What should I expect when I meet my birth mom for the first time?

Question

What should I expect when I meet my birth mom for the first time?

Answer 1

My daughter meet her birth mom when she was younger, and thank God all went well.  they still keep in touch.  

I will give you the same advice I gave her:

Do not have expectations, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

You are the one with questions, she with answers.  Do not rush her, allow her to offer the informtion she chooses on the first visit.  

When setting up the second meeting ask for an email address and email her all your questions.  Tell her she does not to answer them all at once or even ever.  But, that you would greatly appreciate her considering sharing as much information as possible.

Most important, Begin every conversation wtih Thank You. Thank You for giving me to my Mom.  I have so much respect for you, THANK YOU.

This will take away her greatest fear, that you had a miserable life and she made a great mistake.

Answer 2

erica n (above) is quite on track. i met my birthmother and it was rather odd. we talked on the phone forever, but face to face, we had some akward silence. i think it had to do with we were comparing each other, 'those are my hands' (an actual comment i said to her)

just wing it. she is probably more nervous than you are, remember she is the one that made the decision, you were an innocent and had no voice in the matter.

for me, it was a wonderful experience and i am so glad i did it. she is a great friend to me, yes friend, she will never be 'mom'. and we are both ok with that.

i have 2 brothers, they are younger than my oldest child. she waited a loooong time to have children after me. 19 years to be exact.

dont put too much pressure on the first meeting, it is emotional for both of you, if you arent talking your heads off thats ok. and if you dont have a ton of similar interests thats ok too. better days will come.

please dont go into it thinking all your questions will magically be answered, or that a strong bond will form right then. just roll with the flow. let it come naturally over time.

good luck, i hope it ends up being a great move in your life. it was for me

Answer 3

I meet my dad for the first time when I was 14. My brother and I were raised by my mom, but they split when we were too young to remember him, and we just never saw him after that. It was very strange finally getting to meet him. I was VERY nervous and excited. That first day I meet him was really great b/c I kind of felt complete and like there wasn't this huge part of my life that was a mystery anymore. That day I not only met my dad but my 3 half sisters, half brother, and 3 stepsiblings. So my family pretty much doubled in size! It was pretty weird the first few times I was around them all just b/c I felt kind of out of place. It's weird to have family that are such complete strangers, b/c I'm so close to the rest of my family.

The best advice I could give you is just don't get your expectations up. I don't know what the circumstances are w/ you and your mother, but it's really hard to build a relationship when you've gotten so use to not having them in your life. I've known my dad now for about 6 years, but we're not very close. We hardly ever see each other. It takes a lot of work to make the relationship work but if both of you are willing to try then it can turn out to be great. Good luck!

Answer 4

Be prepared for a well accomplished woman who may have more children that she chose not give up for adoption.  Try to remember that the woman that you are looking at may be a very different person who gave you up a long time ago, just because she might have it together now doesn't mean that she always did.  She probably gave you up out of love.  Also, remember that, to her, you're not meeting for the first time.  You spent nine months in her, and she probably held you after you were born.  For her it is a reunion, not meeting a stranger like it will be for you.  Good luck!

Answer 5

I don't know, but I am adopted also. I've never met mine. I'd love to hear how it goes. I've often thought about looking for mine but have always been unsure of the response I would get from her.

Answer 6

i met my birth mother 8 years ago. i really wished i had had some kind of counselling before we met,as it was a very emotional roller coaster ride. i was really shocked and hurt that even though she had me at 17,she had another baby not long after me!.saying that,she is a nice person,but i found it very difficult to cope with.it is only the last year or so i have come to terms.but i had to know who i was,and where i was from etc.,so i don't regret it. we get along fine now,but it was a long journey!.

Answer 7

Don't have any expectations and you won't be disappointed or expect too much from her.

There is some information posted by adopted adults and men/women who have relinquished children on TAO Forum Network.  They discuss how to handle meeting your biological family and may be able to help guide you to a successful relationship.  Their address is:

The Adoption Oasis

http://www.taoforumnetwork.com

More than anything I encourage you to communicate with women who have relinquished.  Every situation is different and talking with several men or women who have relinquished will give you a broad spectrum of how it went for them, what went right and what went wrong.

Another good site  is:

Birth Mom Buds

http://www.birthmombuds.com

It's a network of women who have relinquished and I find them to be very welcoming of communication from all sides of the adoption triad which includes adopted adults and adoptive parents.

Answer 8

I wish you the very best. I think it would be wise to not have any expectations. Bring Kleenex. In 14.5 years I will recieve a knock on the door from my daughter I placed for adoption.

Answer 9

It will be awkward. Take it slow and easy. She may show you pictures of your birth family. Feel free to ask her why she gave you up. Understand that she was a different person then and did what she did in your best interest not hers. Some people can be very hard on birth parents who give up there children. Its not always as black and white and some would like it to be. It was hard for Moses's mother to give him up but she knew if she kept him, he would die. Some birth parents lose their rights to parent their children. Other birth parents give up there children to have better parents than they feel they can be at the time

Answer 10

peggy. you never know what will happen. just hope for the best. I am sure you both will be nervous and you are practicaly strangers. ask her questions and try to put yourself in her shoes. no one is perfect. God has plans for everyone and I am so glad you do get to meet her. some people are not so lucky. write me back .

[e-mail]

Answer 11

You will both probably cry. She will apologize for giving you up and for not being there for you. Explain to her your feelings about it. But don't expect too much, that's how you could be set up for a big let down. It's a very strange feeling...thinking you should know this person who gave birth to you...but she's a complete stranger. Hope it all goes well for you.

Answer 12

I met my biological mother last year, and she was not what I expected her to be like.  U have to keep an open mind when you go to meet her.  What u picture in ur head most likely will not be what she is like.  My real mom has been married over 5 times and a liar.  I told her to leave me alone, cause all she did was lie to me.  IN your case, I hope everything goes well, and you all get along.  My best wishes to you and God bless.

Answer 13

No one can give you this answer because everyone is so different.  I have only met my birth mother via the phone, never in person.  Keep expectations low and hope for the best.  Try to keep things as light as possible and don't ask any really difficult questions unless she brings up the subject.  

good luck!

Answer 14

It might be a little emotional for her.  Whatever you do, please don't neglect the parents who raised you.

Answer 15

I think that it will be uncomfortable for both of you because she probably had you at a young age and now part of her mite want u back but maybe another part is confused. let me know how it goes. good luc!

Answer 16

I myself am a pregnant woman facing the idea of having to put my first and only daughter up for adoption.  I constantly wonder how she will feel, when she is in your shoes, should I chose this route.  I don't know your mother personally, I have no idea what circumstances lead to her believing that adoption was the right decision.  However, just know that this experience is the most difficult one I have ever been through.  When I think of the idea of putting my daughter up for adoption I can't help but cry cry and cry some more.  I want to be her mommy, her one and only.  I wish I could watch her smile for the first time, roll over, crawl, walk, speak, dance, and grow.  I am constantly faced with the fear that I am just not in the right place right now to provide her with the life that I had always wanted for my kids.  Should I chose to place her for adoption, it would purely be out of love, and in the best interest of her happiness and future.  It's a heartbreaking decision for any birth mom to have to make, so please understand she was probably only coming from a place of love and thinking only of you.  It's really, REALLY difficult, words could not express.  Best of luck, I know this must be hard and scary for you.

Answer 17

lame excuses about why she didn't raise you.

Answer 18

well since i recently also just met my birth mother for the first time. start off by bracing yourself. expect to here lots and lots of excuses of why she did what she did. Expect her to attempt making up for it. And mostly just try to take whatever advice she will give you and just toss it out the window because lets face it she's no role model. Well just try to enjoy meeting ur mommy

Answer 19

a regular person that's probably just as nervous as you and had to make a serious decision in the past.  Like someone else said, don't set your expectations too high, just go into this knowing you'll see a huge part of you face to face and you can know more about your family history, and why she choose the decision she did.  Expect to walk away knowing more about who you are then you did before (although it shouldn't change who you've become).

Answer 20

The only thing you should expect is for her to be just as nervous or more so than you.  

Go into this meeting with an open mind.  I'm sure she'll want to explain why she gave you up for adoption.

Answer 21

Just stay on your toes.

dont expect anything because when you

expect something, it doesn't come out the

way you wanted it to.

you should just act yourself to.

my friend went to meet her birth mother

and she acted all different and her mother

hated that. it was a big mess.

but i wish the best and i hope everything

turns out great.

good luck =)

Answer 22

I wish I could tell you but it depends on what type of person she is and why she gave you up.  I hope your expectations aren't extremely high.  But I hope as well that it is everything you are looking for.