What to do, husband thinks about it?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 6 yrs. Known each other for 14 yrs. We are honest with each other.He says there is something wrong if he thinks about wanting to be with someone else. Aren't all men visual - think about s*x all the time? He assured me that he didn't act on it but doesn't feel right that he feels like he does. I look but don't touch- its normal, isn't it?.We have a 2 yr old. I can't believe he's willing to risk it all b/c of this feeling. Any advice, anyone gone through this?

Answer 1

Ask him why he feels that way when he wants to be with someone else....what is it that makes him think that?  Is it the relationship? Is it him? YOu?  

Granted I look and don't touch, but I never want to be with anyone else....i'd think about scenarios of if i ever was with someone else...like we divorced or she died on me or something..but that's just random daydreaming cause i'm bored, and the idea is interesting as I can't fathom any valid reason to leave my near perfect wife.  So his could be random thoughts.

If it was serious it would be he knows someone and they click BETTER than he clicks with you...or someone else is extremely attractive, OR.....his relationship with you is slowly dying.

Only way to find that out is to ask him...if you two are honest with each other then he can be honest about his thoughts....

In the end if his heart his changed then all you can do is communicate and work at it, or let him do the honorable thing and leave....cause would you rather him cheat on you or be honest with you and leave?  You can't demand or control anyone's heart, it only yearns to you because it CHOOSES to.

Answer 2

This is tricky.  It's good that he's talking to you about it...BUT...he could have already acted on it and is "testing the waters" with you to feel out your reaction.  Or, he could just be struggling with the thoughts.  Talk to him more about it, and if it worsens, seek counseling.  

Also, try different things in bed to freshen up the relationship and s*x life.

Answer 3

Maybe you need to find out what he thinks about doing with other women and then do it for him.  Spice up your s*x life

Answer 4

I am going through this with my husband right now.  He started going out to lunch with a woman he works with.  They went out alone three or four times.  He didn't tell me about it.  Then he started fantasizing about her.  He even admitted he thought about something happening to me, like a car accident or something.  I have never felt this hurt in my entire life before.

Your husband is right.  It's one thing to see somebody and think Wow, or to idly fantasize about what it might be like to have s*x with someone other than your spouse (no one specific), but when you start to fixate and daydream about a particular person repeatedly, that is not a good sign at all and it's not OK.

I have found the Marriage Builders web site very helpful in understanding relationship issues.  You could check that out.  Read about the Basic Concepts and then print out the questionnaires and do them together.  You probably are going to find out you are not meeting some of your husband's emotional needs, or are engaging in what they call "love busters."  I know this is the case with us.

The thing I'm still having trouble understanding is this: he says he has been feeling distinctly neglected and unappreciated the last few months.  I know he's right about that.  But it hasn't been anything terrible.  I mean, it's not as if I've abused him or am a drug addict or terrible mother or lied to him or anything.  I just can't believe it only takes a few months of not giving him enough attention for him to be willing to jeopardize nine years of marriage, our kids, our whole life together.  And I feel like I have given him a fair amount of admiration through my words, and yet, it's like her admiration is "worth" more to him than mine.  I mean, we have small children and it's hard!  Life together is not total excitement all the time, especially not when you've been together for a lot of years.  

I don't know how I can ever feel secure again now.  At least your husband told you on his own.  That's good and I think you can work on things if you both want to.  I'm angry that my husband didn't tell me, didn't try to do anything to help make things better between us, and I had to pry it out of him (I was feeling pretty suspicious).  His lack of honesty makes it difficult for me to trust him in the future.  

Now I'm just wondering if I can possibly do enough to keep him happy and interested for the next 30+ years.  And I also feel like what he has done has killed something in me and I don't know how, or if, I can recover it again.

Answer 5

I agree with you -- all people look, but don't act.  I don't necessarily know about thinking of being with someone else, I suppose as a fleeting thought that's pretty normal.  However, to sit and actually daydream and fantasize about being with someone else I don't feel is normal, I feel it's crossing the line.  I don't think that means you should split up your marriage over it, though.

What I do think is that there's possibly more to this story?  I'm not saying that he necessarily acted upon his feelings and lied to you about it -- he's probably being honest.  What I do think is he most likey does not hold the same feelings for you that he used to; or that you hold for him.  He probably feels guilty remaining in this relationship with you, knowing that he doesn't have desire for you like he used to, and that he's fantasizing for others.

I think the best thing you could do to try to save this marriage would be to show him how wonderful a wife and person you really are.  Show him love and affection, show him he's attractive to you and that he's your everything.  Talk to him, and tell him that you love him more than anything and really want this marriage to work.  You did vow your lives to one another, didn't you?  You can get that spark and love back with a little work.  Try buying this book -- it's great and it really showed my husband and I how to be closer together.

Good luck

http://www.shop.com/+-a-Idiots+guide+to+...

Answer 6

It is said that men have sexual impulses, whether conscious or subconscious, every 7 seconds. So do all men think about s*x? Probably; but him sharing these feelings with you could be a sign that he wants to play outside of your marriage, with your consent. You need to discuss this further with him, and find out how serious he is about risking your marriage for these urges he is having.