What should I do about my father?

Question

My father has never been a big part of my life. He and my mother divorced when I was 2 and after that, I was lucky to see him once a month or even on the holidays. When the time came to 'pop the question,' my fiance asked my mother for permission and approval, but not my father. Now, people have been running back to him telling him when my wedding date is and he decided he wants to be part of my life. He called me a week ago and told me how I didn't need to get married, he doesn't approve, etc. and I hung up on him. He has called numerous times since then and I haven't answered. He won't be paying for a thing at the wedding, so I really don't feel bad at all. Now I'm unsure of what to do. Should I keep ignoring him? Should I try to involve him? Should I even listen to him opinion (I think not because he knows nothing about me or my fiance)? Who should walk me down the aisle?

Answer honestly please & I'll return the favor!

Answer 1

It's never as simple as "he's your father" and people need to respect that.

Go with your gut honey.

My father wont be there and people try to tell me I'll regret it. You don't get a free pass in life for special occasions just because you're a parent. Sometimes having to look that person in the face on your special day will simply ruin it. In my case, there would be a knock down drag out face punching fight with the men on my mom's side if my biological father showed up. Sad but true. I didn't create the mess, I simply live with the choices my parents made. Sounds similar for you.

I'd listen to what he has to say and then calmly explain my feelings and my decision and leave it at that. But if your heart softens...try listening again, don't cut him out out of spite...make sure it's what you truly truly want.

As for who walks you...grandpa, mom, close Uncle...a friend of mine had her flower girl walk her down the aisle.

Answer 2

leave him out!

Answer 3

Next time he calls, answer and don't let him get a word in. Say this:

"I am marrying so-and-so and there is nothing you can do about it! I love him, he loves me, and I'm not making a mistake in any way, so if you approve, fine, if you don't, fine, I still love him and you cannot change my mind!"

If he continues to not support you, simply interupt his rant, and tell him that you will not be answering any of his calls anymore and hang up.

Answer 4

Ask yourself this- would you want your kids to do that to their parents, would you be content when the day comes that he no longer lives and you never let him express his opinion or even yet the reason for his absence. Life isnt about wrong and right is understanding the reasons for the happenings and specially when is family as close as your father/mother. The disregard for his emotions now - wont do any good to you.

Answer 5

Ignore him.Think of all the times you needed him and he wasnt there.He should not get to dictate your life.You are you and if your mother approves after raising you on her own she knows best.She seems one h**l of a woman so Listen to her not him.He cant just walt into your life again and demand this stuff from you.You shouldnt be expected to have this problem.This is unfair,selfish and unconsiderate of your 'father' to do this to you coming up on your big day.

Forget about him like he did to you.

(Btw that last comment is not there to sound mean..)

Enjoy your wedding day and Congradulations

Answer 6

Do you think he would behave appropriately at the wedding?

If you feel he would behave appropriately, then ask him to escort you down the aisle.

Or . . .

He can walk on one side, and mom can walk on your other side.

I think the man keeps calling because he wants to be involved.  Consider giving him a chance . . . especially if you think he can behave appropriately at the wedding.

Answer 7

Well maybe you could extend the courtesy of JUST inviting him.  Just don't make a big deal of it.  You're mother is the important parent/guest at your wedding and she will of course have a very special role in your wedding.  But maybe you could just invite your father, put him at a regular table, where you would put old friends/co-workers or something, not a special place like the parents table.

He does want to be involved, but you are right that he doesn't really have the right/knowledge to contribute his opinion or approval of what you do with your life or wedding.  But maybe just inviting him and allowing him attend as a regular guest might appease him and leave you feeling guilt-free about the situation.

Good Luck!

Answer 8

I know the feeling. Same situation here, haven't talked to my dad at all in several years, so I'm definitely going to be in the same boat as you when that time comes.

I've given it a lot of thought myself, and I'm assuming he was absent in a variety of other milestones. My father didn't even call me when I graduated from high school.

My point is, what makes this event any different? It seems as though his opinion isn't very important, as it doesn't seem like he offered it much through your life as it is. Your unsure feelings are expected though, considering how much of a turning point in your life this is.

I suggest that you invite a closer male, such as a stepfather, grandfather, or close friend, to walk you down the aisle. If it is so important to him to be in your life, he will respect that decision. If you two are on good terms around them, perhaps an invitation to the reception would be a good idea. Give him the chance to be a father if he really appreciates and seeks it. Make him work for it as he should have during your childhood.

Best wishes and congratulations on your engagement.

Answer 9

I have the same problem... and my answer for you, is have your maternal grandfather do it! My grampy is way closer to me than my "father", and if your grandpa is no longer living, do you have any other close male relative like an uncle, your brother, a cousin... what about your fiance's father... are you close to him? I am excited to know that I am not going to have to walk alone, and that my grampy is going to do it. I always dreaded the fact that my father wasn't apart of my life and my wedding wouldn't be "normal"... I mean, what do brides out there do if their father had passed away right? Anyways, good luck with that, and I hope the best for your big day!  

Answer 10

Hey, interesting story. Yea it is two answers to this. He hasnt been in your life so why is he trying to tell you how to life now right. You are grown, and you dont need him for this descision. You should ask him why is he coming in your life now. Where was he when you where young and needed an adult advice. But still talk to him resolve it, you dont wanna hurt him how he hurt you. But tell him that it is you choice, you are in love and you are sure. Please take care and i hope my advice helped! Please answer my question.

Answer 11

u should have the closest fatherly figure(not your dad) walk u down like a grandfather or uncle. if he wants to be involved in ur life just to tell u how to live it then no. he doesn't know how important this is to u cuz he wasn't there to witness u go through it. i would say no don't do it. im only fifteen and when i grow up to get married ima have the exact same problem. wish u the best of luck and congrats on ur soon-to-be-marriage

Answer 12

You hear from him maybe once or twice a year. He calls you and wants to be a part of the wedding, but does not approve of it, or I guess the groom either. And he does not know him at all?

If you let him get involved, it will be with his approval for the groom and the wedding, he will put a smile on his face, he will not walk you down the aisle. You set the rules you want. I would want money. If he is going to be there, and claim to be your father, he has to pony up. Maybe like give you money towards the bar. And get the money upfront.

Maybe you and fiancee and your Mom should have a little talk with him. And lay down your rules, whatever you decide they should be. Or, the meeting should be to tell him to get lost.

But if this happened to me, I  would tell him to ..., well you can guess what I might say. What has he done except upset you? He has not been around since you were two.

If you must include him he does not have to walk you down the aisle. You could give him a father daughter dance, but the guy who took you down the aisle should get one first.  

Answer 13

hi dear

U don't need to think about ur father or take his decision bcaz from ur childhood he hasn't came to see u or cared abt you in any thing and now how come he is advising abt this and want to be a part in  this occasion.

u just invite him for ur wedding as ur  relative or someone like that but u need not to care abt him .

u can marry if ur mother agree for ur marriage.

happy married life.

Answer 14

well.. i think you should let your mom walk you down the aisle.. but i wouldnt exclude him from coming to the wedding. i would just tell him how you feel and that nothing could change you getting married. :)

Answer 15

Ignore him.

Just get a trusted relative like an uncle or close friend to walk you down the isle.

Answer 16

Only you can decide what role your father has in your life and your wedding. I know you say he hasn't been a part of your life (and I'm playing the devil's advocate here) but is some of what he is saying kind of true? Are some of the advice and reasons that he gives for not wanting you to do get married kind of good? Pretend that this advice was being given by someone other than him, someone that HAS been a part of your life and someone you trust-would you listen to them or maybe give the advice more creadance? I'm not suggesting that you let your father back in your life, he obviously hurt you a lot by not being there when you needed him and I know you want to know why he's trying to get back in now but maybe you should tell him exactly what you have told us in your question. Ask him why he has decided to suddenly reappear and give you advice now. Maybe you'll get some answers that will you figure out his motive-whether he is being genuine or just butting in where it is not welcome. Good luck to you.

Answer 17

Don't complicate your day with this nonsense. You have enough to worry about. Ignore him and then after you are married if you want to try to develop a relationship with him, you can do so at your own pace without all the drama. Don't listen to his opinions and don't let him try to upset you. Anyone that is special to you in your life can walk you down the aisle, or you can walk down the aisle yourself ( I did, my father passed away) and it is also okay. Stay strong. And those people who ran back to him to tell him all about your wedding should be told to mind their own business too. You don't need any more stress !!!

Answer 18

I think you should have your mother walk you down the aisle since she is the one that raised you, and she is the person your fiance went to so he could ask for permission.  I think that would be really special for you both.

About your father, I think you should have a talk with him and tell him that you won't listen to his negativity and if he can't be supportive, than he doesn't need to be involved and leave it at that.  If he finds out stuff through other people, than he can, but that doesn't mean you have to be stressed out over him.  You need to have fun and enjoy planning your big day.  Do what you want to do, and don't let any negativity get to you.

Good Luck!  

Answer 19

How about having your Mom walk you down the aisle?  Or an older brother/uncle....or someone who has been a big part of your life.  As far as keeping in touch with your Dad- I would tell him that if he can't be supportive of you, and your decisions, than he doesn't need to be a part of your life.....

Answer 20

If he didn't give a d**n about you when you are younger, you shouldn't feel bad not including him in your big day. Especially when he did find out you are getting married, he's telling you not to. If I were you, I would invite him to your wedding after all he is your father but that would be the extent of it.  I wouldn't let him walk me down the aisle and I definitelyywouldn'tt want a father/daughter dance at the reception. As to your question about who will walk you down the aisle, what about mom?  It sounds like you two are close.  If you feel wierd about that, is there a step father or uncle who's been like a father to you?  I would ask him.  But this is all up to you.  I am kind of in some kind of a situation, but it's my mother who isn't talking to me.  She hasn't talked to me in months and all of a sudden she wants to be a part of the wedding, ONE month before.  I basically told her thanks but no thanks.  I have done all the planning and finalizing without her so far, I don't need any help now.

But yeah like I said this is all up to you, good luck!

Answer 21

he seems to be acting like a jerk.  next time he calls tell him since he couldn't be a father to you growing up, he cannot be a father now.  Don't let him ruin this special time in your life.

Answer 22

Honestly, if your father has never taken any interest in involving himself in your life before then why should he know. Maybe hear what he has to say, but let him no know that he won't be able to change your mind.

It's all up to you if you want him to be walking you down the aisle.

But usually the father is chosen to walk you down the aisle because he has been there for you since the begininng and has watch you grow.

It doesn't seem like your father has.

I personally wouldn't have him walk me down the aisle.

But again, its all up to you.

Answer 23

Though I liked my dad as much, and my dad apparently treat me better in the past than now, because he is seeing someone behind my mom's back and they are not seperated / divorce... [[ok, story aside...]]

I will not want my dad to be the one who should walk me down the aisle, because to me, the person who walks me down should be someone I respect most and loves me loads in return. That's the whole issue aboout. But I'm okay with him, joining the ceremony as he is my dad - that can't be changed.

Hmmm, I do not think he should be ignored, maybe he can join the ceremony and not walk u down the aisle (if you think you don't want or that if you felt uncomfy about it), you can always ask your grandfather or uncle to do so.

He's your dad afterall. I bet all parents in the world hopes and want to see their children, married and be there and happy for them. Cheers

Answer 24

Have your Mother walk you down the aisle.  She seems to have been the most important one in your life.

Invite your Dad, if you wish, but as a Guest.  And let him know that.  Also, don't listen to his c**p.  Just because he's your Dad doesn't make him the expert.

Answer 25

Time for a little maturity on your part.  You need to talk to your father,

and quit hanging up on him.  Listen ot what he has to say.  Tell him you'll think it over, then do what you want.  Whoever is paying makes the choices.  Joely Fisher had her dad walk her part way down the aisle, then her mom walked her the rest of the way.  Her dad --Eddie

Fisher--was not in her life much, but she wanted to give him a part in the wedding.  He was there at the start of her life, so he got to start the walk down the aisle.  Might not work for you, just a thought.

Answer 26

I'm wondering about the wording of part of your question. You said   "He called me a week ago, and told me how I didn't need to get married, he doesn't approve,etc...." Did he mean he doesn't approve of you getting married in general? Or he doesn't approve of your fiancee' ? Was he trying to communicate his disdain for marriage in general? Or he really has a problem with your man?  Sounds like their (your parents) divorce might have soured him on the whole idea of marriage, and he's trying to drag you down into that pit. If he calls again, I'd tell him if he really has a problem with your fiancee' in particular, he's got 30 seconds to lay it out, but seeings as he barely knows the guy, he'd better come with more than some lame generalities. If he's just soured on marriage, tell him he's not going to pull you down into his pit of bitterness and loneliness. Just because he failed in his marriage doesn't mean you're going to fail in yours, and maybe if he'd support you instead of trying to ruin everything, you'd feel better about letting him have a bigger presence in your life. Lastly, I'd probably extend an invitation to him to your wedding, but tell him A. he'll have the position of any other guest, and will not have any special role. And B. whatever animosity he might still have towards your mother or your wedding BETTER NOT SHOW. He's to behave himself, or he'll be escorted out. Then assign the role of father sitter to one of the ushers or groomsmen.

Oh and by the way, congratulations on your pending wedding.

Mazel Tov