What should I do at this point? Next part is kinda long....?

Question

I'm a live-in nanny during my summers away from college and have been for a few years now. I've never really had a problem with discipline before, but the 5 year-old girl I care for has become extremely defiant lately. She refuses to do anything that is asked of her, and responds with screaming, a stare to the face and says no, or lays in the floor and throws a tantrum, the last of which resulted in her busting my lip after a kick to the face. Her dad, who works 12-14 hours a day for these kids, gave me permission to spank her, but that hasn't worked. I've tried time-out, grounding and removing her toys and tv from her room, and now she's standing in a corner and has been for over an hour. She's VERY argumentative, and time-out and/or grounding have worked in the past, resorting to spanking last. I usually have them sit for one minute per year of age, and then ask why i had to put them there, and if they're ready to behave, usually with positive results.

Answer 1

instead of making her stand in the coner strip her room no tv no toys and when she acts up that is her place to go. it seperates her from the situation and gives her time to think

Answer 2

Have you watched Supernanny? She deals with this all the time, and I have found with my own children that the methods work, you just have to keep at it. The problems did not develop overnight and will not go away overnight.

Several things here...

1. I do not think you should be spanking the children, whether or not you have permission, because it opens you up to a lot of circumstances that I am sure you do not want to be involved in or to have follow you to other assignments with children. One is being reported for abuse, of any kind. That type of punishment should always be reserved for the parent, as there is a lot of liability on the part of a nanny.

2. An hour in a corner is too long and is making it worse. Pediatricians recommend to gauge timeout by the age of the child, 1 minute per year. So if she is 5 then it would be 5 minutes. Use a special spot away from the fun area that is deemed as the timeout spot, or as supernanny says the naughty chair. Explain firmly without yelling that you do not like her behavior, that it is unacceptable and that when you come back you expect her to appologize to you before she can join in with the other children. If she refuses to appologize, and her time is up give her another minute. If she still refuses to appologize tell her she is not going to be included on any of the 'fun' things. Also, while she is in time out, ignore her demands or yellings. Only pay attention if she removes herself from that place, to place her back there and the time starts all over from that point.

3. Understand, and maybe talk to her on kid terms, that she is missing daddy and needs time with him. You did not mention the mother so that can play a role also. Instead of speaking to him to get permission to spank maybe speak to him to advise him that his children may be acting out because they feel left out of his life and need some time reserved for them.

4. When other kids are there, give her and another child similar in age a project to work on together. This will allow for her to have an acomplished feeling, and start building on her social skills. Have them paint pots and plant a few seeds or anything. As long as it is together and has an end that can be seen, it should work.

5. Good luck. Dealing with children who are struggling to find where they might belong is tough. You just have to remember that they are the child, and they may not understand what is going on around them and are acting out in the only way they know how to get the attention that they need.

EDIT TO ADD:

After your update, I just want to say coming from a motherless household that they need more time with their dad. A set time after work where he does nothing but spend time with them. It will make a world of difference. No matter how long you have been with them all children will act out if they feel that they are not receiving enough attention from a parental figure. Everyone says they are doing it for attention, and that is right. Now you have to figure out how to fix it, and I would bet that having her spend some time with daddy on a regular basis will greatly improve her attitude.

Answer 3

sounds like she is crying out of attention. i think i would try to ignore her if you can.. i know when you are out with other kids you can't do that but if your home, in the kitchen and she is throwing a fit i would walk around like its no big deal.

i am sure she is trying to figure out how much you will let her get away with since you are there in the summer time and she doesn't know how far you will let her go, she is pushing you to see what and how far she can push you.  maybe you can talk to her dad and see what the other Nanny's have done to discipline her. and she if that works for you. Time outs are good, but sometimes they don't do anything. taking toys or TV or special things we do like walking to the ice cream shop, his choice for dinner, watching a family movie night, game nights something like that  away usually works with my 6 year old too.

if you have tried everything and nothing still works i would spank her, i would make her pull down her pants and i would spank her not hard but enough to make her aware of it and it should make her cry. other wise she isn't going to respect it as a punishment.