What the funniest joke you've heard lately... i need a laugh..PLEASE

Question

What the funniest joke you've heard lately... i need a laugh..PLEASE

Answer 1

A horny husband was helping his wife pick out a password on her email, so he picked p***s. The wife fell out of the chair laughing when the computer said "not long enough".A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.

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His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, '....why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why !'

'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.

'I no rike Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic.'

'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg ...no mattah... all same.'

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While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "What do you do?" "I'm a r****m stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A r****m stretcher? And just what does a r****m stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the h**l do you do with a 6 foot a*****e?" he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket: $95.00 Court Costs: $45.00 The Look on Cop's Face: PRICELESS!!!!

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A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great s*x, she spent the next hour just stroking his p***s, something she seemed to love to do.

Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

She replied, 'Because I really miss mine.'

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A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

Answer 2

At the Mental Institution place, a Mr. Brown, a 67 year old, jumped into the pool even though he couldn't swim. Mrs. Evans, a 62 year old, jumped into the pool to save him. A couple of days after considering the situation, the people in charge decided to send Mrs. Evans back home. They brought her to say goodbye to Mr. Brown in his room. When they opened the door, they found Mr. Brown dead-hanging from his ceiling. Mrs. Evans' caregiver said " O my. Poor Mr. Brown killed himself after all you've done for him." Mrs. Evans replied" No he didn't kill himself, I just HUNG HIM UP TO DRY".

There were three people sent to the electric chair- an American, a British, and a Jamaican. The American went first. Nothing happened, so they told him he could go. The British went next. Again, nothing happened so they told him he could go also. Then the Jamaican went. Nothing happened, but before they told him to go he said "YOU IDIOTS. THE THING IS NOT PLUGGED IN!"

The same three people were in court for a trial - an American, a British, and a Jamaican. The judge said told the American who was up first " If you can correctly spell FARM like in Old McDonald had a farm, you can go home." The American said "F-A-R-M" and went home. The judge said to the British " " If you can correctly spell FARM like in Old McDonald had a farm, you can go home." The British said " That's easy. F-A-R-M" and went home. The judge said to the Jamaican " You can go home if you spell FARM, like in Old McDonald had a farm. The Jamaican said "E-I-E-I-O"

LOL I'm Jamaican

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awfulthat he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong."I feel terrible," ! he explains,"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says,"Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down,and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.The rabbit jumps up waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.Ten feet away the rabbit stops,turns around and waves again,he hops down the road another 10 feet,turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished.He runs over to the woman and demands,"What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so the man can read the label

It says..

"Hair Spray -

Restores life to dead hair,

and adds permanent wave."

Note: I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST BLONDES, SO DON'T BE INSULTED!!!!!!!!!!

11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE

> Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a

>

> helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not

>

> strong enough to carry them all, so they decided

>

> that one had to leave, because otherwise they were

>

> all going to fall. They weren't able to name that

>

> person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

>

> She said that she would voluntarily let go of the

>

> rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up

>

> everything for her husband and kids or for men in

>

> general, and was used to always making sacrifices

>

> with little in return. As soon as she finished her

>

> speech, all the men started clapping.

NOTE: I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST MEN SO DON'T BE INSULTED!!!!!!!!!

After Sally's mom set the animal crackers in a neat pile on the plate, she left Sally at the table to eat and went in the kitchen to get juice. She came back and saw Sally in tears on the table. She said"What's the matter Sally, don't you like your animal crackers?" Sally replied" Mommy, remember we are vegetarians".

NOTE:I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST VEGETARIANS OR LITTLE GIRLS NAMED SALLY, SO DON'T BE INSULTED.

Answer 3

A father comes home with a deer,,his little boy says hey dad what are you making for dinner? The dad says its a suprise,,,The little boy says c'mon dad give me a hint..The dad says Its what mommy calls me!! The little boy ran screaming...

EWWWW we're having f***ing D**K nobody eat!!!

Answer 4

whats the leading cause of child molestation?

s**y children. Lol. terrible i know. still funny.

Answer 5

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 7,8,9, lawl

Answer 6

A girl walks into a bar, and sits next to a guy.

"What are you drinking?" She asks him.

"Magic beer." he replies.

"How's it magic?" She asks, curious.

"Watch this." And he skulled down the rest of it and jumped out of the window, flying around the building 3 times, then landing again.

"Oh my god! That's amazing! Bartender, give me one of what he just had!" said the girl. She drank it all then jumped out of the window and fell to her death.

"You're such an a**hole when you're drunk, Superman." said the Bartender.

Answer 7

we should end our dependence on oil.

Answer 8

Read my last post/question. It is called Newly Weds.