What should I do if the bio parents try to contact my adopted child?

Question

I adopted 2 children from foster care and the adoption was open. I have chosen to have contact with the birth parents as long as they do not try to contact the kids in any way. I will send updates and pictures just between us and no contact with the kids is allowed. I guess I am a sucker for feeling bad for them losing their kids even though it was no fault but their own. Now the birth mother tried sending mail to my/her son for his birthday without my ok. What should I do? Should I cut off all info? Has anyone else adopted a child and had to deal with the birth parents? What did you do? Was it the right choice?

I also let the kids visit their bio grandparents but I have heard that they might not be safe. They are fine for about an hour or 2 and then want to leave. I can tell the kids get on their nerves. Do you think it is better for adopted children to have contact with bio family or should I cut off ties altogether? I NEED HELP!

Answer 1

Perhaps your son's biomom was simply thinking of her son on his birthday.  It does happen.  Think about it from her perspective- sometimes a birthday is all a biomom got with her child, so those in particular are important.  We didn't get any Christmases, 4th of July's, Easters, or whatever.  We did get the birthday.  Perhaps she was trusting that you would make the decision on whether to give him the card, or to not.  She may have been thinking that even if you don't give it to him now, you might in the future.  Please, for both of their sakes, do not EVER cut off contact between them.  In your situation, you may have to limit it, and set some firm ground rules.  It sounds as though the grandparents may need supervised visits- that's entirely your right, as a parent.  But NEVER cut contact off.

**As for your add details, surely you knew that adopting kids from foster care included a good chance that the kids you'd adopt have issues, right?  Well, then deal with the issues.  Don't just sweep them under the rug.  It's the kids' reality, and it needs to be healed, not have the door slammed in their faces.  Then you'll really be facing some issues.  Perhaps the kids need counseling, if they aren't already getting some.  I don't see how counseling as a family could hurt here, either.  As well as parenting counseling for you (and dad?). I actually take their "behaviors" as a sign that they are dealing with their past.  You just need to learn how to help them constructively move through it.  Try some acceptance.  It sounds like they're at the point where they need it.

**You seem to really feel the need to defend your position, and the birthparents positiion.  No one is telling you to let your kids see the birthparents, nor are they telling you that the birthparents are fine.  I am just saying that it's not "all or nothing".  You've shown that at this point, the birthparents aren't ready to see the kids.  But that doesn't mean that that won't change in the future, nor does it mean that you can't decide on limits of contact.  I don't see how a card is harmful.  If you do, that's your right.  But taking it to the extreme of cutting off contact completely is just wrong.   Really, I think you need to take some adoptive parent counseling.  I'm not saying that to be condecending or rude.  I'm saying it because it's important that you learn what your kids need in their particular position.

Answer 2

by law they cant contact them. when they signed the adoption papers, all custoditys were signed over to you. trust me ive been through this a million times. but wouldnt you want to know if you were adopted? just think about what you would want to know if you were in your kids shoes. would you really want to go your whole life not knowing who your parents were? either they will except them into their lifes or not. that is their decision.

Answer 3

Asked the kids how they feel about it. And always make it supervised visits.

Answer 4

You don't say how old the children are, but sounds like you're setting them up for a lot of confusion later on.

First, i'd set very clear ground rules for the bio-parents. If you really mean NO direct contact, make it clear to them that if they try to contact the children again, you'll cut off all information completely and forever. You may need to work thru an adoption lawyer. And, never give out your full names, address or phone number to these people.

I would meet grandparents in a neutral spot and stay with your kids, who's to say they wouldn't take the kids and give them back to the bio parents??

The kids were given up for adoption or taken from the bio parents for a reason, and that reason probably had to do with child safety issues. Be careful, the children you have been entrusted with are precious. Good luck!!

Answer 5

Why should it matter? Do your adopted children seem receptive to her contact? As long as they don't mind her mail (and she isn't a physical threat), I don't see why you should.

Now if the children don't want contact with their birthmother, then that's another issue entirely. But you really want to be cautious with this situation. If you ban all contact with the birth mother, when the children become old enough to grasp the situation they may become resentful of you.

Ultimately the decision doesn't reside with us. It's all about what makes the child happy and keeps them in an emotionally stable state. Therefore, the decision rests on what the child wants, unless the child is too young to make a decision. In which case you decide what you feel is best for the time being, then allow the child to make their own decision when they are old enough.

Answer 6

if the kids are from foster care, aren't there guidelines that should be followed?  are the bios a danger to the children - if so, ZERO contact with the kids and they should be lucky you're sending updates.

if they're not, then work out some kind of SUPERVISED visitation through the agency -- obviously there were issues they were unable to fix prior to the TPR so i would have genuine concerns.

Answer 7

We adopted under almost identical conditions (your description matches ours almost word for word).  We made the decision only to have the communications one-way and not have any physical contact with the bio family.  We send them photos and letters, but without any identifying information to specifically avoid situations like this.  When our kids are older, it will be up to them to see if they want to establish contact.

If I were you...

- Tell the bio mother that you know she sent the letter and that you would prefer all contact be through you.  I would not threaten to cut off all contact unless she ignores that request.    

- Move the visits with the bio grandparents to a neutral location, like a restaurant or a park.  This will allow you to control the environment and perhaps make them more pleasant for all involved.

Answer 8

alrighty. comming from the point of view of someone who was adopted at 2 months... i can tell you this.. your children have every right to get in contact with the birth parents. Let me tell you, and i am not trying to be rude by any means... SOMETIMES, being adopted can really effect a person, sometimes they feel like a part of them is missing, i sure know i did.. If your worry is that they will try to convince your children to leave you to stay with them, i firmly believe you have NOTHING to worry about... I was adopted at 2 months of age and it was a closed adoption... i could not find ANYTHING out until the day of my 18th birthday. my whole life until then was a disaster because i felt so lost in my own skin simply because I didnt know things..

when i finally turned 18...i found my biological mother and we have been in contact ever since.. my adoptive mother is extremely supportive of our relationship, and that makes me feel fantastic.. i think you need to discuss feelings with your children because you keeping them from contacting the biological family is kindof selfish, i am sorry to say.

Good luck with everything and dont worry so much.

PS. I AM SORRY. i re-read this and now noticed the end part. i am very sorry, i think you should do what YOU believe is right. again, many apologies.

Answer 9

Cut off all information, change all the addresses, change the address of your house, or change houses. Live with family member(s). Any other questions? OK! anyways-

Their violent?! Why did you even start feeling bad for them?! really... you shouldn't have done all that, make sure the kids dont see any of their real family anymore, unless its like sister, brother, etc., etc. Anyways- best of luck

Answer 10

I think it would have been wiser to have cut off any communication with the birth parents.  You really opened Pandora's box by allowing the birth parents to have so much information about how the children were doing.  If they had cared so much they wouldn't have been in jeopardy of having their parental rights relinquished by a judge.

You can see what your decision is doing to your children.  They are having great difficulty because they still have access to the birth family (grandparents).

There's a reason the adoption agency (or whomever) did not give your contact information to the birth parents.  You should have listened to them.

At this point, get the kids some professional help and cut the ties to anyone associated with the birth parents.

Answer 11

Wow. Six months ago I would not have answered this way. How time can change things.

If your situation was mine, I would first explain to my son that his first mother had sent him a card, then I would give it to him. It would open up a big can of worms, I'm sure, but that's OK. I now welcome questions my son has about his first family -- I'm not scared anymore. Our situation is different from yours in that my son never lived with his first mother -- he was removed from her care at the hospital after he was born -- so there was no history of violence. You have to do what you feel is truly best for your children. This is not about you and any feelings you may have...it's about the kids. I hope it all works out for the best.

Answer 12

I'm an adoption and foster care social worker.

THERE IS NO WAY IN h**l YOU SHOULD BE IN CONTACT WITH THESE PEOPLE AND NO WAY IN HEAVEN, EARTH, OR h**l YOU SHOULD ALLOW THEM TO HAVE CONTACT WITH YOUR KIDS.

You need to call your adoption worker and have her recheck the termination papers.  Most judges order no contact.

h**l YES!  Cut off all contact.  Make her go through the agency, which is what you should have done.

These people have your home address?  Your worker should be fired for allowing this.

The belief in the industry us that contact with extended family is good for the child.  I personally think it can be, or it can be VERY confusing to the child.

It is nice that you have compassion for the parents, but your job is to protect the children.  They need to be and feel safe and you are opening a door that the law tried to close.

If they want to make contact when the child is 18, then support whatever your child wants to do.

Your worker did a very poor job.  I think you need to get in contact with the agency and have them guide you through terminating this contact that should have ended with the adoption.

EDIT:

I just reread your post...your children's case worker who has experience and their therapist who has experience....told you not to do this and you did it anyway?

You need to start being a parent here......NO CONTACT.

Professionals say this for a REASON, not just to be mean...your job is to protect these kids and you aren't doing it.

Goodness of your heart...sorry for the violent criminals who have hurt these kids....you best decide who's side you are on lady!  I'd hope it was your children's.

That said, I do work with inmates because I believe all people are capable of change and growth, all people are valuable...but at the possible expense of a child...NEVER

Answer 13

i think in most cases it's good to have contact with as many bio family members as possible.

that said i do believe there are instances where the child is better emotionally and physically not to have contact.

without more specifics as to why the children were put into foster care and why they don't like spending time with their bio grandparents i cannot give you an honest opinion to your specific situation.

in general though i think contact with the bio family is a very good thing for children that have been adopted.  but it is not true in every case.

i would say that maybe supervised visits with the grandparents might be in order.  i would check with the children's therapist to see what could be causing their behavior after visiting with the grandparents.  as for the bio parents i say no contact.  obviously they are a danger to those children.  i would keep the b-day cards for when the children are older and can better process what has happened to them.  but it sounds as though no contact with the bio parents is what is needed for these children to heal and try to get past what has happened to them the best they can.  and glad they have someone to help guide them like you.

it sounds like you've done way more than should be expected of you.  and if the bio parents can't respect what you are trying to do, then at some point cutting off all contact might be what's in the best interest of those children.

you need to let your case worker know you've allowed contact from the bio parents.  if they are violent it could come to a point where it's dangerous for them to have your home address.  that would worry me to no end if there is reported violence to begin with.

Answer 14

Okay, sounds like your situation is stressful. Check with your adoption agency to see if they have the rights to contact the child (which I doubt they do, but double check anyways). Second, how old are your children at this point? That makes a lot of difference. I am 22 almost 23, I was adopted. Mine, thank God, was a closed adoption. I have found out over the years what they are like, and I don't want anything to do with them. My natural family would see me in the store and follow me around, and try to talk to me. I had to threaten them so they would stop, because of it being closed. When I turned 18, they started again because I was an adult. Just know that your children are lucky to have you, and if you are honestly uncomfortable with all of this, let the biological parents know. Tell them that you do NOT want them contacting the children directly. And if they continue to do so, you will have no chioce but to cut them off completely from their biological's children's lives. Sometimes the hardest thing, is the best thing.

Answer 15

I would give the first mom a break.  She was probably just really missing him on his b-day.

Are the children in counseling?  If so ask their counselor if its okay to tell him that his first mother sent him a b-day card.

Save the card for your child.  Remind the first mother to respect the agreement that at this time its not good for her to direct contact with the children.

I would really try to keep in contact with the first family if you could.  I don't know all the facts and how much your children can handle at the moment.  Sounds like a tough call.  Wishing you all the best.

ETA  If a counselor said no contact, then i would respect that.  I do think the children will appreciate someday that you made the effort to stay in contact with their first family.  I would also suggest some counseling as parents so you have some support and suggestions for parenting your children thru this difficult time.  Good luck.

Answer 16

If the parents have a history of violence and drug use, there is no telling what they could try to do.

Remember this though: No matter how dangerous, crazy and messed up they are, they probably love the kids in some way. that being said-- don't let them anywhere near your kids! In fact, I'd move! You never know what they're capable of. What if today it's a b-day card and next week it's showing up at school to see them? And eventually trying to kidnap the kids? I know they're not good people, but I imagine in their sick minds, they feel like they have a right to be with "their" kids.

Watch out!