What should I do? Any suggestions, or relevant experiences???

Question

I have been seeing a woman, perhaps on and off, more on than off, for a little over 3 years, she is somewhat older than I am, has two girls(aged: 7 and 12) from a not quite previous, but seperated state of marriage where neither the ex husband nor kids know I am dating her; everything was fine until a few things happened, like her busting her ex out on a date with a girl he had cheated on her with about 7 years ago, moving out of the house that she and her ex husband shared, losing our jobs at the same time, not really out getting a new one until I left for school about 9 hours away from her, and somehow she thinks/thought i've been cheating on her since then. Now she's receeded into a state where I can't come visit if she's got her kids at her place. I want things to move forwards, but don't want to pressure her into more stress than she can handle, she can be stubborn, and I'm not as financially-secure as her ex-husband to support her in the event her ex doesn't like that she's seeing me and stops giving her small monetary gifts; the kids live her with more often than they live with their dad. I really do love her and would never hope to bring more pain into her life than she has had already, her mother has recently been diagnosed, having a brain tumor, the kids father's mother passed away a few months ago, which led to a huge thing about me asking her to come visit me, accusing me of just wanting to have s*x with her, while more recently she's been saying that we're not together right now, but will call me after she's been drinking all night to come and have s*x with her. I wish I could see her more often and not just for s*x, which is great anyways, but am unsure of how to progress things without crossing her boundries, and pushing her over the edge of having to hear me tell her I love her and want to be with her and make her happy for the rest of my life, but it will lead to some issues with the kids being upset, her family being upset and perhaps the ex husband as well. Is there anything I can do in this kind of situation that would lead to a less troubled, but ultimately happier scenario?

Answer 1

Here's what I see: You've been with this woman for three years and she not once had told her children OR ex husband you are together?

Something's not right there.

Something's actually REALLY off there.

What is she hiding?

Yes, she's going through a lot, but that doesn't excuse the fact taht she's treating you like a huge secret in her life. And why does she care about who her ex husband is on a date with? They are over.

If this was 6 months into a relationship, I'd say, maybe talk to her about it and try to work it out but three years of this... something's wrong here.

It sounds like she's playing you and only using YOU for when she needs you (not the other way around like she pretends).

I say, move on.

WAY too much drama.

Answer 2

Dezzy I couldn't say it better.

If she was really confident in your relationship, why keep you a permanent secret?

If she cared about her kids, why not be open with them and see how they feel BEFORE dating someone?  She is living a secret life behind their backs.

She is putting YOU under pressure, not the other way around.

She is using you big time.

It also sounds like there is some emotional manipulation going on.  Is there an underlying feeling of guilt coming from her by any chance?

Stand up to her, or just leave - you deserve better.