What should I think of my boyfriend?

Question

My boyfriend was accused by his ex to be abusive, she didn't reported him but told all his friends and now they don't speak to him anymore. He told me that, and he was upset. Before this story he used to tell me what a liar she always has been so I believed him.

But now I have doubts, he enjoys dominating diminishing woman in bed and is sometimes a bit too brutal (also inbed) ; he also loves porns where the woman is treated tough: insulted, tied up, under the power of the man crying etc...

Then there's this Taken in hand relationship he insists he wants. He wants to be in charge and discipline me if ever I misbehave (if I disrespect him or disobey him for instance) He proposes sexual ways to discipline me like spankings and rape...But he insists that I have to agree in such a relation or it's no use (but he wouldn't stay with me if I can't provide this so it's either take it or leave it)

We talk a great deal and he always stresses out how male are different from women and how women are more emtional etc...I know they are different but he never talks about how men are,it's always about what faults he thinks women naturally have. Recently he told me he didn't respect many women.

I believe his past experiences made him bitter about women (liar exgirlfriend, cheating exgirlfriend etc..) His mother was also VERY strict and he never bonded much with her. (I don't mean to play the shrink but I think that it could explain some things)

I don't know what to think of all this but I'm very worried that he could become abusive with time.

He seems quite bitter and lone but he's always been sweet to me very gentleman-like and he's open to talk and listens a lot. When he told me about his ex I asked him if he was violent and he sweared the only time he hit a woman, she was 3 times his weight, he was a teen and she had her two hands tied around his neck (self defense then) He said he would never hit a woman. I do tell him that I have those worries but his answers never satisfy me I don't know what to think.

So people, what should I think? Is there a profile of abusive men? Am I just crazy to have those concerns?

If people having a taken in hand relationship would mind to give their opinion on this one...I'm not really into this but your opinion would be really interesting.

Answer 1

i'd say your concerns aren't coming out of no where so its definitely something worth looking into. is there any chance you can talk to his ex about her experience? get her side and see if some of the things she says to you sounds like it could be true? there is a saying in life that i've always found true...how you are in bed is how you are in life. if he's demeaning in any kind of way in bed then he feels that he can be like that in life he just hasn't shown it yet. maybe you just haven't been together long enough for him to show it. if he told you about his ex maybe he told you to defend himself in case you heard anything before he said anything and of course he seemed upset, that was probly all an act. honestly though, if all his friends aren't speaking to him, something serious had to have happened. people don't just give up on firends for no reason. i think before you get too caught up you should talk to as many people as you can about it that might know anything, gather all the facts and then make your decision before its too late. good luck!

Answer 2

A relationship is based on love, not one to dominate over the other and making 'deals'.  If it was me I'd tell him to take a hike and go get counciling. Don't stay with him either thinking your going to change him.  Life is hard enough.  I would vote that his ex is probably right.