing I had in the world. My son.

Do I regret it? Oh how could I not. I asked for help and they took my child. I made a mature choice to try for a better life for my child and myself and they bent it to their desires.

The last time I saw my son was November 29, 2001. It was an accidental and totally chance meeting at a Mc Donalds. I was working there and they were having his birthday party. I was suppose to be the party host. I couldn't do it. I stood outside in -20 weather crying and watching this beautiful little boy who I loved so deeply. A co-worker who knew the situation went inside and talked to his Mother ( how it hurts to write that ). She came outside and hugged me sooo tight. She asked me in to "meet" Justin. I can not explain the emotions I felt. God I miss him. Oh GOD! What I would give to look into his face one more time. I want to hear him say "memaw" (mommy) again. I want my son. I regret every second of every day that I tried to get help. The help I got was not worth the pain.

Answer 16

well i would never do this but if the mother got preagnate on accident (not being responsible)or she didn't have enough money to support the baby and herself then maybe she would give it up for adoption so the baby can have a better life

Answer 17

I am not a birth mother, but this is a silly question. OF COURSE they have regrets. Some days. Sometimes. Maybe not all the time. Maybe not in their head, logically. Maybe just when seeing a little face that would be about the age and appearance. Maybe just on certain days-birthdays, mother's day, Christmas. They are still mothers. Maybe a certain very few drug addicted hard hearted ones don't. But the rest I am sure do sometimes even if they feel in their hearts they made the best choice overall.

Answer 18

!Star!, that is the most IGNORANT response I have ever heard.  Different circumstance sometimes lead to the same event.  It has nothing to do with a woman being irresponsible or 'whoring" around......Many young women who place for adoption are well rounded individuals in committed relationships...They are married, single, involved with a man who wants nothing to do with the child.....they often times feel that abortion is out of the question and plan to relinquish right away, and often times they struggle with the idea of having a baby and come to the decision that adoption is a better choice when there are mere weeks left until the birth.  Some women left bad marriages with older children and find themselves emotionally unprepared for an infant.  You will never understand because YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN THERE.  Women like you should not even have kids if you are that cruel to those of us who are trying to think of what is best for our children.  Big woop, so you kept yours.  On welfare?  Sucking off your parents?  Pawning them off on your family when you need some "me time".  Yee-ah, ok.

As for me, I left a bad marriage 3 months pregnant and a three year old child in tow.  I knew that emotionally I was unprepared for this new arrival.  If I could have aborted, I would have, but financially it was impossible and I do not believe it should be done over ten weeks....Anyways, I tried to get excited about my pregnancy, even when I found out it was a girl (grateful, this meant my ex husband's family line would die out.....)but nothing changed.  I had to think of my older child as well and the fact that an infant needed 24/7 attention.  I just knew I could not handle it.  I could barely handle one child, how could I handle two?  I made the adoption plan my seventh month and picked the prospective a-parents in my eighth month, had Z three weeks early and she went home with the couple she would know as her mom and dad.  Do I have regrets?  Sometimes.  I wonder about her, even though she is only about five months old right now.  My older daughter sort of understands that her sissy went to live with another mommy and daddy.  But I know I did the right thing.

And I got pics of her in Sept....she could be her big sister's twin!  Fat happy baby!

Answer 19

i am an adoptee, but i have found my birthparents. i never asked why but they told me anyway. i never had the need to ask.

she was young (16) and he was fresh out of vietnam. they fell into a life of drugs and alcohol. her family was sexually abusing her and a couple of other female relatives. she refused to allow me to become victim of that, but also she was simply uncapable to care for me. and he was dealing with his own demons from the war. there just wasnt a healthy and safe avenue for them to raise me back then.

she does not regret her decision. she feels remorse for giving me up, because she gave me life and loved me, so the remorse was for herself, not for the choice.

he felt great regret. it made him feel like a failure. i am 35 years old, i found her 8 years ago, she had waited 19 years to have children after me. he never had children. he said he couldnt take care of me when i needed him so he refused to have children.

over all we are happy to have each other again. i was raised in a family as close to ward and june cleaver as the real world has to offer. much more stable than the bonnie and clyde i could have had. i am the luckiest woman on the planet. i have many that love me and would do almost anything for me. i wish more people connected to adoption could have the luck i have had.

Answer 20

I was a teen and had never supported myself.  My boyfriend and all adults I knew said that's what I had to do and I gave in and did it.

I was severely depressed for only a couple months, but the repercussions and loss of self esteem I am still recovering from over thirty years later.  I was counseled that I would 'put it behind me' and 'get on with my life'.  Going to college and maintaining my middle class status was supposed to be an adequate replacement for the devastating blow of losing my own flesh and blood.  This was a long time ago and there is  less shame for unwed mothers now.

Unfortunately there is a significant amount of shame about abandoning my baby to strangers.  It was compounded when I discovered she was as hurt by it as I was.

Answer 21

I was 18, 4 moths pregnant and already had a 1 year old son. He got taken away from me by children's aid (it's done and over with now i have my son) and i was told that i would not leave the hospital with my new baby once i gave birth. sub-conciously i guess i didn't let myself get attached to my baby and as a result i was not able to form a bond with my baby once she was born and her going to a foster home straight from the hospital didn't help either. I found myself not wanting to hold her wether it was just to hold her or for a feeding. I thought it was very unfair to her so i made the decision to give her up when she was 6 months old but i know she went to a good family where she'll succeed better than she would have otherwise.

in a way yes i do regret it because my son has a little sister he knows nothing about and one day i have to tell him and explain to him and hopefully one day, God willing i will have to explain my reasons to my daughter.

but i know that  i made the best decision i could have for her. i just wish i knew what she looks like.

Answer 22

I gave two children for adoption the reason for both boils down to the fact that i was not at all capable of giving them the life that they deserve, i wanted more for them then i was able to give.  Despite how much ache and hurt in my heart i DO NOT for one minute regret my decision to give them to thier respectvie parents

Answer 23

I was 17 when I got pregnant. We didn't think we could take care of a baby (we needed help but no one helped), we were told it was best (his parents were afraid of scandal). We were scared, my boyfriend was drafted and went instead to the navy. This was Jan 1972. We later married July 1973 and in 1977 we had a baby boy. In 2001 I found my birthdaughter. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, all those years of guilt and shame were washed away (well, not quite).

She asked WHY? Now the reasons don't quite make as much sence as they did back then. It was a bad decision, I wish I had never had to make. She also asked, why did you keep my brother? That was so sad, I still cry for her but we have a friendship now so that is good.

I don't think it makes any difference why I gave her up. I did it and everyone suffered somewhat throughout our lives.

Answer 24

There was no single event that lead to the loss of my son; many factors came into play. The first, and the one that had the most impact was that my parents did not support me emotionally during my pregnancy. I sensed a rejection from them, and although they never came out and said that they wouldn’t support me, they never suggested that they would either. I came from a middle class background. I had no real knowledge of what assistance was available to a young woman in my situation. I didn’t know anything about welfare, food stamps, WIC, housing assistance, etc. I didn’t have any single mothers to look to as models of how my life could be – raising a child alone despite the difficulties.

The father of my child, whom I had been with for one year, was out of the picture.

I called an “adoption professional” to look into adoption as an option. Bad move. This person had only one perspective – adoption. She never counseled me on any other options of how I might keep my child. She told me that a 2-parent family was better. She became my “friend”, at least that is how she is listed on my hospital records. I was told that I should not hold my baby, that it would be better for him if I didn’t because he would bond with the first person who held him. I remember giving birth and having the nurse ask me if I wanted to hold my son, and me sobbing “no” – and in the back of my mind knowing all of this was very wrong. I was discharged from the hospital, 3 days after my son was born, to the “care” of an attorney who was hired by the adoption professional/prospective adoptive parents. She took me straight from the hospital to the courthouse to sign surrender documents before a judge. It was never explained to me how revocation worked, what I would need to do in order to get my child back. I was never given any of the legal documents that I signed. I did not receive any counseling after losing my child.

No one ever acknowledged me as a mother. I left the hospital without my son, without even a piece of paper saying that I had given birth to my child. And yes, there is a huge amount of shame in not raising your child.

For me, the result is a lifetime of pain and yeah, regret. Here is a video that shows more eloquently than I can put into words, the feelings of some mothers who have lost their sons and daughters to adoption.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENMZZdaHI...

So since November is suppose to be Adoption Awareness Month, lets all be aware. When you’re reading those “oh so happy” stories of adoptive parents who’ve been able to parent, remember that their joy comes with a huge loss. Become AWARE of the effects of adoption on a woman and on her child – it is life long. Be open-minded to listening to the “other side”, the not so happy side of adoption. This is the flip side to the story of adoption that many people are not open to hearing about because there is a lot of pain involved. Adoption is not a win/win situation. Someone always loses in adoption.