What should I do if I'm in love with my best friend who is a married woman?

Question

I just thought I would get a little bit more insight on the subject...I'm not planning on trying to break up a marriage or anything like that...I'm just confused. Let me give you a little more info before ya'll start bashing me...

I'm married but seperated pending a divorce and child custody hearing. My wife has been smoking crack and snorting coke while I'm working my a$$ off and I told her to get out. I have our 4 month old son and I'm going to try to terminate her parental rights. I found out she has a long history of alcohol/drug abuse and mental illness. I can't even begin to tell you how evil she is. She once told me that she wished I would kill myself and said another time that she would kill our son and then herself...so basically SHE's OUT THE DOOR! FOREVER! I did love her at some point because of our son and enough to marry her...now i'm struggling through this divorce. My best friend that I have known all my life and grew up with found out that we could be friends again because my wife is out of the picture and never let me contact my friends (which I honored cause Im an idiot ok I got it) Anyway, since I moved away from her when I was 9 we have always remained close and still visited each other and I have always been in love with her and even got ballsy enough to tell her when I was probably about 13-14 (Im 23 now). She moved off farther away and met her now husband...got married and had a baby...now they moved back closer to home and she has a lot more contact with me almost on a daily basis. I met her husband and he seems like a great guy. I'm so proud of her and I am glad that she has a happy family but these feelings that I have had ALL MY LIFE, even when we were so far apart, won't go away EVER and I don't feel like they ever will...I'm just stuck and don't know what to do...Just looking for some advice...

Answer 1

The best thing you can do is keep this in your inner most deepest part of your heart. Never utter a word to anyone at all in any form or fashion.

Do this for the love you say you have for her. I am glad to know you would never do anything to hurt their marriage.  

Answer 2

just get over her.. as far as the church, society and law are concern it is wrong to love a woman that is married.

Answer 3

First of all, let me offer my sympathies on your situation.  This must be hard.  Second, you must look at the facts and separate these from emotions.  Yes, you love this lady, or at least you think you love this lady.  She has a husband, she has a child.  I would not think of even touching this with a ten foot pole.  You would be devastating a child's life.  Children that live in a broken home don't have an easy life.  Plus, don't you think that you are more worthy of a woman who is not taken?  You are probably romanticizing the situation.  You are young, you are 23 and she may be a pain to live with.  I know many people who have cheated, broken up their marriages and families, for it to not work.  And 90% of infidelities do not work out.  I'm sorry to say, but you should try to discover a new hobby, get out there, meet some fresh faces, there are many great women out there, you just gotta get yourself out there, try new things.  I just think that this is too sticky of a situation.  Good luck!

Answer 4

I think you should just go on with your life. If you are interested in marrying her ... You will probably be waiting for a great deal of time. Shes married - off market. If her husband still allow you guys to have a close friendship he is really trusting. I don't think you want to ruin her mariage. I think you are more so envious for your own relationship - you would like yours to be like theirs. Perfect emotion, its just she's married. Just respect the marriage - and don't flirt with her. If she was married to you, would you want her bestfriend hitting on her from her childhood?

Answer 5

forget it !

Answer 6

My mother always said that married people have no business having "close" relationships with the opposite s*x. You could cause problems in their relationship and or set yourself up for a heartbreak. I once had to let a female best friend go. Once i met my wife, i had to decide which relationship was more important to me. Now we're still friends, but to keep anything from being speculated, i only visit her or talk to her in the presence of my wife. In my eyes that's the best way. ut that's just me.

Answer 7

Texas Firefighter~

You are going through a very difficult time right now and this married friend is filling an emotional void in your heart.    Men and women who are going through grief will often seek counseling because they have feelings of despair, depression and hopelessness.  But what can often happen is they will bond with their therapists and therapists are all too aware of this and sometimes will not treat patients of the opposite s*x for this reason.     These people will actually believe they are in love with their therapists because their therapists are helping to make the pain of a broken marriage go away.   I doubt very much that you are in love with your lady friend though you actually think you are.  

Right now your heart and your head are in conflict with each other.  Your head is telling you, and rightly so, that your lady friend is off limits because she is a married woman.  She’s not only married but she’s happily married with a child.  Your values and conscience remind you that it would be wrong to try and have a relationship with this woman.

But your heart is telling you something totally different and this is what is causing you great turmoil and confusion.

Divorce can be a tremendous stressor on a person’s life and because of this you are very vulnerable.    When you are emotionally vulnerable your sense of good judgment becomes impaired.  A gentle sympathetic compassionate voice can be very comforting.  So much so that you can mistakenly think you are in love with the other person.

You said when you were only 14 you told  best friend that you loved her.  You may have.  But the love a 14 feels for someone else is not a lasting love and it is not a true love.  Oh they love the other person but only as a 14 year “child” would.   It is more often than not an infatuation.  

You are now 23 and more mature.  You will love a woman in a very different way because of those facts.  But this does not mean that you are in love with your childhood sweetheart- not at all!

The feelings you believe you have for this lady friend of yours are temporary and unreliable at best.   It is very doubtful that you are going to have to live with them for the rest of your life.   Eventually there will be a woman who will fall head over heels for you and you with her.  But first things first.

Firstly, you have to deal with your divorce and go through all the ugly emotions that come with divorce.  You will make it.

Secondly, you need to deal with these “feelings’ you have towards this married woman.  My best advice to you is to disconnect with her until you have better control over your emotions.  Discuss this with her and explain to her why you must do this and that it will not be indefinite.  If I were you I would stay away from members of the opposite s*x for a period of time until your emotions fall into line with what your head is telling you.  Good luck.  This is a hard time for you but you will come through it.

Answer 8

You have to let life take it's course. If you didn't end up together when you told her how in love with her you were then it wasn't the right time. Let her be happy in her marriage and just be her friend. If you're supposed to be together then it will happen. Maybe you'll end up finding someone who loves you and your son that you feel more for, but don't let the "woulda, coulda, shouldas" affect how you live your life for yours and your son's sake.  

Answer 9

Just be a friend nothing more

Answer 10

She's married and she's happy. Let it be. Love her all you want, but respect her life and her marriage and be happy you have her in your life as a friend.  Seriously, you're in no real shape to know that you want to be with this woman in the first place. She's been a great life preserver in your time of need, and that can confuse things. Don't hurt her by throwing a wrench into her happy life. Things will get weird and you might not even have her friendship anymore. Everything happens for a reason, and if it had been meant to be with her, she wouldn't have been married with a baby right now.  Loving someone means wanting them to be happy. Her husband is a great guy....be happy for her.  Worry about your son right now.

Answer 11

Get your divorce, and make a home for yourself and child. Sad to say, it is not your place to break up a marriage by being selfish with your feelings. Her child deserves both parents and if they are happy, then so be it. You need to stop all contact with her for her sake, her child's sake, your sake and your son's sake. Take care of your own business! I understand that you loved and still love this one person, but focus on the one who needs you the most. Not the answer you were hoping for I would imagine, but anyway......focus on your child...if you need to write that on the blackboard 100 times.