What should I do? Stick around? Leave? ANY ADVICE, PLEASE! ?

Question

My husband and I have been having a lot of problems. I am just about at the end of my rope in terms of dealing with him. Everything is a fight, he doesn't have a job, and doesn't hold a job for very long, he wants kids "soooooooo bad" and thinks that they will "make everything better". I am in my mid-twenties, and although having known him for about 9 years, and married to him for almost 3, I haven't noticed any real changes in him, his behavior, and the way that he conducts his life. I pray all the time that he will wake up one day and be like, "hey, you know, this isn't working and I need to change A, B, and C in order to make all these other situations better." But he doesn't. He has the nerve to call me irresponsible, when he is the one who can't be responsible for anything. I feel like I am wasting my time with him, and I see people all of the time who are happy, and I want that so bad too. What makes matters worse is that I am a devout Catholic, and while (obviously) not totally against the idea of divorce, I feel that I have failed in the eyes of the Lord. I just don't know what to do, and where to go from here. I KNOW that if we were to go to counseling, they would recommend with the number of problems, issues, regrets, and grudges we BOTH hold, that they would recommend divorce. I feel like I shouldn't waste my money in hearing this from someone else. I love my husband, really I do, although it may not sound like it, but this relationship is breaking my heart. As I mentioned, when I pray, the first thing I pray for is HIM, and while at mass today, and praying silently, I caught myself thinking, "I should be praying for ME first, not everyone else." It breaks my heart to write this, to "see" all of the problems, and TRUST ME, this is only the tip of the iceberg, but I do not know what else to do. I have been more than patient in this relationship, and I don't know where/what else to turn to. Any advice? Can anyone give me some insight into the divorce process in Maryland? Thanks for all of your advice in advance.

Answer 1

I'm not sure about laws in Maryland, but it sounds like he either needs to shape up or ship out.  Period.  You've done all you can with him, unless he comes to reality soon your wasting your time.  I have attended Catholic church so I know what your saying about marriage, but enough is enough in my opinion.  The church doesn't have to live with their selves, you do.  You haven't failed, he has.  You can try some more and offer to help him, if it doesn't work maybe you should cut him loose.  If you have children with him you'll be the one caring for them.  

Answer 2

Bringing a child into an already bad relationship will not make things better...it will only make things more complicated.

The thing that I learned is that people are who they are.  They may change for a short period of time when forced to, but they will always return to who they really are.

Answer 3

Parachute out of that marriage. You failed to realize that when a woman can't make her man jump...your off to bad start in your marriage.

I would consider a make-over before attempting to find another man.

Answer 4

Your husband is being very selfish and immature for wanting to have children. How does he intend to give them and you a stable, safe, happy and healthy life? Does he realize how much money is needed to give children the best life possible?

Life is far to short to be unhappy and sit there waiting for someone to change. You cant change anyone, they have to want to change and it doesnt sound as though your husband seriously wants to. If you feel this bad now, how are you going to feel in another year or two when things are still the same way?

A lot of the "rules" of the Catholic faith have changed. Divorce is no longer seen as the terrible thing it once was. I urge you to go to your church and talk with your priest to put your mind at ease.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do. Just please dont wait till you are sitting there wishing you had done something a lot sooner.  

Answer 5

I am so sorry. However, I suggest the counseling. It'll help the both of you. It seems like you two have communication problems because of the constant fighting. When you learn to be more open, problems can be easily solved. I'm a Catholic myself, and I see nothing wrong with divorce. It's only wrong when it ends up being very nasty. It should be a mutual decision. But you sound like a genuinely nice and practical person as it is. Just go with the counseling and don't be afraid to spend! It's your marriage after all. Couples learn a lot about themselves in counseling. However, if you still are unhappy, then push through with the divorce. Everyone deserves to be happy. I hope things work out with you and your husband.  

Answer 6

speaking from a male perspective, some time two people who love each other need a break from one another, so that there can be space between them to be able to see their relationship from the outside looking in. Some time this method allows both parties to see their downfalls, short comings, and mistakes. There by being able to fine tune the errors in their relationship. That separation period is the time that it takes for self adjustments.This only works when two people are (in love), not just loving. Because you know that when your "in love", you want to do everything in your power to make sure that the one you love is happy, and content with life and you in it. This is the "cry for help", the last step before considering divorce. good luk

Answer 7

divorce him..there is a passage in the bible about that it is ok for a wife to divorce their husband if he is treating her the way he is supposed to.  

Answer 8

Don't have kids with a man like that.  That would be a huge mistake.  You should leave him.  All I know about divorce is that people say it costs about 2000 to get one.

Answer 9

You better start believing in a divorce because a man his age who don't have/can't hold a job and wants to bring children into this mess isn't worth suffering. Do yourself a favor, kick him out.

Answer 10

The first 3 lines said it all - he doesn't have a job, he doesn't keep jobs for long and he wants kids, thinking they'll make everything better.

He's screwed up and you need to leave before you get pregnant!!!!

That would be the biggest mistake of all!!   You need to realize

that most people only change when they want to change.  Does he want to change?? NO!

Answer 11

The only way you can change a man is if he is in diapers. Please don't have children with this man. He will never hold down a job, he will never get better. My 1st husband was Catholic and we got a divorce. You haven't failed in the eyes of God. You chose to marry this person, perhaps this isn't the person that God would have chosen for you. Pray for what God wants to do with your life and Listen.

Answer 12

"Can anyone give me some insight into the divorce process in Maryland?" I THINK YOU HAVE ANSWERED YOUR OWN QUESTION

Answer 13

ok im only 15 butt im sure i can help if your having a lot of problems ask him to write all his problems on paper and you do the same a change in behavior i know happends because my mom told me that my dad changed a lot when she married him butt they always make up sooner or later prying always works you just hafto have fath in them dont expect them to work just have fath in them to work no you havent failed in the eyes of the lord jesious died for all of our mistakes god will always 4give you when you sin if you go to concling thats not what they will do cuz my parents go every week they sometimes talk to you one at a time you dont hafto tell a conceler anything you dont want to you should wait and see how things work out i hope for the best

GOOD LUCK:)

Answer 14

I am going through a similar thing accept my husband after almost twenty years left me becaus ehe couldnt handle our disabled kids.my advice to you as i have done the same and i got probably the same answers as you leave him.dont listen to them as if you do you could regret it.ask yourself ,do i still love this man?and is this marriage worth saving?because in the end if you do separate,1-it is so lonely 2- you may come to regret the decision and then you cant go back. besides you are the one who has to decide  no one can do it for you,but do you think this man is your soul mate and i mean deep down inside.sit for awhile and just thinkand then remember that in this day and age it is so hard to find someone who is good and kind and who doesnt judge us no matter what and when you find that person i believe it is worth everything in your soul to try and save it,as we only have one life.try and make it work if you know you can you wil.good luck

Answer 15

He is shirking his responsibility as a husband for not working.  you have a right to divorce because if you have children with a man that doesn't have a job there will be worse problems.  As a Christian woman you have the right to divorce him and move on.  Any spouse that neglects wife or husband will be forgiven.  Ask your church and see if he has a depression problem.  I hope this helps and God Bless you.