What should I do about a reluctant birthfather's rejection?

Question

I'm a birth mother who has recently been contacted by the child I placed for adoption 22 years ago. I'm very happy he contacted me. He wanted information on his father, but when I called his father, he pretty much cut me off and hung up on me. How should I manage this with my son? His adoptive father had walked out on him as well, and now he's got a 2d rejection.

Answer 1

I'm sure this is tough, and you don't want your child to feel rejected and hurt by the birthfather, but I think you should just be honest. Explain the situation, and the birthfather's reluctance, but try not to pass judgement on him to your son. I would give him the birth father's contact information and leave it up to him to decide if he wants to initiate contact or not.

Good luck, and I'm glad he was able to make contact with you and that his mother is suppoertive of your relationship.

Answer 2

I worry about this for my daughter too. Her natural father was very young. I know his name and where he lived 11 years ago. The natural mother doesn't hear from him at all and I don't think she cares to.

One day my daughter will want to contact him and I fear she will be rejected. For now all I can do is hope he matures enough to understand why she'd like to know him by the time she finds him.

Now that my daughter old enough to know how babies are made she understands how unplanned pregnancies can happen. So understanding their adoption circumstances is important and key for coping. At least for my daughter it is.

Congratulations on your reunion and I think it's great that you tried to help your son out by contacting the natural father.  

Answer 3

Hopefully, your biological child had some counseling before he sought you out. My husband, who was adopted, was told to prepare for rejection, and he really thought he was ready to take it.

Anyway, this isn't a second rejection -- his biological father rejected him upon his birth/conception. This young man has always known that his biological father did not want a relationship with him. So things haven't changed, and that's how you should phrase it. Say something like, "I'm sorry, but even 22 years has not changed his mind. He's just not interested in knowing you. He's really missing out!"

Please be careful as you journey through this reunion. You might be surprised at how much grief this brings back -- grief is a strange thing. Sometimes you cycle through it again when you least expect it. You sound like you have a wonderful attitude, but you need to go slowly and make sure you are taking care of yourself as you deal with all the emotions that come from learning what your child lived for 22 years.

After my husband met his biological mother, they started to forge a relationship. Based on what she told him regarding his biological father -- walked out on her when pregnant, had been married and divorced several times because he abuses women -- my husband had no desire to contact his biological father.

In the long run, his biological mother rejected him. This was very difficult, because they had been working at forming a relationship. However, she had a hard time with things not being the way she had imagined them to be. For example, he is very close to his adoptive parents and she wanted them to be less than what they were -- not quite so idyllic (he really had a great upbringing). So that was hard for her. Also, she wanted him to start calling her Mom before he was ready (they had originally agreed that he wouldn't and that wasn't going to be part of their relationship, but she found she couldn't stand not being called mom). So in the long run, she decided to end the relationship. He still regrets it -- he thinks he never should have contacted her at all because she felt so much pain in the end.  

Answer 4

Dear Musica,

I cannot believe some of the answers you are getting!  Its called compassion, people.  As always ignore the ignorant.

I am so happy for your reunion with your son.  I love Laurie's answer.  When writing him a letter place a photo of his son in it.  It just might make your son more "real" to him.

Your son has two mothers.  You are just as important as his adoptive mother.  I wish you all the best:)  

Answer 5

*hugs*  How awful for both you and your son!  But how great that you two are now connected!  It's awful that you have to be the bearer of bad news and that this would happen this way.  Unfortunately, it sounds like Birth Father gave up his rights/responsibilities long ago and was happy to do so.  I had a similar experience with a friend - she was adopted as an infant and only found out about her birth mother through talking to people who knew her parents.  She contacted her and the woman was furious that she'd been found.  It was devastating.

I would work on keeping up with your relationship with your son and making sure that he feels loved by whomever he has there for him.  i'm hoping his adoptive mother is a supportive person - is there any way you two can speak?

Answer 6

I think you misunderstand Pentacott Nation.  I know what he is saying - you are the birth mother, not the one who raised the child.  He probably should have left off the word 'just'.  Someone else has invested over two decades in this young person's life.  You did the right thing by giving the baby a good home. Adoptive mom is doing the right thing in being supportive. Your son should know the truth, that his bio dad just doesn't want to let the skeletons out - and that is his right too.

Answer 7

Congrats that you and your son are reunited again.

I guess since that his adopted parent walked out on him, once again it disproves the "better life for the child myth".  I guess an a-child couldn't hold another family together.

I would just be honest with your son, give him the facts as you "know" it and give him contact information if he wants it. His father may of hung up on you because he doesn't want to talk to you but who knows for sure.  

Unfortunately, in our society today men have been let down by poor parental skills. Look at how many are being chased down for child support. I would point that out to your son as well.  

Overall there's not much you can say or do but just be honest and continue to be there for your son.  Good luck.

ETA: Pent is just one of those insecure a-parents that doesn't get  adoption doesn't mean ownership.

Answer 8

Just give your son any information you have about the birthfather. and then inform the bfather what you have done, from there it's up to him. Don't make excuses to your son about his bfather. I know you want to sheild your bson and you don't want him to suffer, but you need to work on your relationship with him. You have lost 22 years with him, but just think of all the time you have left. No more worrying about where he is, if he's happy, what he looks like. Your life can be joyius now. No one knows your heartache like I do. I had 30 years of heartache before I found my daughter. His birthfather is probably shocked and has kept the secret of his sons birth. I hope he can come to terms with it.  Good luck.

Answer 9

just let him know what his father said..and if you have the number or adress just give it to him and let him try.to see if he will talk to him.

Answer 10

Firstly, just ignore the responder who was so rude and called you "just a birthmother."  That's ridiculous.  He obviously just doesn't get it.  Oh well, some things are just above some peoples' heads.

Congratulations on your reunion!  I've been reunited with my first father and family for 7 years, quite happily.  Unfortunately, my first mother passed away before we could reunite, but I do keep in touch with family on her side.  

Sometimes first parents and adopted persons are really caught off guard at when initially contacted.  He may need time to think it over.  You can give your son the information, let him know what happened, and just continue to be supportive in that area.  

Another think you may think about doing is writing a quick letter to his first father.  Since he hung up so abruptly, you may not have gotten to say everything you wanted.  He may or may not respond, but you'll know that you shared what you needed to share.  

It could be that his first father really doesn't contact -- at least at this point.  Sometimes relatives separated by adoption end up feeling that way.

Again, congratulations on your reunion with you son!  That's wonderful.

Answer 11

Your biological son is now 22 and is a man. I'm sure that he will be able to handle the situation. After all, he contacted you without any expectations. Give him the Biological Fathers name and phone number and have him contact him. He is just looking for answers and closier in his life so he can move on. Not to be rude however you are just his Biological mother and not the one who raised him for 22 years.

For whatever reason he has overcome this and Im positive he Loves those who have nurtured and cared for him for 22 years.

Answer 12

I was adopted at 3 days old and found my birth family when i was 26..I'm 32 now.

I loved getting together with birth mom and dad, hearing my "birth story, meeting my siblings (3 full blooded sibilings!!!), but you know what?  They didn't feel like family.  They were just nice people I met.  

Have ur son email me if he [e-mail].