Ok, this is really hard for me to say but I'm just gunna let everything out....
I'm 13 and my life is really screwed up... My mom and dad got divorced when I was 7 after my dad beat my mom to a point of almost death in front of the eyes of me and my brother. I moved to another state to go live with my moms boyfriend and then things didn't workout so we went to move back in with my dad and then her and her boyfriend got back together and my brother wanted to finish highschool before we moved back so my mom agreed to live in with my dad until he finished highschool (which meant 4 years of waiting) since its to expensive for her to get an apartment here and my dad refuses to pay child support. During the process my grandma died which I have nightmares about and my doctor blames me having anerexia at 11 years old for that. I have recovered in a way that I'm at a good weight but I still feel fat and I just hate myself! And I have to go to the doctors every month or so to get weighed and sometimes I fake my weight. My brother went to college last year and my mom said I can finish middle school before we leave (im going in to 8th grade in 4 days) but my dad thinks I'm staying with him and he wants me to go to a private highschool and I don't want to and I know if I live with my mom she will let me go to a public highschool. But I hate how my mom drools over her boyfriend and she makes me eat a lot because she knows I'm not really over my eating disorder. And my dad constantly threatens my moms life saying that he will kill her and then himself, and I'm afraid if she takes me away he'll kill her. And if I don't move with my mom and her boyfriend my mom says shes not gunna leave without me so she'll just stay there even though she can't bare it. I think shes so unhappy shes tried to overdose on sleeping pills and I think if I stay she'll kill herself...They have very frightening arguments all the time and it drives me crazy. If this weren't enough I just finished reading all four Twilight novels by Stephenie Meyer which made me even more depressed because I want someone to love me so bad but I know it will never happen. I have constant dreams of a lover and I know I'm only 13 but I just want someone to love that can love me back.... I know I'm a bad person and I'm not sure if I should kill myself. I don't find anything in life the slightest bit happy and I am just a freakin s***w up in a half. I just don't know what to do with myself, and I don't know how to handle this life. I am NOT looking for sympathy, I'm looking for an answer. Can someone please tell me what to do. This is not something I can put behind me, this is what my life is. Should I runaway? Should I kill myself? If neither those 2 should I just stay with my dad and make my mom suffer or should I go with my mom and possibly make myself an orphan? How do I make this unbearable feeling of hatred toward myself and unhapiness go away? I just really need some help. And I already went to a shrink and I hated it so thats not gunna solve my problems. This is my problem I know but I am asking please for some guidance, any help, please!
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