What think thou of the opening of my poem? thank thou!?

Question

I stand in the cooling seaside breeze

As it gently blows at the grey vast sea

The curling waves rise to make watery hills

And then foaming break, in front of me

Far away in the misty dunes

I hear the calm voice of the sea

And as my ears fill with its tune

the spell of nature overtakes me

All I can see in the bluish haze

Is the dim outline of a horse

And my eyes are bound to gaze

At his un-beastly grace and force

his mane sparkles in the moonless night

While his tail dances all around

My sight is brightened by a silvery light

Hovering gently over the ground

'Delmis!' I cry, for I hear in front of me

That familiar thud of golden hooves

And through narrowed eyelids I can see

The messenger of 'Dreamdom' as It moves

(to be continued…)

1. Delmis is the name of a majestic winged horse, who visits me every night to take me to 'Dreamdom' (a surreal world where I have my dreams).

Answer 1

The line "All I can see in the bluish haze" I really don't think should go there...it sounds....like you tried a wee to hard.

Try

"All I can see in the tint blue haze"

P.S. It's just my opinion, it doesn't mean it's all bad. I love your poem, so strong...full of vocabulary!

Answer 2

Take out "And" and the comma - 1st stanza

  Otherwise a very interesting beginning

here's some from the Bible - re - horses

it seems to always have ref to men in battle or conquering  or The judgment of God

Look! He advances like the clouds,

    his chariots come like a whirlwind,

  his horses are swifter than eagles.

    Woe to us! We are ruined!

  O Jerusalem, wash the evil from your heart and be saved.

    How long will you harbor wicked thoughts?

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"Like dawn spreading across the mountains

    a large and mighty army comes,

  such as never was of old

    nor ever will be in ages to come.

   Before them fire devours,

    behind them a flame blazes.

  Before them the land is like the garden of Eden,

    behind them, a desert waste--

    nothing escapes them.

They have the appearance of horses;

    they gallop along like cavalry.

With a noise like that of chariots

    they leap over the mountaintops,

  like a crackling fire consuming stubble,

    like a mighty army drawn up for battle.

At the sight of them, nations are in anguish;

    every face turns pale.

They charge like warriors;

    they scale walls like soldiers.

  They all march in line,

    not swerving from their course.

They do not jostle each other;

    each marches straight ahead.

  They plunge through defenses

    without breaking ranks.

They rush upon the city;

    they run along the wall.

  They climb into the houses;

    like thieves they enter through the windows.

Before them the earth shakes,

    the sky trembles,

  the sun and moon are darkened,

    and the stars no longer shine.

  The LORD thunders

    at the head of his army;

  his forces are beyond number,

    and mighty are those who obey his command.

  The day of the LORD is great;

    it is dreadful.

    Who can endure it?

  "Even now," declares the LORD,

    "return to me with all your heart,

    with fasting and weeping and mourning."

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Revelation has 4 main horses - here's another ref there -

The horses and riders I saw in my vision looked like this: Their breastplates were fiery red, dark blue, and yellow as sulfur. The heads of the horses resembled the heads of lions, and out of their mouths came fire, smoke and sulfur. 18 A third of mankind was killed by the three plagues of fire, smoke and sulfur that came out of their mouths. 19 The power of the horses was in their mouths and in their tails; for their tails were like snakes, having heads with which they inflict injury.

The rest of mankind that were not killed by these plagues still did not repent of the work of their hands; they did not stop worshiping demons, and idols of gold, silver, bronze, stone and wood--idols that cannot see or hear or walk. 21 Nor did they repent of their murders, their magic arts, their sexual immorality or their thefts.

The armies of heaven were following him, riding on white horses and dressed in fine linen, white and clean. 15 Out of his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations. "He will rule them with an iron scepter." He treads the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God Almighty. 16 On his robe and on his thigh he has this name written:

      KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS.

    REV 19:17 And I saw an angel standing in the sun, who cried in a loud voice to all the birds flying in midair, "Come, gather together for the great supper of God, 18 so that you may eat the flesh of kings, generals, and mighty men, of horses and their riders, and the flesh of all people, free and slave, small and great."

Answer 3

Critique?

Stanza 1: Why is this needed?  Far away in misty dunes, by ocean shore, etc. would be where I would start.

Stanza 2: Rework to include reference to sea and make this the starting stanza

Stanza 3: line 3 forced rhyme. Unbeastly?  poor word choice

Stanza 4:

Mane sparkles in moonlight night

while its tail dances, dances round

my sight  brightened by silvered light

that gently hovers above the ground

Stanza 5: line 1 rework

Line 3: from narrowed eyelids, I see

Line 4: dreamdom messenger as it moves

To attempt a large undertaking like this takes a strong dedication to the craft and much editing.  Even at that I would still sit it down for awhile to revisit.  Also, constantly try to prune needless words.  A poem conveys thoughts and images, the lines do not have to be in sentence form, etc.  Keep at this, but view it as a learning experience.

Answer 4

Interesting, if a bit sentimental. On the other hand, poetry is about risk, and some say if you aren't risking sentimentality, you are risking nothing.

The other issue is the form. A,B,C,A rhyme schemes are hard to pull off without sounding formulaic. Add to this the subject and the word choice and you see a suimple pattern emerge of a beginning poet. If that is the case, you are well on your way. If you've been writing for 20 years, not so good.

My advice is go read. Read people you like, probably Keats and that Dover Beach guy (drawing a blank on his name), then go read some people you probably won't like at first. Ginsberg's "Howl," or Richard Hugo, someone like that. I think you'd really like a poet named James Wright--he is a master of combining sentimental imagery with fresh language. his poem, "A Blessing" is about horses, and might show you what I mean.

Give it a shot anyway. I'm being really honest here--not trying to get you to stop. You obviously have a verbal gift.

Answer 5

Images spectacular...that's what the sea does and sounds like. You are 'showing' the reader your painting. Excellent!

One teensy thing...I was counting syllables...would this work not be better with, maybe, consistent syllabic counts? Like 9-8-9-8, or straight 9's, or 8's....perhaps even have the opening a sonnet, then the rest consistent syllables....dunno.

You are a very good image painter...don't stop for anybody's commentary 'fluff'!

Answer 6

The reader 'd know that U R fund of horses(not just Delmis); and that U appreciate nature w/ which U don't feel lonely .

I sense that its not Ur first time writing , and that U have an eye of a classic painter, with a bit of (acceptable crazy) imagination usually found in architects.

I enjoyed it . easy-to-read 3-dimensional picture, accept for lines 3 of 1st and 2nd stanzas,where U lost a bit of control of the flow ( the balance).

The rhyming was good , it is not enforced. no repetition of words or (sub-pictures) . The state of Man-Animal query and mutual feelings easily demonstrated, which designate talent in  perceiving such images &  promoting them in such 3-d life-picture. Keep on writing, U R there.

Answer 7

I agree with neonman - take out the first verse (don't chuck it away - put it into a note-book and use elsewhere).

The (now) first verse is by far the best.  It reads well, no forced rhymes and it conveys a real sense of isolation in the sand dunes, by the sea.  It has an old-fashioned feel....I wanted to read the last line as "the spell of nature o'ertakes me"

In the second verse - some of the wording gives the game away that you are striving to make certain words appear at the end of the line.....And my eyes are BOUND to gaze...it doesn't ring quite true.

You have made things very difficult for yourself by rhyming alternate lines. The poem would work just as well, if you simply rhymed 2nd and 4th lines e.g

All I can see as I gaze out to sea

Is the dim outline of a horse.

Spellbound I am forced to watch

Its unbeastly grace and force.

One small point - if it is a moonless night, then the mane won't sparkle...unless....your horse produces its own light.

It could be 'moonlit night'

Your poem reminds me of myself when I first began writing poetry....the form that the poem takes becomes more important than the message. You've got lots here to be proud of but you need to relax a little.