What should I do about my MIL who is trying to take over my child?

Question

My MIL is starting to act like the mom instead of grandma. She is always coming over. Also when me, my husband, and the baby try to go on outings, just the 3 of us..she wants to come along. We try to be nice & hint to her but she never gets it. I work from home and now she is off on Fridays, well now she wants to come over every friday. She says it is to help me out but i know it is only to see the baby pretty much. I can handle if the other 4 days/wk so i don't need her on fridays, plus she is more of a distraction. I'm on someone else's time & i have alot of work to do each day. My husband told her last night that when people come, it's a distraction to me and to our baby because sometimes it gets him off his schedule. And she wants to pick him up ALL the time (and I don't want that) because then he'll expect that from me when i can't. Also when we are at family gatherings, she comes and grabs him from me & doesn't give him back until we leave. It's just so frustrating. I ask for him, and she says, "i've got him"...as if she doesn't want to give my baby to me. She is going to be off for a week at the end of the month & says she's coming...how do i stop her? When my husband told her last night it distracts us & we'd rather not have people over while i'm working, she said but i help her & then at the end of their conversation she said she was still coming friday. What do i do??? I have a controlling MIL!!

Answer 1

punch her in the face! okay not really..but that would p**s me off and I would be yelling at someone

Answer 2

I know the feeling of having a controling MIL.  Tell your husband or you MIL you do NOT need help with your baby.  Let your MIL know that she is not helping by constantly coming over and trying to disrupt your routine.  You could also confront her about why she's talking about you and your family to other people.  If you feel you MIL is getting in the way don't back down or she'll keep doing things to annoy you.  Your husband should be the one to talk to his mother about this.

Answer 3

Your MIL states to you, your husband and others that she is coming over to help you out.  Will let her.  tee hee.

When she arrives thank her profusely for coming over to help out.  you and your baby should be dressed and ready to go as soon as she comes in to go meet one of your girl friends for breakfast and shopping.  On your way out the door hand her a list of chores.  Laundry, dusting, grocery shopping or whatever else you can think of.  

Come back later on in the day and if she is still there walk around and inspect her work. Tell her she's a gem for helping out like that.  Then ask her what's for dinner.  

Answer 4

I don't get it you don't have to answer the door when someone knocks and you got an answering machine.. So close up the house and don't answer the door on Friday, leave a note on the door, "busy come back next week".

Don't answer the phone.. let the answering machine screen the calls.  At family gatherings let her hold the baby for a hour.. then take the baby back and say "I am the Mom time for me to do my job" and make sure your husband is standing right there when you say it.

You let people control you .. nobody can contorl you unless you let them.  

Answer 5

before she comes over tomorrow just tell tell her thank you for offering to come help but we've got it under control today so there is no need for you to come over.

it is time you have a talk with her.  

Answer 6

You need to start by setting boundaries and sticking to them. Tell her that you are taking a much needed "mommy and baby mental health" day and taking your baby shopping forthe morning rather than work. Tell her to call first rather than just stop over in case you are not home yet. Thank her for all her efforts, and then simply don't answer the phone when she calls, or when she does get you guys tell her you have plans. Limit her visits to reasonable times. It is better for you guys in the long run.  

Answer 7

you are a grown woman so speak to her as an equal and tell her that you understand how she loves her grandchild but that you can't allow her to destroy your work and home schedule

Answer 8

I feel sympathy for both of you. I see your point, but I see hers, too. I'm sure she loves your little guy so much that she feels she just can't get enough of him. (Someday you may be that way with other babies in the family, too. It happens when your kids are older)

Maybe when she comes over, she can take the baby for a walk in the stroller, or something? This could give you a break so you can get your work done.

I'd hesitate to break your relationship off with her, because there could come a day when you will need her help. Wait til that little one has a couple of siblings! It will be nice to shuttle the kids off to Grandma's for a break!

I know this is not what you may want to hear, but try really hard to maintian a good relationship with your MIL. You may be the best thing she has going right now!

Answer 9

Pick a time that you and your husband will be at home together then ask her to come over . After she gets there ask her to have a seat because you both want to talk to her . ( It will take the both of you )

Sit her down and tell her , " We really do appreciate every thing that you have done and we realize that you love your grandson very much but it is getting out of control ."  then tell her from this point on there will be rules . #1 You must call before coming over . #2 When we have a family outing it will be just the 3 of us not the 4 of us . #3 When you do come over you can not be constantly holding him . This will cause him to always expect it and that is not good for him or us . #4 from now on rather it be at a family gathering or not , if I ask for my child you will give him to me .  If there are more issues , address all of them with her . Be very firm with her and let her know you mean business .

Also let her know that you do not appreciate the fact that she is talking behind your back about the way you care for your child and you do not appreciate the fact that she is also talking about your family .

Let her know that there will be changes and she will have no choice but to accept them .

If she comes over before calling , lock the doors and refuse to let her in . If she shows up inviting herself on your outings tell her , sorry but our plans do not include you , then leave her standing .

If by chance she calls and you already have plans or are busy , tell her , sorry this isn't a good time right now we will call you when it is a better time and we don't have so much going on . Then hang up !

Do not give her a chance to try and argue with you .

You are going to have to stay firm with her and stick to your rules , not hers .

I know all of this may seem mean to do , but you and your family can not keep living this way . She has to be made to understand that she is the grandmother and she will have to take a back seat .

Good luck .

Answer 10

you take back control.  

You ask her to call first before she comes over.  

you don't let her in the house if she didn't call first.  

You tell her now is not a good time  (don't hint.  she's either deliberately ignoring the hints or she's just a social clod and isn't picking up on them)

you throw her a bone once in a while.  Let her take the baby for the day, this will give you a day off to go do what you want.

so for that week she is off--TELL HER "let's make a schedule of what days are good for you to come visit."  Make a schedule and stick to it.  

Stand up for yourself, woman!  Do it now while you are still able to be polite, otherwise you'll wind up exploding in frustration all over her and make an enemy for life.

Good Luck.

edit to your add:

STAND UP FOR YOURSELF.  

DO NOT LET HER IN THE HOUSE WITHOUT CALLING FIRST.

DO NOT FEEL BAD IF SHE GETS UPSET--she's already telling lies about you and you're letting her walk all over you.  So  you have nothing to fear by standing up for yourself.  Remind her that you are the mom and it's your turn to be mom now.  Tell her that it's got back to you that she is telling lies about you and you now have reservations about having her around your child unsupervised.  Be bold, go for broke.  If she's going to lie about you give her some really juicy fodder.

Answer 11

I wouldn't even allow her in my home let alone to take my baby from me like that.  

Answer 12

First of all, where is your husband and why isn't he stepping up for you!?  When he married you, he was supposed to cling to you and cut the apron strings!

Talk to your husband and create a unified front before approaching your MIL.  Get your thoughts in order and be ready to address everything:  the unnecessary gossip, the hogging of the child, the frequency of visits, etc.  Your husband needs to be the one who does the talking and you can back him up.  This is HIS mother and HE needs to STAND UP to her.

Unfortunately, many people are too ignorant to catch subtle hints.  you're going to have to blantantly obvious for her.  I'm NOT saying to be rude or hurtful, just be honest and forthcoming.  When she tries to invite herself along on your family outings, tell her this is time for you and your family to have time together.  She can spend time with you all on another day.

When she won't give you your child, simply reach down and take him from her.

If she refuses to stop gossiping about you and making you to be a mother who can't handle her child, when she has the child tell her she isn't holding him correctly, feeding him correctly or whatever and make sure you do this in front of others.  Sometimes you have to embarrass people to get them to stop behaving like holier-than-thou snobs.  Sorry, but drastic situations sometimes call for drastic actions.

Here are some things you could say in certain situations:

"Look, you raised your children already and I didn't get in your way, so stop getting in my way when I am raising my children."

"He is my son and I get to hold him when I want to, you can hold when I say you can."

"It's not polite to invite yourself along.  Your mother should have raised you better than that."

"If you insist on talking about me behind my back trying to make me look like a bad mother, I will have to terminate your visits with my child."