What should adoptees call their AP's?

Question

This is something that I've been thinking about for quite awhile. When a child's parents die and are sent to live with relatives, those children don't start calling Auntie "Mom". The child already has a mom. Auntie doesn't become Mom just because Mom passed away.

We are adopting through foster care, so even though it's a different situation, it's kind of along the same lines. The kids need homes, and we're not exactly extended family, but we become family via adoption.

I should explain that we are submitting our homestudy for younger children (4 and under).

Please don't laugh. This is a serious matter for some. These kids already have parents. Some of them are old enough to understand that they already have parents. We just put in our homestudy for a child who has been in and out of biological family's care 4 times. This child won't come into our home and say, "hey there, Mom and Dad, how's it going?"

All perspectives are welcome. Thank you!

Answer 1

I would think that if they are old enough and already have parents that they call mom and dad, it would be maybe confusing and/or disrespectful to take that name immediately.  Even if the child was taken away from them for abuse or neglect, they still have the relationship with them.

I kind of like the suggestion of Mommy _____, (insert first name) and Daddy____, or some variation of that.  Then they can drop the first name if they want as they get more comfortable with you and know that you going to be there for them for a lifetime.  

I don't know, it's a difficult situation.  I don't think Aunt and Uncle is a good idea, that would just be weird.  But I definitely agree that the child should be allowed to choose what they're comfortable with.

ETA:  I agree with jgf5822, too!  ;o)

Answer 2

I know several families that involve familial adoption.  For a child 4 and under, it was not a problem for the child to refer to the new a-parents as Mom and Dad. Occasionally, acknowledge that they had a previous mom and dad.  For a child over 5, ASK the child how they feel.  Once adopted, technically they are your son or daughter, not your niece or the child of your cousin, so you just have to be a little creative.  For instance, corny as it sounds, maybe Ma and Pa or Pop work.

Answer 3

Our daughter was 11, extremely mature, and opposed to being adopted.  She met us and liked us.  She called us by our first names for about three days.  Then it was mom and dad.  That lasted for about a week at most.  Now it has been Mommy and Daddy ever since.  She thinks of us as her Mommy and Daddy and is thrilled to have parents that care for her and treasure her.

We were clear that we wanted to be Mommy and Daddy and not some kindly folks takin' kids in who had nowhere to go.  We picked her to be our daughter and wanted a daughter. She felt comforted and safe by that.  It helped her know that we were in charge and taking the responsibility of being the parents in ways her birthparents were not ever able to.

Answer 4

werfw

Answer 5

I would be honest

"Although we are not your natural parents, we will love you as one of our own.  I will not make you call me Mom or Dad.  You decide on your own when you wish to call us that.  If you never do, that is OK too because we will work together no matter what.

You may call me Miss Sara and you may call my husband Mr Jim."

This way, you still are given the address as the adult status who makes the decisions but not so formally that your not approachable by using you last names it it place.  to use first names only may accidentally take away your status as the adult because then the use of first name implies equality, which parents are not equal to their children.

I find children on their own, tend to come to calling you by a more endearing name (i.e. Mom Sara or Dad Jim or even as simple as Mom or Dad) as they gain more of a sense of security in your home.

Biological parents are the genetic donor.  I don't mean to seem crass about it as that is not my intent.  However, a PARENT is one who protects a young one, guides them, kisses their boo boos away, and tells them when they are wrong but praises them when they do good.  Pushes their young'en outta the nest to make them fly on their own even when the child may think they are not ready

EDIT ADD

Mr. Blank - I truly hope you don't say that in front of your child.  Also, I hope you eventually stop saying it altogether.  By continuing to say "the other child" it is cementing in your head and others who hear you, the child is separate from you and may never be a part of you.  You may not intend harm with the comment, but it is causing emotional and mental harm to you and your child.

Answer 6

I JUST CALL JESUS, JUNIOR.

EVEN THOUGH HE'S REALLY JOEY'S SON (A SECRET KEPT A LONG TIME), JUNIOR STILL CALLS ME DADDY.

YOU HUMANS JUST KEEP THAT MARY-GOT-KNOCKED-UP-BY-A-CLOUD THEORY GOING. IT HELPS MAINTAIN THE ILLUSION.

Answer 7

offer the choice of calling you mom and dad if they choose

and if they dont they can call you whatever you see fit whether it's an alternative to mom and dad or your first names but dont make them call you misses (insert last name here) or anything like that

Answer 8

I think it really depends on what you plan on calling them. I call my adopted son "the other child". You don't call your cat your son or daughter, do you?

Answer 9

Leave it up to the child. What is important is that the child is comfortable with what they call you. I have not been adopted but have had step fathers. As good as the last one was to me I never called him dad. The one before that i refused to call dad as he would have liked. I was not comfortable calling anyone other than my parents mom or dad. Now my kids friends all call me mom. I have no idea why. My step daughter did until her mother found out and had a fit, but I told her she didn't have to call me that if she wasn't comfortable with it. She was comfortabe with it because that's what everyone else called me. She now calls me by my name and is the only one that does.

Answer 10

My Aunt faced this similar situation when she adopted her grandson when he was seven years old. He always called her Nana. Then suddenly when he was eight he started calling her mommy.

I personally think it should be the child's decision.....and not influenced by the adoptive parents.

I hardly knew my grandfather growing up.......he and my father reconnected shortly after dd was born..... she calls him Pop Pop.   I am STILL uncomfortable saying it......I was never given the choice as what to call him.

Let the children decide.

Answer 11

You've certainly brought up some interesting points but I think there is a distinct difference between adoption due to the death of a parent and placement for other reasons.  The terms "mom and dad" are titles which are use to signify the connection a child has with the adults that care for them on a daily basis.  Therefore it would stand to reason that even in the case with a child being placed with "Auntie" may eventually come to see her as a mom and thus begin to use this term.  I see nothing wrong with this along as dear Auntie were to keep her/him connected to their past so that they know how important she/he was to their parents.  Auntie is not trying to replace mom or dad but is accepting of the child's decision to now refer to her in that manner because that is how she feels towards her.  

This is exactly what my mom did for me.  I was placed as an infant and even though I call her mom and consider her to be my mom, she made me understand it took a lot for my Bmom to place me up for adoption.  Because of this, I learned to develop a health appreciation for her sacrifice and care for her deeply for her decisions.  That however does not mean I call her mom nor would I.  My mom is my mom.  She is the one who was by my side when I was sick.  She was there for my games, my heartaches, my successes and failures.  

When you're talking about placement due to termination of rights of an older child who may remember their parents it is very similar to that of a child living with relatives due to death with one exception.  These parents lost their rights because they didn't protect or care for their children as a parent should.  The children are conflicted by their emotions to love unconditionally but recognize that they weren't treated right and suffer because of this.  



It may seem strange at first for an adoptive parent to refer to themselves as "mom and dad" to an older child but it does establish for the child that you are committed to them and want the connection that a parent and child should have.  Even if you didn't use the terms initially, the child as they become connected will eventually begin to use the terms.  I've seen it many times during my work in the adoption field.  Yes, the child has biological parents.  Yes, they have other family but that doesn't make an adoptive family any less significant that of the biological family.  What's important and what means the most to adoptee's is the connection we have when adults love us unconditionally and treat us as parents should treat their children.  Therefore the terms "mom and dad" are appropriate and I believe should be used when someone else is now filling that role.  

Now I should explain I am answering this question in relationship to the age of the children you are considering on adopting.  I do believe that if the child were much older and with their biological family longer then giving them the choice of what they would like to use is more important.  This can help lesson or eliminate conflicting feelings the child may have about both families.  On one hand they are still going to care for their biological family but on the other hand they want to care for their adoptive family as well.  

However, if has been my experience that even with older kids once they are connected firmly they too more often then not to calling their adoptive parents "mom and dad".  

When approaching a child who's been with their family, I would start off slow and introduce yourself by your first names.  As you have visits let them know how important that they are to you and how much you have always wanted to be a mom.  Use the terms mom and dad as general references.  Let the child know it's ok to love more than one person and you understand how difficult it is for them, but that you hope someday they will come to love you as much as you love them.  Let them decide what they want to use.  You'll probably be surprised if the child is under 5 how quickly they will come to use those terms once they become comfortable with you.  Just don't make a big deal out of it or they might shy away from it.  Hug them and tell them how much you love them.  Best of luck with your placement.

Answer 12

Lil Mookie and Sha Nay Nay, the two crack babies I adopted after their real "Mom" couldn't afford to buy crack for them any longer call me 'Master Mommy', and we are all happy with this arrangement. They know they now have a mom who can afford their needs.

Answer 13

going in and out of families is hard for a kid. It really takes a toll on a lot of kids being one of them i was living with my now whom i call my mother bacause i have been with her for 5 years i am 14 and still remember my parents but care little about them. I do not know what i would do without my mom it was hard adjusting but I finally realized that this is my mom this may not be the person who brought me into this world but she sure acts like she did she has taken care of me and treats me like her daughter. hope i helped.

Answer 14

Being that they are all under 4 I think that it would be perfectly acceptable to have them call you Mom and Dad.  You can let them choose and go at their own pace if you would like to.  You could call yourself mommy bev, deb, Lori or whatever your name is so their is a distinction between you and their bio family until they get comfortable enough to just call you Mom.  There are a lot of foster parents who have all of their foster kids call them mom and dad even if they don't intend on adopting them.  You are intending on adoption so that makes it even more OK.  

Another way you could do it is have them call you whatever they want until the day it's finalized and then graduate to Mom and Dad.

The thing about when children go to relatives is that their is already an established relationship so they call them what they have always called them.  This is different.

Laura

Answer 15

The social worker introduces us as mom and dad the new forever family.

ETA: do people object to mom and dad or the word forever family.  I like forever family especially for children who have been in foster care for two years and have to say goodbye to their bio parent.  They need to know that the new family is in it for the long haul and that love doesn't equal hurt.

Answer 16

My aunt and uncle have adopted several children through the foster care system. They even adopted an 18 year old! 9 of their 10 children were thru the foster care system, and 1 was adopted as an infant. It's been a long time, but I think they called them by their first names, Scott and Diane. As they got more comfortable, they eventually called them Mom and Dad, which they all do today. Since the kids are so young, there is a good possibility that within a few years, they will hardly remember their biological parents, and that you will be what they associate with "Mom."

You're doing a great thing here. God bless you. Adoption is a beautiful thing!

Answer 17

I call my birth-mom "Momma (Name here)"

Answer 18

I'd suggest that they call you aunt and uncle. That way, it is not like you are replacing their parents completely, but there is still the familial tie.

Answer 19

you seem to be so upfront and honest.  i'd go about it this way.  let them call your by your first names.  if later they choose to call you mom or dad, if you're comfortable with it then allow it.  

yes they already  have a mom and a dad.  and it's very respectful for you to understand that.  i personally view the term mom as one who nurtures, loves and teaches.  i call a couple of my friend's mom's mom.  and i mean total respect by that to them.  

from your previous posts these children will know of their first mom's and dad's.  and i understand you're going to do all you can to keep them in contact or knowledgable about their biological families.  but i don't see where, should they choose later to call you mom and dad it would be a bad thing.

if you have two boys, it's not the first one is son and the 2nd one is referred to as something else.  they are both your sons.  you can be both mom and dad's and even though it means different feelings and emotions to each child, i don't see anything wrong with them calling you that.  i feel differently toward both of my brothers.  but they are still both my brothers.

but again as the child grows and bonds with you and your family i'd start off with first names and then let them decide later should they choose to call you mom or dad.  or maybe it will be "bob and sally" from there on out.   either way you'll be the one currently nurtering, loving and teaching them, and making a positive impact on their lives and that's what's important.

Answer 20

I would suggest referring to each other by first names at first. Or perhaps the child/ren would be comfortable calling you "mommy (first name)". In time they may choose to call you mom and dad. I really think it should be left up to the kids though.

Answer 21

As an adoptive parent, I would have never thought to call ourselves anything but Mommy & Daddy (but our son was 6 months old).  If we were adopting an older child, I would let the child decide.  It's the same with name changing in a way, I guess.  I would let the child decide what they want to do.  Perhaps you will discover that they WANT to call you Mom & Dad because of their situation.  Maybe they will want to start calling you by your first name and then move on to Mom & Dad later.  We had friends who were foster parents to a 3 yr old.  The child called them by their first names for one week and then just started calling them Mommy & Daddy.  My friends never pushed the issue - they just let the child decide.  

Congrats on adopting!  From the contact I've had with you here, you are going to be a great mom!  : )

Answer 22

I agree it would be unfair to an older child to expect them to just come in and start calling strangers mom and dad.  That doesn't mean you can't become mom and dad.  I think what I would do is tell them you are mom and dad and will never leave them, but they can call you perhaps by your first name.  Eventually, after they hear you introduce them to people as your son or daughter and they tell people you are their mom and dad I think they will eventually start calling you that.  So, I guess I would kind of let the kids lead the way on this.  

By the way, I think when children have parents die, they often do call someone else mom or dad.  For example, my grandmother had 2 children with her first husband, who died in WWII, then she married my grandfather.  My uncles were about 3 and 5 at the time.  My grandfather was dad to them.