What should I do about having to get the biological father of my twins to sign off on adoption to my husband?

Question

I was not married at the time, but had an affair with a man, basically I had s*x with him. I met him through a friend, we went out for a while, but eventually he headed down a wrong path (drugs) & I decided to break it off. Well after we broke up, I found out I was pregnant, with twins too. I was shocked! This guy was not father material & I just did not think he would be willing to raise the boys, so I told him I went to a local abortion clinic & had the babies aborted. I was only about a month and half along. He was shocked at the pregnancy & basically told me whatever I wanted to do was fine with him. He did tell his mother & she called me all the time & begged me not to do it, that they were her grandchildren. But after going down there to the clinic I did not/could not give up my babies. This was 10 years ago. I have never really spoken openly about this.

I am married to a wonderful man who loves me & my boys, he wants to adopt them. What should I do?? I am confused as h**l.

Answer 1

WELL TALK TO THE FATHER...IF HE DOESN'T WANT TO SIGN...TELL HIM YOUR TAKING HIM TO COURT FOR 10 YEARS BACK CHILD SUPPORT FOR 2 BOYS..WHEN HE GETS HIS BILL HOPEFULLY HE'LL CHANGE HIS MIND

Answer 2

What a twisted web we weave when we deceive. Although it was your choice as to whether or not you went through with the pregnancy, you absolutely did not have the right to lie about your decision to your children's father. He has the right to know that he has biological children so you must tell him immediately.

And, if he got his s*** together long enough to be "father material" you must allow him to form a relationship with the children. After all, the children are entitled to know who both their parents are. As for your husband it is wonderful that he wants to adopt your kids but until you clear this situation up with the biological father, you and he must put your plans on hold.

Answer 3

I agree with many of the comments you have already received.

The biological father deserves the right to know of his children - and the children most definately deserve the truth about who their father is.

It's about the kids. It's NOT about you.

They deserve to have the opportunity to know one another. It's up to them to make their own decisions.

Children can love a multitude of parents.

Lies and secrets only come back to bite you on the butt down the track.

Answer 4

I don’t know what you can do the biological father thought you aborted them.  You can’t force him to sign away his parental rights in order for your husband to legally adopt them. I read of story where a biological father didn’t sign just out of spite, the mothers husband was able to legally adopt the kids when they turned 18.  All I guess you can do is contact him and ask that he sign away his rights to the boys. Grant he will be shocked since he again thought you had aborted.

Whatever happens your husband is your boy’s father that will not change. Even if their biological father wants some contact with them and gets mandatory visitation.  Even if he refuses to sign his rights away if only to spite you. Your husband will still be Dad. If push comes to shove once they turn 18 , if they want it and he still wants it, he can legally adopt them then.

Answer 5

if he's never supported the kids, then he needs to give up his rights.  talk to a lawyer about it.  there might be a way through "abandonment".

Answer 6

You will have to contact him to have him sign off.  Don't expect him to since you never bothered to let him or his mother know that you did, in fact, not abort.    Your cross to bear now. He is still legally their father, so unless he signs off on it, your husband cannot adopt them.

Answer 7

If the boys have no desire to see their biological father and are happy with your husband, go for it. Also, make sure that their biological father is completely consent with giving up the kids whom he has not seen. If you do not do this, it could lead to some serious legal problems in the long run.

However, if he will not agree to adoption, the next best thing is just to have the boys call your husband dad, and act like they don't have the biological father. I don't see any harm in that.

Answer 8

Ask your twins what they want. Who do they consider their father. Your kids are old enough to have some say in this, so the responsibility is not totally on your shoulders. Don't be confused about what to do for the good of the birth family. If you have not seen them in 10 years, they made their choice. Do what is good for you and your twins and your family. Twins may want to meet the birth father some day, and they could. But the emotional tyes will lie somewhere else. You have my prayers

Answer 9

Whether you want it to be this way or not, he's still going to be the father of your kids. It was wrong of you to tell him that the babies were aborted. And that poor grandmother... She wanted those kids, and because you assumed that her son was not "father material", you not only robbed her of her grandkids, but you robbed your kids of a grandmother. You need to go talk to the father. If you threaten to sue him for child support, you'll lose because you're the one that told him you had the babies aborted in the first place. If the man is clean, and wants to get to now his kids, don't even ask him if another man can adopt his kids. Don't make a decision based on what YOU want, but what would be best for your kids. Your kids deserve the right to get to know their real father. No matter how hard you try, you'll never be able to close the gap their biological father left. Maybe getting to know their father a little will help a little though. If he's not clean and doesn't want the kids, I don't see why you shouldn't let your husband adopt the kids. He's going to be their father in every sense of the word, so why not on paper? But, I just have this little bit of advice: Let the grnadmother see her grandkids. Think about how you would feel if someone took your grandkids away... Good luck!!!

Answer 10

You need to seriously consider that the kids father will now want to be part of their lives.  He may have grown up quite a bit and can demand a paternity test to get visitation rights.  I'm sure you did what is best for your children at the time but not getting him to sign off paternity when you were pregnant was the mistake.  His mother has the right to know her grandchildren even if he does give up paternity (unless she is messed up too).  You can make his life difficult and demand back child support to keep him from his kids.  He can go to court and sue you in turn for deceiving him.  If you want to play it safe just keep quiet for a few more years and some states have a statute giving mothers the right to allow their kids to be legally adopted without the paternal fathers permission, NJ is one of those states.

Answer 11

Go to family court I think you would have to run an add in the last local paper you knew where is was, if he doesn't answer your husband can adopt them .

Answer 12

In order for your husband to adopt the children, you will need to get in contact with the BF (BirthFather). Now I know this will be hard, but you have to because he has to have his say infront of the court. If your husband will not say okay to your husband adopting the boys, hire a lawyer and fight this.

Answer 13

You need to have an open and frank discussion with him.

You cannot force him to give up his paternity rights...if he chooses to, as it sounds like he hasn't been involved up until now, then go ahead with everything.

If he wants to be in their lives, do not deny him that right.  (Legally, you can't anyway)  Your children deserve to know both birth parents, regardless of the circumstances of your relationship with their father.

He may see that this is the best decision for everyone, and agree without a fight, or it may force him into re-examining his role as a father, and if he wants to know his children, help him do that.

Your husband is still their day to day father...that won't change, either way.  :)

Good luck to you.

Answer 14

There are several things wrong here.

You shouldn't have lied to the birth father or his mother

You shouldn't have left him out of the children's lives

You shouildn't expect him to bo OK with the fact that you did lie and cut him out.

By the way, if he refuses to sign away his rights, you shouldn't pursue back child support, since it was your choice to cut him out, and what you did could actually lead to legal action because you committed fraud.  It isn't fraud to just not tell him about the children.  It IS fraud to tell him that you are getting an abortion when you know that you are not.  You could lose your children.  It is unlikely, but possible.

How does your husband feel about your deceitful act?  Has he known all along?

OK, that is the past, and we are concerned with the future now.  

You should contact an attorney, and tell them everything that you did and said regarding the children, including the lies.

Have them draw up papers to serve to the birth father.  You should make every possible attempt to locate him, including contacting known family and friends.

I suggest the following, but you should consult your attorney before doing it.

You should write a letter that the lawyer can have enclosed in with the papers that will be served.  The letter should include:

An explanation that you made a decision in the past that may have been deceitful, but it was because you knew that he was involved in drugs, and you didn't feel that it was in the best interest of the child.  Explain that you have a good life now, and that your husband would like to adopt the children.  Further explain that you feel it will probably disrupt all of your lives, especially the lives of the children, to bring him intop the picture as a father figure now.  Reiterate that this is due to a decision that you made, and it wouldn't be fair to the children to dist=rupt their lives now.  Offer him the opportunity to see the children.  This will allow him to feel like he is now making the decision, not you.   If he chooses to see them, make sure that he sees how great their life is now.  It will make him feel better about allowing them to continue their lives as they have lived them.