What should I do about my mother?

Question

My mother is very old fashioned in her beliefs. I have a lovely boyfriend. We are both from different countries in Europe, but are living in my home country now. My mother thinks it's a huge taboo! She won't tell anyone about us and keeps it a secret. She says we shouldn't be together and that he does not have enough money. He has a normal 9-5 job. I love him and we have been together for 2 years. I don't need any financial support, I love him for who he is. Any advice?

My mon is a devoted mother, and a good person, but we can't see eye to eye on this and it's causing pain for both of us.

Answer 1

My moms the same way, She doesnt accept my choices for mine and feels like she needs to regulate everything, your mother means you no sadness, its just people that come from that era belive what they think is right, and nothing will change there mind, so I would advise you tell your mother that you are happy with him, and if she has any further problems to please keep them to herself...actually, that might end up with alot of pent up frusteration. nevermind. I dunno.

Answer 2

I'm from Italy now in the US and my mother told me not to date Italian men.  Some are set in their ways and we has free thinking humans need to make our own choices in life, we are the ones that have to live with them.  You will never make the mama change her ways of thinking, except that this is who she is and how she thinks.  Now you love this guy and he makes you happy...Love him and hope one day mom will love him to, its the only thing you can do.

Answer 3

I know she is your Mother and I know you love her, BUT she has lived her life and now it is for you to live yours.  You only have one life.  This is not a rehearsal.  You need to sit her down and explain to her that you do love her, but if she cannot accept the love of your life for who he is then you will have to move on with your life.  

Money does not bring happiness.  That has been proved over and over again.  I do not think your Mother is being a "Good" Mother by trying to destroy your happiness.  If you let this destroy your relationship with the man you love you will regret it for the rest of your life.

You said you do not need financial support so if you are living at home I strongly suggest you move out.

Good Luck to you.

Answer 4

Don't do anything about her, she won't change her old fashion ways. Just keep doing what makes you happy.

My grandparents could never see eye to eye with my mother because my father is jewish. They married anyway, had three children and have been happily married for 45 years.  

Answer 5

For how many generations have your mothers ancestors been "pure" and from the same country and ethnicity?  I rather suspect her family is made up of different ethnicities.  Will that cut any ice with her?  If that's not the basis for her objection, why is it she has the problem?  

Answer 6

you cant do anything because she's you're mom,  

Answer 7

You are not a parent,  so you do not feel what your mom is feeling.  No parent or mom wants their children will suffer in the future,  they always give their very best to their children.  Your mom is not an old fashion,  she is being practical,  now a days everything are so expensive,  she does not want to be struggling in your finances in your future.

I know you love your boyfriend and you accept him for who he is and what he offers.  You can say that you do not need any financial support right now,  because you are not married yet and stay together in one roof as husband and wife.  When you do not have enough money to pay your household bills,  and your children has nothing to eat,  you have a hard time to budget your incoming money,  living pay check to paycheck. And there will be fights on your finances,  you need to think and have enough money to survive,  you can not live with only love.   Your mom wants to have financial security too.  There is nothing wrong to love somebody who earn not enough money,  I think you need to understand the point of view of your mom.  You can help your boyfriend to find a good job that pays more money,  or you can both work to supply all your needs when you get married and have children.

In my own experience,  I was married to my husband,  he earns little money,  I helped him too,  I have worked and have part- time too,  so we have enough money to survive.  Now I got only one job,  I have a hard time to find some money to pay my bills,  food and the need of my son,  it is really hard to budget the income or the money that my husband brings home.  I do not have extra money to spend when there is an emergency.  But Praise God,  we survive each day with His help,  sometimes God sends people to give me some money,  so I can pay my bills and etc.

I hope you will understand and consider what your mom is saying,  and help your boyfriend to meet his dream of finding a better job that pays more,  and have more benefits.

Answer 8

well you can't do nothing about it if you mum doesn't except him after so many years then you can't do anything about it.....

Answer 9

sounds to me there might be a religious undertone to your mothers reticence about your relationship .... are you indian perhaps?  Try sitting down with your mother and boyfriend and discussing exactly what she thinks the problems are and what you and she think you can do to make a difference.... if the base problem for her is religion alone then there really is nothing that can be done to change her opinion  and so you must do what you need for yourself - despite her resistence .... however i do know that in general no matter how much a parent says they are unhappy with their children - when a child needs them they will always be there for them ..... so knowing this, knowing that she cares for you, perhaps you should take another look at things from her point of view - remember she is on the outside of your relationship and so what she sees is not tinted by emotional pulls for your boyfriend ... perhaps she may not be so wrong after all? ... and there is almost nothing worse than the regret you would feel if she proves, in the long term, to be right .... as your mother I'm sure she feels she's got your best interests at heart - most parents do - so look and think long and hard .....

Answer 10

is this big divide ethnic or religious or both?  Without more info, it's difficult to advise.  Your mother's perspective has been gained over time as well as family traditions which at some point had historical validity.  So if you're a Christian-Muslim couple, you could have some problems in today's world.  Same thing with ethnically mixed couples. If there is some level militancy or radicalism, these can cause relationship problems.   Discuss your family's concerns with each other and how you two plan to deal with the situation.  Then stick together and go for the future.  Good Luck

Answer 11

Make a date of sorts with your mother, go out to lunch or just sit and have some tea. Just you and her so the two of you can have some relaxing time to sit and have a heart to heart talk. Let her know how much you love and appreciate her for all that she's done for you. Let her know that you know how much she loves you and wants the best for you. That you understand her concerns and that it makes you happy to know that even when your grown she's still watching out for you as only a mother can. Point to her how he treats you and that you are happy. Point out all the good in your relationship. How happy the two of you are, and that, that is whats important. That it would make you even happier if she could be happy for you. That if things were turned around you would want her happiness. Then give her some time to come around and process all that the two of you talked about. I think when she sees that you really are happy, she will come to be happy for you.

At the same time, remember that as your mother she has seen a lot more of life. Sometime they see the things that we don't want to see because we Love the other person and we want it to work. Sometimes a mother can see what is sure to come and the love they have for us, they want to spare of the pain. So you also need to listen to her concerns. In the end, if you know this is the relationship you want, and you are happy. Then that's were you should be.

Answer 12

That's tough. My mother is like that, she has never seemed to like any of the boyfriends that I've had because she thinks they aren't good enough for me/don't make enough money, etc. I always tell her that I'd rather be happy and poor than miserable and rich with someone who treats me like c**p! At the end of the day you have to know that your mom probably means well and she was raised in a different time with different standards.

All you can do is try to make her understand how happy this guy makes you and how UNhappy her constant criticism makes you. If she still doesn't respond then you have to keep living your life, your mom will eventually get over it. I try to remind my mom that she was young once too.

Answer 13

I wont say Moms are always right.

but your Mom seems right