What should I do to protect child from emotional abuse?

Question

My child does not remember bing molested by dad at 3. It was reported by pediatrician and brought to attention of court, but dropped by me(mom). Now child is 12 and wanting to see dad. Dad only comes around twice/yr at b-day and xmas and gives child everything on the "list" he asks for out of guilt I guess. Other than that child doesn't see dad. Over the yrs he has calls periodically to ask if child is ok but tells the child it is because of mom and her lies that he has chosen not to be a real Dad. Now that child is 12, she wants to see Dad and feels it must be something she has done to make Dad not want her! He called last weekend and told her he hates mom so much for lying on him that he has chosen not to see her! He says it's because of your mom and its all her fault! He made her cry on the phone. She asked him to spend time with her but he said no in spite of her tears. Believe me, I'm ok with no contact because I still don't trust him. What should I tell my child?

Answer 1

No contact.  Not negotiable!

Answer 2

I could not get past the part where you said YOU DROPPED THE CHARGES. You  have got to be kidding me?  If it was reported by your pediatrician, and brought to the court's attention why did you do that?   If your ex is saying these things to your daughter about you,  and you do bring up the fact about the alleged abuse, she may think that you are lying, to keep him away from her. I would talk to your ex about why you feel the way that you do.  Not going through with the complaint 10 years ago, does have a bearing on what happens with  your daughter now. What if those allegations were true= were there other children involved? I will pray that you do the right thing by your daughter- she is a victim here, and not just physically either.

Answer 3

talk to the dad and come to an agreement - either he stops talking all that sh*t about you to her or you'll tell her the real truth. We all make mistakes and i'm no one to judge you but you shouldn't have dropped the charges.

Answer 4

WHY ON EARTH DID YOU DROP THE CHARGES!? How many other Innocent children have been victimized by this monster?! How could you!? How are you going to explain to your baby that you let her molester go free!? WHAT!?

Edit: You need to do the right thing now, mom. Suck it up and take the blame as a mom you are SUPPOSED to suffer for your children. You keep him away from her - she is at risk for a whole h**l of a lot more than emotional abuse. You can also press charges NOW. There is no time limit on charging baby rapers. Then he legally won't be able to get near her or other kids. You have failed your child and who knows how many others with your past actions - make it right.

Answer 5

You should tell your child the truth.  At 12 years old, she is old enough to understand this information.   Her father has opened the subject by accusing you of lies, so it would be appropriat to explain exactly what he is referring to, and provide her with your version of events.   She needs to know what's going on, because people are acting weird around her and obviously keeping something from her.   No matter how bad it is, it feels better when you FINALLY get the feeling that SOMEONE is actually telling you the truth about what is going on.   If no one explains it to her, she will make up something herself, and it may not be healthy.    Besides, she is going to grow up and have a long life ahead of her.  This secret is going to come out someday.   How long do you intend to keep her in the dark?  At what point will you trust her enough to share this important information about herself and her father, with her?

Answer 6

You know ultimately, its your decision. You know your daughter best and understand how she may respond if she knew what he had done to her when she was little.

It's not fair that he blames you and tells your daughter lies, can you not talk to him and tell him to stop?

If it was me, i think i would tell my daughter what happened because i think a 12 year old these days can handle it but you understand your daughter best so only tell her if you know she is mature enough to understand what happened. You don't need to tell her the ins and outs of the story, but I think if she wants to spend time alone with Dad (unsupervised) she needs to understand why she cant - otherwise she could just blame you.

What a sick and vile man. If it was up to me i wouldnt have let him see my child at all after that, but hindsight is 20/20 isnt it?

EDIT: Its awkward because she may turn on you for this but I would keep him away from her even if it did make her hate you. He is a sick, perverted peadophile and should not be allowed anywhere near her. Explain to her you have no reason to lie to her about this & he has every reason to tell her your lieing.

You have every right as her parent to stop her from seeing him, even if it went to court you would win so just stop him from visiting or phoning. Even if she hates you, at least you know she is protected and one day she'll thank you for it.

Answer 7

I am so sorry for the situation you are in. At age 12 she's old enough to understand a lot but it's hard to know what you should share. I urge you to seek counseling for the two of you. It's important she understands that none of this is her fault and that her dad is sick. You have to make sure that the information you share is age appropriate and that you're prepared to deal with any issues that may come up.

For now I'd tell your child that her dad has done some things in the past that were wrong and that he doesn't always tell the truth. Help her understand that it is not her fault or yours that he acts this way. Explain that he's upset about something else and is taking it out on her and it isn't fair. Give your daughter a chance to open up about her feelings and help her feel comfortable talking to you about this.

Both of you do need counseling and the sooner the better. Check with your insurance company about coverage for visits, talk to your daughter's pediatrician about a referral...but whatever you do it's important that a professional is involved here.

EDIT: You also have to cut off all contact with the father and see a family lawyer about what your options are. If he hurt her when she was 3 there is  no telling what he'll do to her now or in the future if given the opportuntiy. He's a predator and cannot be rehabilitated. He is sick and needs help. Your daughter should have absolutely no contact with him whatsoever. Change your phone number, move if you have to and get legal protection for your daugher. You are her mother and if you don't protect her who will? You never should have dropped charges in the first place but you can't change the past. It's your duty to put her best interest first and it involves having nothing to do with her father.