What should I do? Is this selfish?

Question

I'm 23 and have been married for 1.5 years.

My elderly mother in law had extensive surgery and has been recovering in a rehab center. During this time, we have to walk her dog at 6am, 9am, and 9pm. A retired neighbor walks the dog at 11am and 4pm.

My mother in law is coming home in 1 week and when she does, I will have to be at her assistance 24/7 (cause we only live 10 minutes away), as I was currently laid off. Not only that, but instead of walking her dog 3 times a day- It will be 5 times a day- with her- and she walks incredibly slow, so it will take even longer. And besides all the walks, I will have to do her shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, and much much more. I am trying to look for a job and do some important things in my life while I am not working, but nothing is getting done. I've already cancelled 2 interviews because I needed to bring her stuff to the rehab center or because the other dog walker cancelled and I had to take over.

I am only 23 but feel like I am a 50 year old with a 70 year old child. She owns her own house as well, so we have been doing all her bills and payments. She calls on us to hang up pictures, buy her a can of tuna, or make her bed- 3 separate times a day! And I'm expected to drop everything and do everything I'm told.

I want to say something- like to hire a dog walker- but then my husband would insist WE pay for it.

I love her VERY much, but I am soo filled with anger. I feel like an awful person! What should I do?

Answer 1

In tight situations like this one you have two choices:

1) To drop everything and walk away

2) To Step UP and face that you ae currently facing head on.

BTW: #1 may seem like an easy choice at the moment but in the long run this choice has been known to bring regret and guilt to the individual.

#2 -- if number 2 seems like the honourable choice you're rite because  it is.  Taking a short outing 2-3 days so you come back rejuvenated -- in the meantime you could get your husband to take a couple of days off to take care of your mother in law a.k.a. (his mother).

In regards to finding a job --relax-- money is not everything, plus your married--its not like you'll end up on the streets any day now (for better or for worse rite?).

BEST OF LUCK__AND BE SENSIBLE!

Answer 2

Why are you doing all this and not your husband? It is his mother. Make him accept this responsibility. If you are looking for a job, don't cancel interviews to do her bidding.

Your husband can hire a woman from a Senior care agency to do all the jobs you mentioned.

Are there siblings of your husband who could help? Get them to share the chores.

As for the dog walking - why would any dog need to be walked that

often? That is ridiculous. Put the dog out in the yard on a leash in the morning and

evening. If she is that much trouble, board her until MIL gets back home.

You need to get rid of your guilt feelings and talk to your husband about this situation. Make him do his share.

Answer 3

I would be exhausted! Its unreasonable to expect you to do everything. I would tell your husband that something is going to have to be done. You can't do it all. If you try, you will end up being resentful as well. And who can blame you? Thats alot! I went through similar experience when my mother had breast cancer. I offered to be there and do whatever I coudl and she just kept adding to the list. I finally had to tell her that I had my own thinsg to do too. She was very understanding and we had people from her church offer to take turns helping with her. You have to find some help, even if you have to pay them with her money. Also, she could be elegible for home health care. That woudl help alot, someone could clean, walk her dog, run errands, sit with her, cook for her. Check into it!

Answer 4

Think about this; you might be 70 years old some day.....God willing and if you were going through the same thing how would you want someone to treat you? How would you deal with her problems? You need to think of it as a temporary problem and deal with it. After you are done. You need to talk to your husband and tell him that if this kind of problem comes up again that you both need a better solution than you doing all the work. Dose he have any brothers or sisters that can help?

Answer 5

I don't think your being selfish at all. You just want your life back. You have to watch out for you and your family, which includes her son... not her. And you should put your priorities first, like the interviews. Hopefully he's an only child, because I don't hear of any other of her children helping out. If he's not then enlist the help of her other sons or daughters, because you have done more than your fair share. But if not, then go on with your life, help out somewhat... but try to get others to help out, so then that way you don't miss out on opportunities like with the career.

Answer 6

No, it is not selfish to want your life back.  Try talking to her about the fact that you need to find a job and won't be able to walk her dog or help her out as much around the house.  Offer to help her find a house cleaner and/or dog walker.  If she wants you to pay for it, tell her you can't because money is tight (that would be why you have to find a job in the first place).  So maybe it's a little white lie, but if it gets you your life back, I think it's worth it.

Answer 7

First of all how long do you have to take care of her? A month, a few weeks? If it is not very long just suck it up and help her. Just remember someday you are going to be older and in the same situation and you may need help, so I would be hoping that I have been nice enough to those around me to have them help me. Second of all, its not going to kill the dog if it has a few less walks or it misses it regularly scheduled walk. If you really wanted to make that job interview you would have no matter what. I do however understand that it would be frustrating to be at someones beck and call 24/7, but just be patient, kind and have your husband help out more. And just pay a neighbor kid to walk the dog a few times a day, I'm sure it wouldn't cost that much and it would give you some more me time. Good luck.  

Answer 8

I think you should talk to your husband about this and let him know how you feel.  You really shouldn't be missing interview to walk a dog!