What should i do about my husband's best friend?

Question

my husband(31) of 3 months has a friend from high school A. (also 31) who is always in need of advise about girls. he divorced 2 years ago and is constantly dating someone new. A. is needy and insecure but hs is also obsessed about girls and s*x. He emails my husband listings of girls on-line, websites of hot girls (not p**n) asking him to check it out, and he is constantly talking about girls' attributes with my husband. Another thing is that he likes to have every girl he dates run by my husband. He needs to ask his opinion and over analyze her. My husband often tells him what to do regarding that area. Also, my husband enjoys meeting every one of A. dates and bringing them to our apartment to have dinner with them (all together). He would also volunteer to drive his friend and his dates to places, etc.....I believe that his involvement with this friend's dating life is excessive and I have told him it bothers me. I have told him he should let his friend handle his personal life on his own. Instead my husband has started to lie to me about meeting with his friend A. and even brought A. and his new date for dinner at our apartment once (he cooked) when I was out of town. He then lied about it but I discovered. Big fight. My husband also have told his friend things about us which we had agreed not to tell anybody, such as our plans to marry privately in a civil ceremony and then surprise everybody with an announcement card. My husband told his friend A. and then told me he didn't. Again I found out and we had a big fight.

Fights about his relationship with this friend have increased since I am distrusting my husband at this point. I don't understand why he is so interested and involved in A. dating life. Sometimes I feel he puts A. before me.

I would like him to distance from A. but I feel it is not a good thing to ask. What shoudl I do?

Answer 1

for starters...he needs to respect your feelings.....iunderstand the friend wants approval but having to go with him is excessive....husband needs to grow balls and tell the friend he has a family and "A" needs to go on about his business

Answer 2

Because this could be a conversation that will turn into an arguement with your husband...I think you should write him a letter about how you feel.  This way he will read the whole thing, you will get to say what you need to say, and he won't be able to interrupt you.... I would include the following:

1) Tell your husband you love him and you are happy to be married to him, he is a great guy, etc....

2) Tell him that you respect his friendship with A and that you are NOT trying to take his friends away from him now that you are married (he could be thinking this....)

3) You are feeling hurt because you feel that he values his friendship with A over his marriage with you...give an example of when you felt he chose A over you...You are hurt when he lies about helping A...& that you need your husband to be honest and open with you if your marriage is going to work

4) Say that you feel that it is a little inappropriate for A to be treating him like a personal dating advisor and that the time he spends doing this is excessive.  Say that you really want to understand WHY your husband wants to be so involved in A's dating life...(maybe the fact that A relies so much on the opinion of your husband makes your husband feel super important.)

5) That you would like to do things with A and A's girlfriend, but only when A has a serious girlfriend

6) You really want to talk with your husband about this situation, and both come to a COMPROMISE that works for both of you

7) Thank him for listening/reading what you have to say.

Good Luck

Answer 3

If it is pissing you off about his friend, you need to tell him.  The biggest secret of a successful marriage is if you two can negotiate and agree on an outcome without one of you being pissed about it.  You have to give and take, negotiate, do not ignore the little problems!  

What would be a good comfort level with this friend?  If your husband told his friend to quit bringing up new bimbos he wanted to date with your husband, would you be ok with their friendship then?  Tell your husband this is causing a rift in your marriage, and honestly, little stuff like this BUILDS up in marriage to the point you will hate eachother in 2 years!!!

FYI: You got to let your husband have a friend to vent too, as long as he doesn't just use the friend to rip on the marriage problems.  WOMEN are so hypocritical on this, so many just hang with their friends and rip their husbands to pieces!  

Answer 4

You KNEW these two idiots were friends LONG before you married your husband, and NOW you think you will somehow change him.

You all sound awfully young, to be honest with you.

Answer 5

It sounds as if your husband is getting his ego strokes by his friend always going to him for advice on girls. I agree with you on that his involvement with helping his friend out is excessive and your discomfort on it has now created him to lie to you about it. For some reason your husband is putting his need to have his ego stroked over your feelings. I do not have advice on how you can stop him. He already knows you are not happy about it and instead of him stopping he has gone behind your back. Hopefully he can limit doing this to just social events with all of you having dinner. Otherwise I am afraid you will have to put your foot down and see what happens. Good luck to you!

Answer 6

well it seems to me that your husband is living vicariously though A's life.  granted he shouldn't have lied about it but it is his friend.  yes i agree with you that his friend shouldn't need your hubby's approval on his dates and things like that.  subconsciously A might be showing him what he is missing so to speak being tied down to one girl.  it does happen and he probably isn't realizing that he's doing it.  the worst thing you could do is make him choose between his friend and you.  maybe talk to him and try to have him set some boundaries that are easy to keep and go from there.

Answer 7

Sounds like you are jealous of your husbands friend. Get off of his back and try to be included in the freindship instead of a nag.

Answer 8

There is a difference between helping a friend and living your friends' life.  Your husband misses the single life.  I wants it back but wants you too.  You can not have your cake and eat it too.  Your husband is lying to you about what is going on .  He has already been bringing these women to your house while you are not there.  Next it will be high school A.'s women in your bed.  Keep them away from your man right along with A.  His friend HAS to go.  You might want to make sure he isn't sleeping with those women supposedly coming over for dinner while you are away.  That is disrespectful to you with all the stuff they are doing.

Answer 9

just my 2 cents...

all of us guys do that, esp our single friends... YOU being a woman should already know this about us men. We do it more then you can imagine, so why does it bother you? It's not cheating, it's not fantasy of other women, it's his friend! Get over it!

any of you guys that say you don't are weak and manipulated so easily it's pathetic!

But serilously, if your snoopin to find worng in your loved one ask yourself whats the purpose of you doing that? If you keep going about this it will end up in fight after fight and eventually the realtionship will end.