What should I do? Mentally & physically tortured..not a virgin. please help.?

Question

I am Indian/26/F. I was sexually molested in my childhood. I think it changed my mentality towards s*x. At age 16, I had s*x with one guy. After that, I have had s*x with couple of guys. I met my hubby online. He agreed to marry me, but since he was studying, he told me to wait for 2-3 years. I didnt love him. My parents would have married me to some other guy, and I didnt want to marry. So just to get more time till I could find a perfect guy, I told him yes. I met another guy in office. He was perfect. I loved him, we had s*x too. But he told me he cant marry me due to family problems and then changed jobs. He even went to US for 6 months. I was alone and bitter during that time. I still didnt love my hubby. I hated him, to be frank. When my boyfriend came back from US, we were again together. I loved him too much and I wanted to get over it. So I hooked up with another guy in office, had s*x with him too once and started hating him after that. Then I switched jobs to get over everything and stopped talking to all the guys, except my hubby. He was in US all this time. But, since I had avoided him and been rude to him so much earlier, he was put off by me. Then suddenly our marriage was fixed. I had never told my husband about my promiscous past. We got married. I could not tell him anything coz I didnt want to hurt him and I wanted to simply start a fresh life with him. But he got to know all about my past from my ex-bf who didnt want to marry me and had got married to some other girl earlier. Now its been 3 years since my marriage. My husband hates me more and more with each passing day. He abuses me physically and mentally. His family hates me. They took all my jewellery and money from me the day I got married. They told me not to talk to my family. My husband normally addresses me as ***** or hoe...instead of my name. Now suddenly he has decided to divorce me. He says divorce will be finalized in october and I should not tell my parents. We live in US. We own a house. He says that I should go back to India after divorce and never come back, even though I was never dependent on him. I am working in US (thats how we could afford a house, all my salary goes into paying for mortgage and renovations). He has hidden my work authorization as well. I dont know what to do. My parents do now know about my promiscuos past. I think they will also not want to have any relations with me after divorce. What should I do? What should be my next step? Is he right? I have asked for forgiveness lot of times.

Answer 1

Whatever facts you have provided here, what I can make out you both are US immigrants if not US citizens, secondly as far your marriage is concerned there is no mention where & according which matrimonial laws it was solemnized whether it was Indian Hindu Marriage in India or civil marriage in India or in USA , going for divorce in US for Indian marriage is a matter of concern & the decree of divorce issued by US court will always remain in doubts as far its legal applicability in India is concerned. Thirdly as far your Stridhan is concerned (the exclusive property of any Indian Hindu woman) that you brought at the time of your marriage such as money or jewellery is concerned that you should claim in full from him if that was taken by him or his parents which they should not have done that. Fourthly since this divorce proceeding is taking place in USA where any Community property (jointly owned property of the couple) has to be settled by each party getting half of the portion or amount of the value of the property which should be settled before this divorce decree is passed, so you should insist for your half share in this community property. Fifthly since you were working in US even before your marriage & are US immigrant which I presume, then why should you leave USA just because he ask you to do so, if he has any of your important official documents in his possession, you should ask him to give you those & if need be inform the local police for his such act of destroying your important official documents which may be work authorization documents etc.Whatever you did in your past before your marriage was not something which should be made an issue by your husband unless he had specifically asked you with regard to your all past affairs & sexual encounters but if these were never discussed during your marriage settlement his making these issue now to call off this marriage on these frivolous grounds is wrong. Any how it’s your bad luck.

Answer 2

the problem has two aspects one u r 26 years old second u r an indian girl my dear friend it is a reallity if u where going to be an an american u wont be asking such question or niether your husband would be doing such things nor your parents would be feeling that bad the problem is not that now that what they will do because they are indian the main problem is that what an indian girl of an age of 26 should do in such surcustances i tried to feel like u u r in pain so your relative niether u nor they r responsible for this u have been feeling this bad since three years and that person with that traditional ways of thinking wil never be able to understand u the answer is u please devorce him thaere is no way out but if i put my self in place of u i see only glimps of hope .that imagine your self with a man who loves u whome u chose first to understand wether a man is good or bad never had s*x with him before the mrriage then have children . it is not easy to forget past but the best medidine for the pain is time it will get cure so please divorce him go back to india here in the us there r no people who can understand u marry again nad have children .and the most important thing stope blaming your self and stope feeling guilty other wise u will loose the presiouse time of your life and the age to marry again .only problem is your under hidden guilt u wil get over it but it is not that easy i my self a man who is stil vegin never had s*x with any body but believe me if i even find out tha my wife had s*x with other people i will never have ruined my life like that and her this is a normal thing people do change as per the sicumstances find a man who loves u not for your body but for your sole stope having this s*x life not because some religion says or your parent sys this but even because as per science the only scientific reason why a women does s*x with a man to  have children this way human beings have been liveng on earth since thousands of years so why this social structure  it is simple to answer imagine if it wont exist women start getting pregnanat without any husbunds to supprt them this social structure is important for the survival of the human species htis structure is found inall the religions of world .this was thoughts to prepare your brain now my deare please divorce him come to india do job find a nice partner indulg e your self in work now if he even comes to know your past then what find the man who love u most so much that he didnt would have any problem with your past dont have s*x with him find a person who in looks is little bad than you belive in me this is scientific fact that the less handxom man loves there wifes more than hansome ones and the miss match looking partners atlast becomes best match u wiould have to compromise but this time find a man to marry but not to have s*x nad have nice children with him read as many self help book as possible try to learn meditation and read the books loke controll your mind power so which will make your self mre sble to take better disision  even if u find this wholw think i wrote useless but if u can find books which u can read and improve your mind capability i would thing u won the match oh yeah i know what hapens to girls at this times so please this is not an advice but an order from your friend to u go to a nice psychiatrist and take some medicines of depression from him this will make your task easy hope i answer the question this whole thig is not the answer but an advice this is not the way just the map of it god bless ........................................... yah i forgot to tell u i am an indian .

Answer 3

well for starters you need to get away from him! You should be treated like a princess, not like a piece of dirt, which is exactly how he is treating you.  Weather or not to face you parents is up to you, and I will not tell you what to do there. But you need to get away from all you past relations and move forward in your own life. If you are feeling upset about the past, or mentally unstable, I suggest going to a psychiatrist or therapist. There is nothing wrong with that.

Answer 4

Hey lady!

I've read ur statement, n I personally feel dat u hv cheated upon dat guy, its not d matter of having s*x its d matter of sentiments, n emotions which being an Indian I cn feel, bt don't knw abt u!

If I cn count it right u hd been involved in phy. Relations other than ur marrital affair For 5-6 times as per ur provided info.

Hw cud u expect 4 4gvness 4rm ur husband, the person to whom u hv been married, the person with whom u hv to spnd ur whole life, the person with whom u may hv sworn those 7 promises.

U r d mod girl, bt no matter hw much u r earning, n ur pos. n status is wen it cums to relation, let it b father-son,

brother-sister,

husband-wife,

u-friend.

It all depends on the ground-base of "trust, belief, mutual undrstanding"

which u hv blown up! b it wid ur husband, parents, relatives...

Nw wat I'm suggesting is if ur husband wants divorce, do dis much favour 4 him n 4 urself, if u hv a guilt regarding ur past,

instead u r gona make ur live's a "h**l"!

Well u r a yung girl n independent too so u cn earn ur bread n butter, n in future if u find ne "HUMSAFAR" do not hide ur past 4rm in fear of loosing him,

"It's better to loose one than two" Is'nt it ?

If one cud'nt accept u wid ur past, then he is nt ment 4 u!

Bt if nebdy does respect him!

"Kyunki zindigi k lambe,mushkil,safar mai ek sache humsafar ki zaroorat sabko hoti hai"

U hv'nt mentioned ne thing abt ur issues, do u hv ne?

Well, ne ways

"khuda tumhe sahi raah dikhaye"

B an INDIAN khudahafiz!!!

Answer 5

i think you done too much sleeping around with other men that spending time thinking what were you doing! but hey we all make mistakes, and im not replying to judge, but you are in a very tricky situation, i would suggest after the divorce comes through that you start a fresh again.  be your self, and dont be worried what other people think of you.

dont think being molested as a child is any result to this, cause majority of women and men have went through this, including myself and i turned out ok. and my relationship wit my hubby.

good luck

Answer 6

You should be turning to Jesus for forgiveness. People will always disapprove of your mistakes, but Jesus will always love you for who you are mistakes and all. Get religion in your life. It's uplifting and helps you feel comfortable in your own skin. Your husband is not a good man for abusing you physically and mentally. You deserve a good man.

Answer 7

Go see police & Lawyers in that order .. you are being abused...

Go ahead with divorce..

Answer 8

how do you sleep at night donot you feel ashmed for yourself its not your husband it you.If you any any man that his wife had s*x with so many guys before he will be like this .You acted like an american teenager before marriage. i feel sorry for your husband ,not for you .

Answer 9

Get a lawyer.  Doesn't matter if you are not a citizen, since this has to do with income in the US.  GET A LAWYER.  After you get him out of your house, then get a good Indian therapist who can help you through the rest, but seriously GET A LAWYER and protect yourself now (and go to the police for help).

Answer 10

You are here now. And there is help for women that have been abused like you. There should be a battered women shelter in your area. Find the address and number. It dosnt matter how much money you make or dont make. Just go there they can help you with allot of these things if not all. Good luck!

Answer 11

Every cause has an effects, you are not faithful to your husband before marriage, you are enjoying your sexual desires with anybody you meet. This all you have to face in this way. I suggest you to come India and start your new life and forget everything like you have seen any bad dream.

Answer 12

You have flouted the come clean principle at the beglnning.If you had opened your past , these problems would not have cropped up or he wouldnt have married you.Now you must inform your parents about your predicament, come to India and start life afresh.

Answer 13

You need to call the police right now. They can give you information about abuse shelters and you should NOT SIGN ANYTHING in the way of divorce papers. You need an attorney to ensure that he does not take everything you both have worked for. This is not India. In America you are entitled to some, if not half of everything the two fo you own. Knowledge is power. He is taking advantage of you because right now you do not know any better. You should educate yourself so that you can ensure that you too have a bright future.  

Your past mistakes are yours to live with, but it is not up to him to choose to punish you with mental and physical abuse. Nobody deserves to live like that. It is a good thing that he has chosen to file for divorce, but unless he forges your name, it CAN NOT be finalized without your knowledge/consent.Good luck, stay strong.

YOU HAVE RIGHTS!

I have included just a few websites so that you can begin educating and protecting yourself.

I will keep you in my prayers

Answer 14

  Dont listen to your critics . stay in the US , work hard , save your money , and find some nice new friends .  

Answer 15

This is by far one of the most bizarre and longest questions ive ever read but i enjoy answer questions and helping people. I think that you should just forgive him and move on with ur life. Stay in the us and just leave him alone. Everyone makes mistakes . This is not a fairy tale life and everything isn't always right.  So just talk to your parents they are your parents and they should understand if not. You just have to go on without them

Hope i helped you !

Take care and stay strong

Answer 16

Ok now listen to me carefully. WHat your husband is doing to you is what typical indian husbands do to their wife. THat happened to my mom. Best thing to do is somehow find a way to call your parents tell them everything, every little detail. Now if i were you i would talk to mom. But if u talk to ur dad more then hime. but ur mo will understand u more. AFter that listen to what they say. if they say they don't want to tlk to u n e more then so ok. and don't

then call the police. I no u are an indian and u can'tdo that to ur husband because pathie tho parmeshar right. No Not in america. If he does that to u call the cops. tell them that he has ur papers and now he wants divorce. The police won't care about ur past. what they will care about is that he abuses u and that he has ur papers. he will go to jail and be imprisoned. then u can work open up ur own bank account save ur money and get ur own place to live.

if u have money saved up now than find an apartment to live in. and live life

forget him, live life and be happy. OK. DON"T LET THE PAST POSION YOUR FUTURE.

if u have any questions let me no. i live in cali and i am an indian. i no how u feel.

It's okay. THis is america here u can get help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

get to know people and call the cops.

try to tlk wit ur parents.

THis is what indians usually do. get married in india come here and then divorce their wifes. u r a women of today. not of the past.  

Answer 17

He probably hates you because you acted like a s*ut sleeping with so many different guys when you were suppose to be with him. This is karma, deal with it.

Answer 18

its realy a tough to handle this kind of matteres. be cool think on hole matter. Be bold in your own life. Take divorce. He can not ruine you for the same. in case of any thing which torchers you you may take help of any social organisatiom or police for your own protaction. Like here do not mention about your past. Many have diffrent past which may be thought as good or bad. Life gose on. mail me if you feel me a riend i can help you finding out some organisation in US. dont be aggrasive. think cool take divorce and start your own new life. all the best.

Answer 19

First of all, you have to get out of the house, and second of all, get out of the marriage.

Go to your local womens shelter, and they will take you in, offer you a roof over your head, and food in your stomach, and time to spend with you about getting your life in order and a divorce from this creep you are married too!!!

They will help you, all you have to do is take the first step out that door and keep on walking or drive there!!!!

They will help you find a place to stay, and they will do everything they can to work with the police to not let anyone you do not want to know where you are, and they will help you find a job, and they will help you with your house.

Please, I beg you to get out!!! I know the first step is hard, but soon, very soon, the second, third and forth step will be easier.

How do I know this??

When my mother lived in Arizona she was married to an alcoholic, and one night, he got really mad, at her and grabbed her by the throat and lifted her off the floor and pulled back his hand as if to punch her, and she just looked at him, and he was choking her at the same time, and she could barely speak, but she managed to get the words, "go, ahead, I dare you", out.

And she just looked at him, and he just dropped her to the floor and left, that same night so did she.

Forever.

Now she is living in the same city as me, and my family and my relatives.

If my mom could do this, than so can you.

Another reason why I know you can do this is because when I was in seventh grade, my father molested me also, and I told him I wanted to get out of the house and live with my mother, can you imagine how hard that must have been on me, but I did it!!!

My father denies it to this day, that is why I never talk to him!

Honey, if I can do it, and my mother can do it, than so can you!!

Answer 20

if you justify all your past deeds,being an Indian, tolerate from every one.It's OK but can you go on like this after divorce ? You should get divorce from him atleast to get rid of the torture.please consult a lawyer and get divorce. you'll get back all your articles. you can see him behind the bars, if at all required. In India law is very much with you.

Answer 21

whatever happened has happened n u cant do much about it now...ur husband knowing all about ur past is unable to forgive u as is evident from all what u have wriiten...the best thing to do now is to move on n move away from this guy...

whetever u have done or did doesnt give anybody the right to hurt u..if he cant forgive u or luv u for what u r..he shud just leave u...if whatever u did was wrong..whatever he has done is also not right...

fight for urself..u dont have to take all that abuse...n trust me u really cant get rid of ur past..ur parents will come to no if it...so y dont u confront them urself n tell them before someone else does n they get more hurt...hire urself a lawyer n follow his advice...

even if ur parents n husband leave u for whatever reasons u need money to survive...so dont give up on ur house since uve mostly paid for it...try talking to ur parents when ur at work...meet ur lawyer also while ur in office...dont let ur husband no if u thnk he will harm u...

therez no easy way out of situations we create in life so dont think its going to be easy...stay focussed...have faith in god...this too shall pass..

Answer 22

Contact an attorney and make sure that you protect yourself. In the U.S. he has no right to hide your papers or take away your money. If you are getting paid, start a new bank account and keep your money out of his reach. If he divorces you, there must be a settlement, and you will get half or even more of all your assets. Make sure that he doesn't hide any money or property. Your attorney can squeeze everything you deserve out of him.

Answer 23

leave that person try for a new start in life

Answer 24

It's better to get out. If this continues, u'll end up taking ur own life. IF he's not willing to forgive u, then it's best to move on. I'd go to the police, get a lawyer, find a way to talk to someone about ur work authorization issue. I think he has to split the house with u upon divorce. IF u want to stay here, and can legally, then do so. It's about control with him, nothing else. HE's mad at u for what u've done, and he wants to control u. It's not about forgiveness. U've given ur virginity away(in his eyes), so he's taking all u hold dear away from u...so then he can drop u when he feels like it, and leaVe u with nothing. U've gotta stand on ur own feet somehow, because he'll just get bored and let u go; and u'll really be left with nothing and picking up the pieces won't be easy. Wish I could help u more. Go to the US consulate website and see if u can get some info there on how u can stay here w/o ur hubby.

Answer 25

Dear Friend,

I see that you wrote this in big pain and am so sorry for you. You made mistakes but now you are facing morethan what you did.

Like other said contact a good atterney and tell your issue clearly and follow it. Dont waste your time asking to forgive. He will not.

Now your life in denger so please contact police or lawyer.

Contact some of your friends here and arrage things to get back to India. Even you can fight from here too.  

Answer 26

Go to the police and tell them what he is doing.  he can't abuse you like that.  And he can't keep things from you either.

Good luck.