Question:

What should we do? My boyfriend is stubborn and we have a really bad situation. Very detailed, PLEASE HELP.

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First off, a shortened version of our meeting story. It's important, trust me.

I started off with a boyfriend, I'll call him Stan. We were going out for two years before this happened. I gained a crush on his best friend (it's really complicated. if you need the info, ask) and I hadn't met his friend yet. We started talking about me meeting him and having sort of a one night stand deal--which I didn't want. I wanted to full on date Stan's friend while still dating Stan. Stan and I had plans to get married, but he was my first boyfriend, so I didn't have anyone to compare him to. Stan agreed to let me meet his friend, and skipping all the details, his friend got a major crush on me when we first met. At this point, I was head over heels with--I'll call him John. John and I hit it off really well, but we were both extremely shy, so we had Stan's push to get us started a lot. Stan wasn't aware that John had a crush on me, and he thought that we could just do a one night stand, and continue on with our relationship, and I could just dump John and everything would all end well.

The more time I spent with the both of them, the more I fell in love with John, and the more jealous he got of Stan. After actually having a polyamorous relationship with the two of them for several months, John and I got very comfortable with each other.

Long story short, I dumped Stan because we were having difficulties, (even before John came around) and he was getting worse.

I thought everything between me and John was going to be awesome. However, we started fighting earlier in our relationship than Stan and I did. In fact, we fought while we were a couple of 3. I always had Stan around to sort things out with John though. Now I don't.

Another piece of important information, when I finally broke up with Stan, John was on a trip with his dad, trucking. I didn't ever feel like I actually broke up with Stan, and I let him touch me and sleep with me for a short time while John was gone. It felt like a final act of love, and a goodbye before John came back. I was so confused because John and I were fighting while he was on the trip, and I didn't know what to do.

So when John came back, I didn't tell him that I had slept with Stan until a few days ago. Now he doesn't trust me anymore, but I felt like I had to, because the guilt was killing me. I didn't want to tell him, because I was afraid he'd break up with me, but I realised I never should have told him. It made our whole trust foundation crumble. I have apologised to him many many times, I had no excuse, I was wrong, I'm so sorry.

Now the huge dilemma I'm having is that John is about to turn twenty. He is still living with his parents. They make him unbelievably depressed, they influence him to drink, and they do a wonderful job of making him do what THEY want. They walk ALL over him. I hate to see him so sad, and knowing that every day it only gets worse and there is nothing I can do anymore. He's not happy anymore. I know part of it is because of me telling him what happened. I've asked him what I can do, and he just tells me to stop apologising, that I didn't do anything and he forgives me. I know another part is his family. He puts a HUGE part of his life into them, and he gets NOTHING back except food and a place to live. They make him worry so much and he can never get his life started because of them. His dad calls him useless, worthless, says he doesn't do anything, what has he done with his life, his life is a joke. He hates his dad, and from what I've heard so do I. Everyone in his family suffers because of his dad. He's a psycho who leeches off of everyone and they're all afraid of him.

John is perfectly capable of leaving now. He has a job, and I've invited him to live with me or my friend (no cheating worries here, my best friend is g*y and not attracted to john).

John has stayed with me for a while, and he generally has higher self esteem and more confidence when he's been away from his "family."

He says he wants them to kick him out. I know he deeply wants it when he is himself. He does things to get himself kicked out, and they threaten it. He always gets so worried that they're going to, but he wants it, I know he does. I see the excitement at him getting kicked out.

I help him come up with a plan to get out... we go through it, and he goes back home to confront them.

What happens next?

After ditching the plan and talking with his dearly beloved mommy, his head is all switched up. Now he believes he has no reason to move out (emotional abuse daily, and constant threats and being used.) and that he doesn't have to.

Someone tell me what just happened here? That was rhetorical. I'm pretty sure he just got brainwashed again, like they do to make him do things. He tells me almost nothing about his mom, but he DOES tell me occasionally that his mom and I do the same thing. However, this really tears me up because she ALWAYS gets what she wants. We can throw the same fits, have the same arguments, and she ALWAYS wins. He just gets angry at me, and defensive about his mom. Why does she always automatically win.

John and I have plans to get married, and have kids, but I WILL NOT do it while he is living with his parents or his mother alone. He is old enough to get his life started, and part of it is getting away from the people that hold him back.

I am bi-polar, and my emotions are very hard to control. They seem to control me. After I talk with him about moving out, he starts to feel better, and he says he will go along with my plans. He does not know how to say no to his mom, and he tells me he's afraid to hurt her. I understand, but he cannot live a life without hurting someone.

Another important piece of information: He's Lithuanian. His family is, he was born there. He's lived here for 16 years, however. He uses this as an excuse to say he can't say no.

His family drills things into his head about my country (US) which they know nothing about. In my state or just about anywhere, it is very hard for anyone to get a job without lots of experience. I have connections and helped him get a job as a mechanic. His family makes fun of the fact that he makes $8/hr. They say he should move to Chicago and do this, that...etc.

They should be proud of him, but he says his family is never proud of him or any accomplishments. This is another thing that makes me worry. He lets them walk all over him because he isn't confident in himself. They have ruined his ego, self-esteem. I built it up one day, just to have them tear it down the next. He is VERY stubborn, and will not hear my side of this argument. He only believes HE is right because he has to go through it. I have lots of people including my counselor, friends, family on my side, and they know what he should do. He claims he doesn't care about what anyone else says, and that he's right. I believe that his mother has brainwashed him into thinking that staying in that bad environment is good for some reason. I understand she has empty nest syndrome, but she has to find a way to cope herself. John is an adult, and he needs to get started. He needs to get away from this.

His family constantly makes fun of him for having an American girlfriend, and they tell him it's puppy love, that it won't last forever, he doesn't know what he feels. A person can be talked into believing anything and he is constantly upset about what they say. He's been told he'll forget about me and find a good Lithuanian girl.

With the way things have been going, I am afraid that he's going to get talked into that as well.

they don't believe in him at all, and he constantly does things for them, such as fix their trailer("house") fix their cars constantly (nothing gained, it's never good enough) and run errands for them. He gets nothing back, and insists that no one is making him do anything. I know he's guilt tripped into these things. If he stays at my house long enough, his mother threatens to call the police because she kicked him out on a moments notice and he's still there. She's threatened to kick him out COUNTLESS times, with no result. John just comes home and she throws a temper tantrum.

So with all this, I would like some additional advice.

I have told him that I feel like he loves his mom more than me, he doesn't seem to care. When his mom is around, I wonder what happens to "I want to be with you forever" "I am so scared that I'm going to lose you." (He does say this while sobbing, so I am assuming it's pretty sincere) "I will never find anyone as perfect as you." "You are the only one for me."

I'm quite sure he is the one for me and I know that everything would be absolutely wonderful if he could ESCAPE. But they are guilt tripping, tricking and brainwashing him into thinking he has to stay.

Oh and the last thing I think... Stan won't stop bothering me, and this really bothers John. They are no longer friends, I'm pretty sure. John gets angry that Stan calls me. I can't stop him either, I talked to Stan about him not calling. I'm still not quite over a two year relationship, so I don't want to completely end all communication with Stan, however he makes me feel terrible by talking about his new girlfriend and how well they're getting along. I've asked him a second time to stop calling me, and John won't believe me. He says I lie all the time.

I made a promise last night to not lie to him at all anymore, about anything.

Does John love his mom more than me? How can I help him get out? What can I say to not sound emotional and immature, or selfish? How can we start our plans of having kids within the next two years with him not moving out of his controlling parents? I'm sure there are more questions, but I am flustered, and I can't think of more.

ANY advice you have would be wonderful, because I'm on the verge of giving up. I will do anything not to lose him, but I don't want him living with his mom or dad any longer. He's too old.

Thank you so much for reading.

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  1. You tend to miss the forest because of the trees.

    You seem confused.  On one hand you do not seem to know how to communicate clearly with either Stan or John.  On the other hand, you also do not seem to know what you really want in life (other than a relationship with a guy).

    If you cannot handle one adult relationship, what makes you believe that you can handle two?  Both relationships seem messed up.  The only common factor in both of them is you, and you admit to having communication problems with both guys.

    Do not worry about changing their behavior, concentrate on changing your own.  You are the only one that you can change.  Start by saying what you mean and meaning what you say.  Stop all of the games and excuses and self deceptions.  Bi-polar or not, you allow your emotions to control what you do and you do not take responsibility for your own actions.  I have personal experience with bipolar disorder and even the worst cases are controllable.  If you cannot do this on your own, get help.

    Once you get control over your emotions, then concentrate on relearning to communicate, openly and honestly.  This is the key to adult relationships.

      

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