What should I do about a sexless marraige?

Question

I know this question has been addressed countless times, but my situation is a little different. My wife and I are both 25. No kids. I know that she cares about me, but she has told me that she is not sexually attracted to me. We may have s*x once every couple of months, if I'm lucky. She explains to me that she just doesn't have sexual urges, period. We've been together for 8 years, and i have always known that she likes s*x less than the average woman. Also, she has never masturbated, she has never had an o****m, she has never allowed s***n to touch her, she basically has the libido of an eggplant. We both feel like something could be medically wrong, but she refuses to see a doctor about it. I really do love her, but am fed up with the rejection. Should i leave her, or suffer through a sexless marraige?

Answer 1

It is a good thing that your wife is being honest about her being not interested in s*x, but it is another thing for her to not even consider your feelings in this by her not even wanting to see a doctor. If I were you I would leave.  

Answer 2

okay maybe you should go to a doctor with her. or maybe you should look deeper  maybe she had a bad past with s*x maybe she thinks she'll be bad i don't know your history the ups and downs but honey s*x is not EVERYTHING if you love her you'll know what to do

Answer 3

Knowing all of this why in the heck did you marry her?

Answer 4

Where have you been for the last 8 years? Didn't you notice before that she didn't like s*x? Yes somethings wrong. If she won't do something about it then you are doomed to a sexless marriage. Time to pull the plug. You'll only get more resentful and eventually will wander and in time you'll leave anyway. Go ahead and do so now while you are young enough to learn what a real relationship is all about.  

Answer 5

If it that important to you, then you need to leave the marriage if things don't improve.  

Answer 6

I bet she is g*y does she hang around females  

Answer 7

If you ever want s*x again you should leave.

Answer 8

In a way, it's your fault because you knew she didn't like s*x before you even got married.  She really needs to see a s*x therapist on her own so she can learn her body.  I see why she doesn't like s*x, she's never had an o****m.  I wouldn't like s*x either if I were her.  She's missing out on so much and needs to explore her body and learn to m********e so she can know what she likes.

Answer 9

I think you should find other ways of having fun, because if you show your wife that you are bored, she will feel like you're rejecting her. If you want to leave her and you feel like you don't love her anymore, then leave her. If you still love her, ask yourself: 'Is it enough for you two to survive the marriage?'

Answer 10

I was in the same boat. Wife changed didn't want to have s*x.

Threatened divorce and that got her to change.  I don't know if we will stay together but sometimes you have to tell your spouse that you will leave to accomplish things.  If you do this though mean it or things will stay the same.

Answer 11

sounds like my now "x" wife  : )    

Answer 12

You may have grounds for divorce both from a legal and moral perspective.

But you must make sure you have exhausted all options.

For example.

Could her birth control pill be killing her libido? That's quite common you know.

Is she depressed?

Is she smoking tons of weed?

Are you fat and unclean?

Answer 13

First off, you are absolutely entitled to s*x in a marriage - s*x along with love, friendship, trust, etc ... all help make a marriage balanced and healthy.  s*x (whether it be romantic touchy-feely or tie-me-to-the-bedposts caterwauling) offers two people to connect in a way that conversation, snuggling, or sharing a meal just ... don't.

That being said, there are a few potholes here:

Problem #1: You married this girl knowing she 'has the libido of an eggplant'.

She didn't show herself as a s**y, nymphomaniac and then revert to a prudish, cold fish ... she always presented herself as a young woman not very interested in s*x.

Hint: you should never take a vow when there is a HUGE flaw in your relationship like: you want s*x, she doesn't - s*x, or the lack of it, will eventually become a deal breaker.

Problem #2: She is unwilling to even look into reasons/problems of why her libido is so low.

Even though it is her prerogative to get (or not get) medical attention for what 'ails' her, she should show some commitment to keeping your relationship from falling apart by speaking to a doctor to see what she could do to, at least, meet you half way in the s*x department. Sometimes we have to do things that aren't top of our list or are outside of our comfort zone in order to have compromise in our relationship. (IE - my hubby isn't very social and gets a uncomfortable at social functions but I really like having him with me at events, so we compromise: He comes to the big, important stuff a few times a year, and I let him off the hook on the tons of smaller events I attend. Win-win)

Now, here is the answer to your main question:

You need to sit her down and completely explain to her how important it is for you to have a sexual connection with her. Don't threaten or blame (obviously your wife has some issues about s*x).

Let her know that you are willing to research with her, attend doctor's appointments, or move really slowly - trying things out she is comfortable with - in order to reach a compromise.

If she is still unmoving, then you need to do some soul searching. Can you spend the rest of your life committed to someone who will not sleep with you or worse, who is so unmoved at your needs? If the answer is no, then you know what comes next.  

Its awful and sad, but it is a lot worse to spend what little time we have on this earth tethered to someone who can't give you what you need. Also, you need to get this stuff straightened out before you bring children into the picture. Kids are quite perceptive and will pick up on the awkward dynamics of your marriage and will grow-up thinking that is the norm.

'Course - you can always ask for the option of an open marriage. ;)  

Answer 14

either leave or take stock in LOTS of hand lotion!

Answer 15

You need to give her that o****m she has not had yet. Once that happens, life will change. Let that tongue loose and tear it up, s*x is not about your o****m, make it about hers.  

Answer 16

well. at least she's willing to talk about it. that's good. you both are young and if she's not attracted sexually to you then she might become attracted to someone else. love alone can't nurture a healthy sexless relationship. u're young now but soon you'll need s*x and then you'll cheat and that will hurt you both. tell her that, and tell her that you want to try again for a couple of months. if things don't work out, then be friends and find your self some other gf. and let her find someone she can be attracted to (not that you are not attractive, but it's personal preferences).

good luck,

Answer 17

I've been the wife in a marriage like that.  The problem was not all about s*x.  It was about a partner who was not listening to me or making any effort to fulfill my emotional needs.  The type of doctor you need is a marriage counselor, and you need to focus on changing yourself and your relationship not on changing her.  I'm now remarried, and the dynamics are totally different.  I'm not some disinterested sexually dysfunctional ice queen.  The problems were not all about me, and when we saw a marriage counselor, btw, she saw that, but he didn't want to listen.  Maybe it's really about her emotional needs not being even close to being met for years, and that does not in any way mean that you are abusive, unfaithful, or a bad man.  It just means you might be really out of touch with what makes her tick.

Answer 18

I do not have a answer but understand your pain and dilema in that its similar to mine but I am many years your senior. No matter what that does not make it better by being later in life. You will get a bunch of responses saying that you have not done enough or romance I have done all and more of those things to no avail. So if your in same boat as i have found myself in the only good answer seem to get is either live with it or leave.  

Answer 19

In my opinion - people have to be satisfied with their sexual relationship as well as other aspects of their marriage.  Eventually, you will lose interest in her and leave her.  You should talk to her and let her know that you are unhappy with your s*x life.  If she cares enough, she will see a doctor.  Let her know that your marriage depends on it.  

Answer 20

The marriage is not healthy for either of you. If she is not sexually attracted to you, you should get out. Life is to short to be unhappy. Or you need to rock her world. I mean really put it down on her. Are you sure she is not seeing someone else? Because honestly that would be my guess.

Answer 21

Find a sexual surrogate and be happy. Talk to your wife and tell her of your intent and why you want to have a sexual surrogate. She may understand and give her permission or possibly join in.

Answer 22

you could seek help ' but she will have to change . listening to what you have to say . it's not gonna happen ' so you need to be on your bike .

Answer 23

Seek phsychological attention, she might have a serius problem

Answer 24

Get a girlfriend.

I like s*x, not as much as my husband and when he wants s*x and I do not and he gets mad.. I tell him to go get a girlfriend.. I truly do not mind, as long as he comes home to me every night!

Answer 25

If she loves you, then she would be willing to go to counseling. It is unfair to you. I would talk to her and tell her you want to get some sort of help for the sake of your marriage.

Answer 26

you know theres a really good book by this women Nancy Friday called Forrbiden Flowers. You and your wife should get it and read it together. Also there is a story in the back that sounds just like your twos story. I highly do reccomend this book, it helps a lot.

Answer 27

Oh, that is tough.

Personally, I could not live with someone who neglected my feelings and refused to seek help.

Only you can determine is she is worth sticking around for but get used to a living a life of loneliness in the intimacy department.

Good luck.

Answer 28

seek a marriage counselor.

Answer 29

find yourself a nice young girlfriend....that's what i did.  best thing i've ever done

Answer 30

She refuses  medical help.  I think you should leave her.   Leave her now that you have no children.  Once there are children it will be difficult to leave.

Answer 31

You are way too young to be stuck in a sexless marriage. I would just sit her down and explain to her that you are not happy with the situation and that if she doesn't seek some help to find out what the problem is, you plan on getting out of the marriage. If she feels the marriage is worth it then she will make the effort to find out what's going on with her mind/body. And if she doesnt, then I would take whatever steps you need to go be happy somewhere else.

Goodluck to you both!