What should i do? I cant take this any more..?

Question

HI, Good Morning to all of you out there. My relationship with my fiance used to be beautiful and now lately it has been a nightmare. He has been very verbally abusive lately. And he is always always putting me down. All because i went to miami like a few weeks ago and the money i spend was mine not his. I had bought some clothes for school for the kids and a laptop for my daugther to do her school work projects and homework.. This man has been angry with me since this.. And the bank we have we both have joint account, but he has not put no money into that account whatsoever.. Now he is pissed at me for spending lots of money with the kids..But again, like i said he has been very verbally abusive towards me and ordering me to go to work and make up for that money.. I have searched for jobs and i have applied and no body is calling me and he is mad about that too. I just dont know what to do anymore.. I feel soo alone. And all i do is cry all the time no matter what am always crying and always sitting in a corner all day by myself, thinking about this and the more i think the more i cry.. Can someone suggest what have i done so wrong to deserve this.. IN my mind i dont think i did anything wrong. But he says yes i did something majorlly wrong. I just dont know

Answer 1

Well, first of all, you DID do something wrong by not talking with your fiance about money matters, regardless of where the money came from.  If you share a bank account, I am assuming you share a home as well.  You should always give your partner a heads up whenever you plan to spend a larger amount of money than normal.  BUT....that's the only thing you did wrong.  The fact that he's treating you so poorly after you spent this money shows his inability to deal with adult issues on an adult level.  You shouldn't be crying over this idiot.  You should be addressing the issue to him in a mature and direct conversation, first admitting your fault and accepting responsibility for your actions, and then you can go in to what you have been feeling as a result of his behavior towards you.  Don't blame shift or try to get out of your part of it.  But, gently remind him that it's not the end of the world, you didn't kill his mother, and you certainly don't deserve any type of abuse because of money.  If you want this engagement to become a marriage, you will have to stop being afraid of what he might say or do, or how he will treat you if you make a mistake.  That's submission in all it's glory.  And unless you like to submit to other people's expectations, you need to nip this in the bud pronto!  

Answer 2

If he can't understand or respect you, he is probably not worthy of you. You have all the right to spend your money. If spending this money can make him furious then you should reconsider your relationship with him.

Have a serious face to face and explain him the things, if he doesn't understand give him an utlimatum

Answer 3

G'Day mate don't put up with it tell him to p i s s off.If he is going to be like that every time you buy thing that the kid's need,then tell him to leave.If your kids need clothing buy it for them.He is acting like it's all his money .That's y should never have a joined account well not till marriage or an understanding  on both people.If he told you not to spend the money because he need to buy something then understandable,but not to be verbally abusive about it.You have to ask yourself do you want to be in this relationship that what is happening now is going to happen every time you spend money.Maybe he is angry because you didn't consult him with what you were doing.I bet they are not his kid's and he probably thinks they are not his responsibility to look after them,if that's the case I'm sure he new you where a package deal.I think you should evaluate yr relationship with him.cheers mate and i hope it all works out for you

Answer 4

There isn't enough info in this to give an honest opinion, and I don't know you or your fiance, so take this as it comes.

You say you've been looking for a job and can't find one -- not surprising given the current situation with the economy.  If you don't have a job, and you and he have a joint bank account, and he isn't putting money into it, where is the money coming from, and where is he putting his wages?

If the joint account was set up to pay bills and living expenses, I can see why he might be upset if you bought your daughter a laptop and clothes for school without consulting him.  Marriage (on any level) is a partnership, and if you didn't consult with him on this expenditure, and you're not able to contribute anything on an ongoing basis at the moment, he might be worried about how the bills are going to be paid.  It's not about who put the money in the account when you're together in a relationship, it's about making decisions on large expenses together.  Financial surprises are NOT a good thing.

Now, it's entirely possible you've got yourself a dud. Only you know what he's like on a consistent basis.  Is he angry because you did something with your family's limited resources without talking to him first, or is he being a jerk because he had plans for the money that didn't include speaking to you about it? If it's the first, you need to sit down and talk rationally about your financial future.  This is not a comfortable conversation for a lot of people, because so many are really horrible at controlling their own finances.  If this is the case, I suggest you make an appointment with a financial planner -- they're not just for rich people, they're for anyone who struggles to use their money wisely.

If it's the second, I think you already know the answer.  Verbally abusive men do not STOP being verbally abusive because of something you do or don't do.  IF (and I'm stressing the "if") he is truly verbally abusive, you need to do something about your relationship before your children see this and believe that this is the way women are to be treated.