What should I include in a letter to my children's birthmothers?

Question

We've adopted both of our children internationally, and while we do not have direct contact with their birthmothers we do have the oppurtunity to send letters to the adoption agency in hopes that they will get them.

We are unsure what all to include, ofcourse we will tell all about each child's progress, personality things they enjoy, etc, but wonder if there are other things we should include. If you have placed your child for adoption, what would you want to know? Would you feel comfortable responding?Or if you are an adoptive parent and have written such a letter what have you included?

Should we send pictures of mostly just the children, or include ones of our immediate family together too? Also, we know it would be wonderful for our children to recieve a letter from their birthmoms, but don't want to seem pushy and want to respect her privacy.

Any advice you can offer would be greatly appriciated, (but please no mean comments from those who have no real advice to offer)

Answer 1

Im a birth mother and I can tell you it really depends on the person. For me I would have loved to get pictures of the entire family so I could see who was in my childs life. I also would have loved to hear any little details that would give me an idea of how well the child was doing. Little likes and dislikes with little funny stories of what they have been up to. If you would like to have a letter to your adopted children I would ask for one and let them know if they feel uncomfortable with that ..that you understand and wont push about it. For the birth mothers they may have chosen a closed adoption and might not want to even know anything about their children. Its going to be a wait and see for you and just know what is best is what will happen.

Answer 2

im a birthmother and i get pictures but if i could have anything on earth (besides to see or have my child) it would be to get audio or video of my child. in 7 years ive never heard her voice or her laugh. Can you do that?

Answer 3

We have six children that we've adopted (two sibling groups of three each).  We tried to maintain an "open" adoption with one birth family. We've given them our phone number and address. Even invited them to our home. Unfortunately they've never called or asked to come by. To answer your question though, we include pictures of the kids along with our biological son. As mentioned, we've given our address and phone number. You could include notes from the children if they are old enough to remember their parents. In a perfect world the two families would always be in communication. Let me know when you find that world.  LOL  Good luck.

Answer 4

I think I would thank them for giving this child life and let them know what joy they are. I would assure them that their child will be raised to know they were not unwanted or abandoned but rather the birth parent decided they could not be a mom or dad at this time. I would send a picture of the child and perhaps something drawn or written by the child.

Answer 5

I have no actual experience, but I think it would be nice to include the whole family in the pictures.

Are you able to send "keep sakes"?  Hair samples (from the first haircut with the pictures), hand/foot prints, pictures drawn by the kids would all be great.

Answer 6

Pictures of everything and everyone.  A picture is worth a thousand words and I look at the expressions of those in the picture, the background, the toys, the trinkets, the lighting, everything.  So much of a picture is a reflection of the inner being of the people shown.  I can easily tell by the muscle and how they are in a face if that person has had a happy life or a stressed one.  The people who matter to my child that I placed for adoption matter to me.  I want to see them, you know?

As for notes, not only do silly nothings about what their likes and dislikes mean the world, so do things that people don't think of first.  Like how does the child see the world?  My older daughter is a builder of contraptions.  She can spend almost an hour fidgeting with objects to make it do exactly what it should do, and she gets such as satisifaction from completing that contraption.

And yet her younger sister is a destructor.  This one loves the challenge of taking everything apart.  The combination of the two is quite a challenge of watching a contraption last all of six seconds.

Stories like this give a glimpse of a child from a parental eye.  Things one would love to watch over a period of years and will never have had that opportunity.

Also a hand print.  And any little drawing or art would be awesome too.

Just know whatever you send would be awesome.  Also, look at the first question I've ever asked to see the opposite situation answers.  A lot of the advice regarding fear of how it would be received is equally applicable to this situation!

Edit to add:  Everything should also be made in duplicate.  One for the agency to see if it reaches them that way, and one to hold on to in case your family finds them first.  *Always* keep mementos and stuff for reunion in multiple locations because one never knows when and where that contact could happen at, or when disaster will strike the holding location of said items.

Answer 7

Can I ask from where you adopted?  The opportunity for birthparent contact is rare in international adoption.  We adopted our daughter from Taiwan and have this opportunity.  We got to meet her birthparents and they both wrote her a letter.  Our daughter's birthmother requested 4 updates the first year and 1 update per year for the next 16 years after that.  We send those through our agency.  We send lots of pictures and write a couple of pages about how our daughter is doing.  When our daughter is old enough (she's only 18 months now), she can be involved if she wants in what to include and maybe add things like a picture she's drawn for her or a Mother's Day card.

Answer 8

I would think it would be wonderful to send pictures of your family together, it would be nice to include pictures of your children's rooms and that sort of thing too. I think it would give the birth mothers a feeling of peace and comfort to know what wonderful lives the children have. As far as what to write about, I think you have the right idea. Maybe you should keep it somewhat light-hearted, especially at first so it isn't as overwhelming to them. I would just go ahead and ask them in your letter if they would mind writing a letter to the children. There is a chance they may have wanted to do this but weren't sure if it would be welcome. I also want to say that I think what your doing is a really great thing. For your children and for the birth mothers.

Answer 9

In my opinion, it is better not to communicate with the birth parents of your adopted kids. I will not even mention to my adopted kids anything that will confuse their young minds. The adopting parents have no obligation to update the biological parents nor to send them pictures of the children. These kids are legally yours now and from the time the adoption became final, the birth parents have lost their parental rights.

Answer 10

The genetic history of your children is going to be vital health information for your children in the future.  So, you would be wise to ask about the health history of their biological parents and grandparents.  You would be wise to obtain DNA samples of both their father and mother for comparative purposes and for their genetic history.  These samples can be gotten from hair samples, spit, Silvia, blood, s***n and/or skin.  You can label and freeze these samples for future use.  As soon as you take them to the doctor, your doctor is going to be asking for the health history of both biological parents before they treat them.  This is going to occur for the rest of their lives so getting a handle on this vital data will be most useful to them.