What should I do? my husband is reallly letting me down?

Question

my husband is sending porno on his work computer to friends. He has also secretly gambled online in the past. He took on a second job and paid off all the gambling debt himself.

However, I am worried that I am married to an irresponsible boy, instead of a grown man.

We have been married for 14 years and have a twelve year old son. I don't want to end up realizing I wasted my life in five years again or so if something else about him surfaces. However, I have always prided myself on my successful family.

I am reallly upset. We have already been to counseling at our church.

Answer 1

I commend you for seeking counseling, especially holy counseling.

And I don't think all is lost here. He did gamble online, in secret, but he also paid off the debt.

So the idea that actions have consequences is not lost on him.

And if you've been married for 14 years, you must be doing something right.

Your husband needs male influence. Strong men don't gamble and sell porno. As a wife, you need to realize that controlling male behavior begins with other males first.

My guess is his relationship with his father is/was rocky. Or perhaps his friends were all bums and losers.

Here is an idea. Try to get him socially integrated with other strong Christian males. He needs to have a place in the tribe so to speak. Encourage him to get involved in charity work, non-profits, or perhaps a martial art (your son could join him).

When he begins feeling accepted by other men, he'll be ready to be more accepted by you. He'll also have a greater appreciation for morality and ethics (two areas men need other males to help them comprehend). But he needs to see it in other men first. So try to get him together with other men, to accomplish a moral goal.

As your son grows, he's going to be taking more and more moral lessons from his father. Getting them both signed up in something (Boy scounts, Karate, Wrestling, Church, Community, ect.) will give both a sense of accomplishment and will help both develop strong moral fiber.

And, of course, as we all talk better than we walk, bonding your husband and son together will lead your husband down a much straighter, narrower path. We teach in order to learn. Hopefully your husband's lessons increase his awareness of good vs. evil.

Good Luck!

Answer 2

Hi there,

Are you sure you have a 'successful' family??  To me your husband is an idiot Im sorry.  You know it you said it with your own words you are married to an irresponsible boy.  You know what you have to do you said you dont wanna find out more c**p years down the line.  

Listen you sound like an bright person, GET OUT OF THERE.  If you've been to counseling and told him how you feel about this thenlet him know you are dead serious and you are ready to give him an altermatum.  Remember if you do this, you MUST stick to it.  Get the upper hand and do whats best for you and your boy ( ur son not the dad!)

Answer 3

sounds familiar. are you in naples,fl?

Answer 4

Most companies have a STRICT policy about e-mail use. If they catch him, he will get fired.

Try going to a PRO counselor instead of a clergy one--they tend to have far more insight and training.

You haven't mentioned "love" here...I find that pretty significant.

Answer 5

Offer him s*x often.  That's what he's looking for.  You'll cure all of your problems and give him a happy life.  Then you'll go to heaven.

Or just keep avoiding it, and then when natural forces drive him to do bad stuff, you can blame it all on him and your marriage will be ruined.

It's up to you.

Answer 6

you have been through this with him in past, he knows how you feel about it and he is still doing it..... he is not going to change because he doesn't want to.

obviously, counseling at your church didn't work either.  

if you are in a position to separate, i would consider it.  maybe that will give him some time to grow up.  

Answer 7

You have been to counseling at your church but have you actually tried to talk to your husband about your worries? He might realize that he does something that is wrong and stop. Since you have a successful marriage for so many years I'm sure you know the way to make him understand what he does is not healthy and upsets you and makes you feel unsafe.

Good luck

Answer 8

He considers himself a Christian but yet he looks at p**n and gambles online??  Boy, I think he's got character issues, not a maturity problem.  He doesn't seem to think right and wrong applies to him or that looking at p**n is something a Christian WOULDN"T DO!

Your pastor didn't tell him that?????

BUT you both have a 12 year old son, and for HIS SAKE you need to stay together until the boy's up and out.  Then you can do whatever you want.