What should we write in a letter to our son for his adoption file?

Question

I am looking for answers from either adopted persons or from families of origin who have had to write one of these letters. In case our son contacts the lawyer who facilitated his adoption seeking information, we want to place a letter there for him. Besides contact information, what else should be said in this letter?

Answer 1

My child is the same age, I was fed the same koolaid about "open" adoption. I understand. It hurts. My heart goes out to you. I haven't written a letter yet.... I believe they have lied to her about me. Long story.

Maybe, I don't know, you could tell him about the songs you sang to him or the stories you might have read while you were pregnant. Tell him about when he was born and how you felt when you held him. How could anyone not want to know about that? Tell him about whatever time you had with him and what you remember.

Tell him about you. What you like to eat, drink, watch and hobbies. Tell him about brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, nephews, neieces, and grandparents. Maybe he'll see how much you're alike. Finally he will feel like he understands why he's different from the rest of the family and now he has a connection.

I would think all adoptive mother and fathers would want to kiss the ground we walk on and get over being afraid of being displaced. How do they think we feel.... I forgot, we "chose" our situation... shame on any parent that isn't honoring their end of the promise. It amazes me that children can have multiple siblings, extended family, even step parents, but god forbid that the "birth" mother should also have some love to offer. Now we have to feel guilty about it.

I would listen to the adoptees and they probably know best, be careful though, I have found that some people claim things on this site and talk about great "open" adoption situations, and if you look into their profile, they really aren't who they say. Not all people who claim to be adopted are. They just say that because they may be the parent of an adoptive child....

You put whatever you feel. It's simple you loved him and still do.

I don't know, the whole business is messed up.

My very best wishes to you. I just can't stop crying... there's so much pain involved that no one but a woman who has been through this can understand.

((( hug )))

Answer 2

Just seem open, don't ask too pushy questions.  one no-no: "we're sooo excited to meet you!"  that just makes you sound... weird.  just keep it open, with simple comments, to make him feel free to respond, how he wants.  trust me... i am adopted

Answer 3

Just tell him what's in your hearts.

Answer 4

Someone on here can't tell you that.  It should be something that comes from the heart and unscripted.... Don't make drafts and throw them out and don't ask advice...  I would make a video over a letter.  This way, it will be unscripted and from the heart.  Don't edit, just be natural and it will be the most awesome gift you could give him.

Answer 5

Hi there - well, I'm adopted and I think the best thing an adopted child can hear is how much he or she was loved.  Adoption is ultimately one of the most loving, unselfish things a biological mother can do for her child when she knows she cannot give the child a great life.  In the letter, I would stress how much the decision weighed on you, why you made you the decision, and how much it was made out of love for him.  I would also stress how lucky he is to have a wonderful family who has given him all that you weren't able to at that time in your life.  You already know the other big stuff to include.

Answer 6

why you placed him for adoption and how much you loved him is a good way to start.  how you chose his parents     what and where you are now and how happy and excited you would be to see or hear from.  most importantly make ssure you state that decision is his and that you would never want to interfere in his life now o in the reationship he has with his adopted parents. this will make him feel comfortable in seeking you out good luck

Answer 7

Hi, I'm the mother of two children, adopted internationally, and we're in the process right now of writing a similar letter for our sons birthmothers. These letters will also go to a file, and we hope some day they'll go to the agency and read them. I know it's kind of the opposite situation, but know how hard it can be to write such an important letter with no idea what to say, or how it will be recieved.

I'm suprised to hear others tell you not to express your love or true feelings, I think that being too formal might make it seem like it's not something you're comfortable discussing with him.

I know I wish we had more information about our sons birth families to share with them. Little details like where she grew up, what she likes to do, what her life was like when he was born, and is like now. Also details about family members that go beyond basic name, age, occupation, etc.

Also, is there a way for you to include a photo? Several of the adoptees in an adoption panel I attended mentioned that they really wanted to know what their birthmothers (and other family members) looked like. I know this is one thing we wish our kids had.

Good luck, I'm sure it'll be a complicated letter to write, but could be very important for your son.

Answer 8

I'm an adoptive parent to many children and I think it's wrong that no one is telling him that he's adopted until he asks or is 21 but that's just my opinion.

I know that if my kids were to get a letter from one of their biological parents they would want to know whatever information you felt comfortable sharing.  They would want to know whether you were open to the possibility of meeting so they could ask you more questions.  

I agree with whoever said to send a video instead.  That will be ten times harder for you but will go a long way towards conveying your real message.  When reading words on a page a person can attach many meanings to phrases that perhaps the writer did not intend.  That won't happen if they're hearing the words from you and seeing your expression.

Best of luck.

Answer 9

explain the reason for the adoption.

Answer 10

My birth mother and I found each other when I was 29 years old.  We became close for a time and then had a falling out and lost contact for another decade.  thankfully, we are now good friends.

Before I met her, and during our later estrangement, I wanted to know EVERYTHING.  

Things I would have like to know (and thankfully do, now)

* interests

* level of education

* food sensitivities and allergies

* interesting family history (my grandmother's family is descended from Buffalo Bill Cody)

* Musical talents?

* open to a meeting?

* family history of mental illness

* IQ scores if known

There were so many things that I wanted to know.  My time of birth was not listed on my birth certificate.  I will be 40 tomorrow, and I talked to my birthmom today (she is "Mum" and my adoptive mom is "Mom') and I found out that I was born at 3:23 pm and that her labor was only 1 hour 15 minutes.

If your child is interested in who you are, there is NOTHING that he will not be interested in knowing.  

Namaste,

BeBe

Answer 11

The truth is always a good start. Give family details and such think about wat you would want to know in his position. Deffinately speak the truth and listen to your heart and your head.

Answer 12

that you loved him from the moment you knew he was conceived; and because of your love for him and that you wanted him to have a better life than what you could give him - you chose to place him with a loving family that could provide him with a better life and it's opportunities.  That you think of him, and pray for his happiness, daily.

Answer 13

If you just put your contact info, as an isolated datum, your son might feel like contacting you would be intrusive.  So do include a little note like "I am always willing to talk," something simple.

And I agree with everybody else, medical history is a biggie, photos, etc.

Answer 14

Tell him why he was adopted out.  Make sure that you make it clear that he was/is loved by his biological parents.

And you do deserve the kudos you receive.

Answer 15

Medical history, genealogy, and reason for adoption are among the top things that one would like to know (aside from contact information).

Be honest when you explain reasons for adoption.. they need to know that you wanted to provide the best life possible for them.

Good luck and thanks for choosing the right choice :).

Answer 16

The only things l wanted to know from my birth 'mother' were medical history and geneology, as those were the only things my parents couldn't provide me with (except for a rough outline).  Anything else, reason for adoption, etc, is entirely up to you, although l would urge you not to talk about feelings of guilt, how much you still love him, etc etc in an overblown way, because he won't feel that way and you don't want to pressure him or make him feel guilty.  Also, l just noticed from your question, don't refer to him as your son.  However you must feel, many adoptees (myself included), are very touchy about this, and don't want the birth 'mom' to try to be your parent.  Just be as matter of fact as possible, let him know the lines of communication are open if he chooses to seek you out, but that you don't expect anything off him.  After all, it's not his responsibility how he came to be in the family he is in, so he may not really feel that missing "piece" that a few adoptees do.

Answer 17

I think you have all the basics.  I would just caution you not to include your personal adult feelings -- like "I miss you more than life itself."  Or "I miss you everyday and can't wait until were are together again."  Or - "The day you left me was the worst day of my life."  

Why not?  These kinds of deeply sad statements are not the responsibility of the child.   The child did not cause this pain.  The child cannot fix this pain.  Those are your feelings and belong soley to you.  Children often feel so overwhelmed by this kind of traumatic disclosure, that they feel obligated to try and fix things for their birthmother.  Then they often feel guilty about their own birth!  This is not what any mother wants her child to feel.  

So the personal, intimate feelings belong with a counselor, a husband, a close friend, or another birthmother.  Not your child.

Your child needs to hear that you made best decision you could have made.  That you loved him then and love him now.  That you understand that no parents are perfect, but that you hope (or know) that he had a good life with his adoptive parents, who also love him.

For your child to feel good about himself, he needs to hear that you made this decision in good faith, and that you believe it was the best decision you could have made for him.  If you are confident in the decision for his life, he will more likely be confident about his life as well. If you are projecting that you made a horrible decision for him, he may well decide that his life was a horrible decision, too.

That's my two cents!  : )

Answer 18

why you gave him up, how hard it was for you and how you feel about him.  I would also give him address to several family members in case things have changed by the time he gets the letter.

Answer 19

I was adopted, and people always told me how much my birthmother loved me, but I needed to hear it from her.  It never quit feels the same coming from other people.  I wish more than anything I had a picture of her.  I want to know why she put me for adoption.  I want to know my heritage like my great grandparents.  I would like to know what talents run in my family. I would like to know who my biological father was and more about his family.  Also, little questions like what is her favorite color, food, subject in school, hobbies, etc. THE LITTLE QUESTIONS THAT MAY NOT SEEM LIKE MUCH TO OTHERS MATTER A LOT TO ADOPTEES.  These questions could go on forever.  I really hope that you can put a picture in the file as well.

Answer 20

I am adopted and I can tell you what I would have liked if my birth parents had done that for me.

I would like to know the reasons for me being placed for adoption. DON'T say "gave up" for adoption. That sounds WAY too harsh.

Family medical history is so important. I hate not knowing if I have diabetes, cancer, etc. in my family medical history.

I would like to know if I have any siblings. What they look like, what my birthparents look like, etc. Hobbies, interests, talents.

Everything else, let it come from your heart.