What should I say to him to save our relationship?

Question

I know I asked this in another category and I got a really great answer but I am hoping to get a few more.

Sorry for the long story but here goes.

My boyfriend of 8 months and I just moved in together. I have known him for about 6 years; he is best friends with my sisters husband. I am a divorced mother of one. When we were dating and everything was great, he loves my daughter and she loves him. We get along great with each others families as well. He is an only child so very close to both his parents, and my family is military so we traveled a lot and all we had was each other so we are very close as well. After we moved in with him things seem to be going down hill. First it was he was mad at my daughter for getting two drops of pudding on the carpet. He didn't yell at her but every time we get in an argument he brings that up. I don't think it was a big deal because I cleaned it up with resolve, no harm no foul right? Then the chair she sits in at the kitchen table is dirty because she spills (she's barley 4) I cleaned it with resolve as well. I have two cats and we get in arguments about them the most. He doesn't like the fact that they get on the table. I never catch them on the table so I can punish them for it. He says he likes them 60% of the time, just not when they are bad. He calls them stupid all the time and I hate that and have told him so but he still continues. Yesterday we went through tropical storm Fay because we live in Florida. He got mad at me for not asking him before I invited my sister and her two kids to ride it out with us. I know I should have asked but at the time I didn't think about it and didn't think it was a big deal. She lives with my mom and dad and they both had to work so I didn't want her to have to be home alone. He was mad because her kids (2 & 4) are loud and he isn't used to that. We got into a huge argument about that and he said fine I will move in with my parents and you can buy the house. He says he feels he has no say in his own house. I hate that he holds that over my head and I told him that when he did it before. I know its not my house, I moved out of my apartment and spent all my money to move in with him, if we break up I have no where to go and that scares me the most. He knows I cant afford that house on my own, why would he do that? Then while my sister and kids were over, her son and my daughter broke the bi-fold closet doors in her room. He was really mad about that and said that is why he didn't want them over because they are distructive. I told him I would fix the doors (there 20years old anyway) Then when I was in the living room with my sister he was in the doorway to our room giving we this sortof evil look doing the come here finger because he wanted to talk to me. He wanted to know when they were leaving because he wanted a quiet house and basically wanted me to kick them out in the middle of a tropical storm. He thinks it should bother me more when things break or get dirty in the house. I told him it does bother me but they are just kids, clean up after them and move on. Am I wrong in thinking that? I'll admit it if I am I just don't know what to do. I tell her to be careful and watch what she is doing, and she is getting better at it, but I make a mess when I eat sometimes too. He makes me feel like a child, I'm 26 years old and have lived on my own since I was 18, he is the one who just moved out of his parents house at 26. My husband and I broke up right after my daughter was born because he wasn't ready to be a father. I love my boyfriend and want us to work out, but if he mentions in every little argument that its his house, how am I suppose to live with that? All we argue about are stupid little things, what will happen when its something more important? We argue over the cats, my daughters messes, he thinks I should feed her more nutricious meals for dinner instead of pb&j's I don't know what I should do.

Answer 1

Wow sounds like my husband... he hates a mess.. but he doesn't mind kids over or my family over...we all have a great time, but he does tell me when your friends and family leave please make sure to pick up after yourself and your friends because it can get messy. ... which is true, kids are kids and you can't do anything about that.  He does sound alittle too controlling... becareful.  I thought my husband was bad........

Answer 2

Unfortunately, you're seeing his irrational behavior come up to the surface. He's probably had to live under his parents rules for a while and he doesn't know how to live on his own. He is probably quite proud of the fact that he is able to live on his own now, and doesn't want people "messing" up his things. Unfortunately, it's just not real life especially when you have pets and children in the mix. It's obvious that he is not ready to be living with anyone...it takes compromise, consideration, and compassion...none of which it sounds as though he has. Even though you blew all your money on moving in (which you should never do....meaning you should always have a safety net in case of emergencies), I would ask your parents or your sister to move in with them (probably more so your parents). You've gotten yourself into a tight situation, but fortunately, it's something that you can remove yourself from. This doesn't sound like a healthy situation for you or your daughter to be in. As much as you would hate moving back in with someone, you'll be able to get back on your feet and move into your own apartment.  

Answer 3

Sounds like he was not ready for the relationship to go to the next level.  He was a bachelor for a long time and had his independence.  Those are his things and not both of yours.  He is feeling a lot of stress for someone being in his home.  He was just not ready.  What should have happened is the both of you gotten a place together.  He feels he has lost control over his life and he is not pleased.

Move out and take another look at the relationship.  Maybe it is best for you to remain friends.

Answer 4

The red flags are flying and he sounds a bit inmature and spoiled. I know you love him and that may make you a bit blind to things about him you did not see or did not want to see before moving in. Now that thats been done you can't help but see. Thank God he bought the house and you can move out if you have to. Think long and hard about marrying this guy and ask yourself what it is about you that attracted this guy. And for God's sake do not sacrifice all that you are to be all he wants, in the long run you will loose yourself and thats a terrible thing to loose.

Answer 5

I did not have to finish all of the question to know what to say, or what answer to give you.

Even though you shared so many things from the past, and families and friends of friends, that is the past the future is now, and if he is acting this way NOW, then dump him.

Forget the past, yes, I know, they are hard to forget, I do not ever think I will come to grips with mine, but that is a whole nother banana!!!! :-)

Really, if he is shouting, not being nice, calling the kids stupid names, then really, who needs him?? You do not, and neither do your children.

He is not worth it.

Regardless of what you shared in the past.

Answer 6

Hmmm... it sounds like he is largely at fault here, but I also understand his position (being that he isn't used to kids and this is the first time he's lived away from home). Have you tried couples counseling? You should flat out tell him that it isn't "his" house if you are both living there - despite who the h**l pays the bills - and saying other wise is not only hurtful, but detrimental to your relationship. That's not fair for him to pull that on you. Neither is it fair for him to get mad when your 2 yr old makes a mess - especially when you are the one cleaning it up. Honestly, sounds like he's being pretty immature about the whole thing. Is there an extra room in the house that you can set up as his little area? Somewhere you can keep both the kids and the cats out of, so he can have his quiet time? Also, it sounds like maybe you guys need to learn to pick your battles a bit better if you're fighting over petty little things all the time. Like if he's complaining about trivial little things all the time - just let him vent. Don't argue with him about it. I suggest sitting down with him and having a really good, long heart to heart with him. Make a set of house rules you can both agree too (such as, no one comes over without consulting your partner first. etc). Idk. Tough situation, but definately something you guys can work through.  Hope I helped.  

Answer 7

He sounds borderline abusive.  Get out now.

Answer 8

wow!  you didnt know he was this way b4?  Moving in together will push the limites of compromise. At least you didnt get married yet. Sounds like a controling person. However house guest that dont respect my property are not invited back. Really easy to be a good house guest instead of a bad one