What should I change in my poem?

Question

I normally write poems that don't have such use of words, so I decide to do something a little different. What do you think?

This long remembered

Never forgotten Love

Encounter on my path

Met once again

With hope and trust

Only to be lost

This blood encrusted Path again

Leads me from my Love

With heart in hand

I carry on

Looking for that one

Its about this guy who I like and we never get to see each other, but we keep bumping into each other in random places. What do you think?

Answer 1

encrusted sounds gross. how bout blood spattered or blood stained?

Answer 2

With heart in hand is a terrible cleche.  

Answer 3

i think its a great poem.. i write song lyrics i have about 40 of them but be careful posting your poems on yahoo or internet people take and call their own

Answer 4

I'd change "that one" to "the one"  

Answer 5

change encrusted the word sounds kinda gross

Answer 6

on the top stanza it would be nice to change

"Never forgotten love"

to "unforgotten love"

and on the last stanza a good idea would be to reverse:

"with heart in hand

i carry on"

to:

"I carry on

with heart in hand"

really it had nothing wrong with it but those little changes would make it better.

Answer 7

well, given the topic, I'm not sure if "blood encrusted" matches the mood.

Answer 8

very deep, i like it

Answer 9

You are saying love to much. You need to find mroe adjictives.

k, like Never forgoten love, and leads me from my love. You have to change one of those. I didn't understand the poem after 3 times i read it over. The only time i understood it was when you TOLD me what it was about so .... yeah... You should work on it more, but it has good potential!!!

Answer 10

This I will long remember

about the forgotten love

that I once encountered in my path

we met once again

With hope and trust

we will never be lost

Which leads me from the love

With my heart in hand

I will carry on

Looking for that special one.  

Answer 11

omgz it is lyk totally sweet and u could be lyk famous and all.... omg

xxxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxo

Answer 12

I don't like "blood encrusted" either.  Maybe change it to:

This obstructed path again

This wounding path again

Answer 13

Hmm I dunno cos its not a great poem. It needs more structure and pattern...at the moment it just looks like you decided to write down a bunch of feelings without thinking about it

Answer 14

sumthin nabout his eyes and stuff lol thats all i got

Answer 15

I really like this a lot. I think that it should be "encountered" instead of "encounter".

Keep up the great work...

Best Wishes

Answer 16

Oh my I would change it all honey it doesn't sound like a poem it sounds like you just jotted down feelings and there is no feeling in it and it doesn't make sense...sorry try again.