What should I say to my 3 year old

Question

My three year old just started saying he hates me. It is not when he is angry but just in calm conversation. He will say, "I love, daddy and grandma, but not you, I hate you." I will say, no, "you love Mommy and Daddy and grandma, and we love James." He will say over and over, no, not mommy. I hate her. My other son who is 19 years old said that he believes that my mother-in-law is telling my son to say this. It is possible, but gosh I would hope not. Even though he is just 3 years old, it still makes me feel bad. Any suggestions. It is hard to ignore it since he mentions it all through the day.

Answer 1

First off . . . so sorry.  Really tough to listen to.  I would ask you 19 year old why he says that, perhaps MIL has said something to him too?

As for that this is calm, that is odd.  Does he use the word hate any other time?  (Does he know what it means?)  If not, then perhaps he is getting confused or looking for a reaction.  Kids will often do anything to get a rise out of an adult.

Answer 2

I would say "No sweetheart, you don't hate me" then I would show him a picture of my mother-in-law and say "This is who you hate".

Once he got it right I'd reward him with a cookie.

Have fun!

Answer 3

I'd try letting him see me cry about it.

Answer 4

I think that he must of heard it somewhere and that's why he says it. The best thing to do is to completely ignore it. When my daughter was his age, she went around calling everyone a b**ch. I tried everything to try and get her to stop. Finally we all ignored her and it stopped. Don't feel bad. He doesn't even know what hate means. He's only 3.

Answer 5

Don't worry mom,

My toddler would tell me this when she could not get her way she would say, "I hate you mommy"

So, what I did was not to react to this (even though, it hurt inside so bad,) and I had about 5 talks with her to let her know that was not a nice thing to say, I told her that when she gets angry to say that she feels upset and I will help her...

After about 5 talks with her she has not said it since, and it has been about 3 months, but she has said I don't like you  when she can't get her what she wants, which was an alternative I gave her, and it sounds much better than I hate you.

If your son sees that he hurt you by saying this, he will keep doing it, you have to show no reaction to his words, but to just kindly give him other alternative words to use; I am upset, i am angry..

I felt so awful when my baby would say this to me, but don't take it personal, you know your baby lives you.

My daughter learned these words from a television show, she told me. So if your son watches t.v. he might have picked it up from there.

You will just need patience, and tough skin and the two of you will get though this.

It's okay mom, plenty of 3 year olds are doing this, you are not alone.

You will be okay

Answer 6

The best thing you can do for your child is to be honest about how you feel.

"I feel really hurt when you say you hate me.  It makes me want to cry and not play with you right now."  Then, sit and look sad or cry, whatever you feel.  Don't interact with him for a few minutes.  If he asks why, tell him, "When someone hates me, I don't want to play with him." Don't argue with him and tell him how he is supposed to feel.

In this way, he will learn how his words affect other people.  

And don't worry, sweetie.  My guess is that he's just testing you to see how the word affects you.  So give him your honest reaction.

All the best.

Answer 7

jeez idk you should ask him who told you to say that or something of the sort. and maybe ask him why do you hate mommy? you could probably find out something about it.

Answer 8

Have you asked him why?  Have you told him how bad that makes you feel?

Answer 9

I think that someone told him to say that! He probably doesn't know what it means she might of told him that it was a nice thing to say! Ask him where he heard that word from.Why would she do such a thing. I would also ask my oldest son why he thought that she would do that?

  

Answer 10

Hearing that word from your childs mouth can be so heartbreaking.  We now have a rule that HATE is a bad word and not to be used in my house and if it is then timeouts will take place until they can explain with better words why they feel that way.  My boys learned it from my nephew who is very rude and says Hate a lot especially to his mom.  

Answer 11

You could try not letting your kid near your mother in law and see if he stops if you believe she is doing it.

One thing you can do to maybe stump your kid and say why do you hate mommy? And see what he says

Another thing you can do is pretend to be really sad after he said it and say (This is just a false name) Jimmy that hurts mommy's feelings... it's not a nice word

Answer 12

When you and your son are alone and he says this ask him why.  Ask him what made him feel like he hates you.  You might also say: Is their someone who makes you feel like you should?  It is common for children this age to tell their mother they hate them.  Your mil could be attempting to exploit your son.   Try to be calm and just hand her a bit more rope........

It is hard to ignore and I'm sorry this is happening.  I'm sure it hurts.  Try not to get too emotional when you deal with this situation so that a big deal is not made of it.  He might forget all about this in a matter of weeks.  

Try telling him that you love him anyway, and always.  Find ways to reinforce your his love for you.  Talk to him more about his interests and play with him as much as possible.  

It sounds like your MIL is trying to alienate you in the worst way.  It might work for a while, but she has made a big mistake bc this strategy will backfire on her.

Do some fact-finding and employ the help of your 19 year old to catch your mil in the act.  Good luck.

Answer 13

You do realize your son doesn't understand what the word hate means, right? Nor does he understand love (Why parents tell children how they feel, I will never understand.) If you want him to use less "hurtful" words then don't teach him such strong words to start with (or keep him off the telly if thats your style of parenting.) But the fact is he doesn't "hate" you per se, he might "dislike" you, but giving him additional attention for saying he hates you is NOT going to resolve the issue.

The Three Yearold Psyche is really too complex to fully comprehend, but I would advice doing what any good parent would have done in the first place. Ask your son WHY he hates you (don't try padding it with words like "feel" or "think", be direct and use his wording) and ask him what hate means, ask him what love is... But DON'T correct him, that will only lead to conflict; it is HIS world you know.

Personally, I think he has associated you with some displesantry or is trying to get your attention (and succeeding at it...) but the mother-in-law teaching the kid to say that? Unlikely, unless she is around enough to be influential in the kids life...

Answer 14

he probably doesn't even know what he is talking about he loves you and if you really think it was your mother in law you should talk to her about this because that is outrageous.

Answer 15

You need to explain exactly what "hate" means and let him know that it is not a nice word, and ask him why he feels that way. Ask him if anyone is saying that to him. And most importantly, tell him how much you love him. Realistically, he probably doesn't even know what the word means, and most likely someone is telling him to say/think that.

Answer 16

I wouldn't take to serious at this age i doubt that a 3 yr old really understands the word hate although i am like the other son i believe someone is teaching this baby to say this or he is hearing the word hate from some where but just love him as he gets older he will understand that he doesn't hate you and stop saying it just hang in there until you know more and he is older.