What to do ? How do I explain something I don't know?

Question

My daugther (7yrs)has being asking questions that I don't know how to answer anymore.We have being separated since I was 4 months pregnant because he was cheating with his now wife. But I never took away his rigths as a father. When she was little I used to called him & ask him to come and pick her up I he wanted, as she grows she is the one always calling him, but he usually doesn't answer bjut still she left messages. 3 weeks ago she called him & left a message wishing if he could buy her an special edition bear of High School Musical, but ever since he haven't called, so she called again last week the same happend. Which I did too because our daugther needs a surgery & he need it to know but still he haven't called or anything I even left a message at his mother's home. This past weekend he went to my mom's & left a present with my little brother (we live only 7minutes from where he lives & my mom lives almost 15min away) SO my daugther was so happy thinking it was the bear,sadly it wasn't it was a backpack she can't even used at school, so she called to thank him anyways but again he didn't answer. I think in her 7yrs she have only stay at her dad's about 17times and others for 4 to 5 hrs.She asked me why he never cared for what she likes or wants, and her little sister always gets everything even going to Disney last year he didn't invite our daugther, because he told him I didn't want her to go,which is not true he didn't even ask me.I was so mad that time becuse of her. Now we are planning our trip to Disney World this coming November. I had try to talk to him about this & I know for him money it is not an obstacle,he can offer more even for child support he just pays $220 per month and I know he earns much more, but I really don't care about $$ all goes to her savings account. But I do care for my daugther I feel bad for her and I don't know what to do. But I don't think it will be good to tell her not to call anymore and maybe he can start looking for her. What should I do? How do I explain something I don't know why is happening all this years. Her surgery is in 2 weeks & he haven't called to ask what is wrong or when, where & at what time it will be. Thank God my hubby has being there for her like a real father for her, but still I think she wants a little love from her "dad". How to comfort her? I hate seeing her being sad because he never answers or look for her, she is a sweet girl & great student too. Advices please!!!

Answer 1

You can't explain it to her.  Just like I can't tell my son why his mommy and daddy didn't follow the rules so that he could live with them again.  You just need to be there for her and let her know that you love her.  When she is older she will understand more...but I wouldn't tell her to stop calling him, she needs to make that decision on her own.

Answer 2

You need to simply explain that you dont know why her dad is like this. Some people arent cut out to be parents. Sounds like this is the case with this man. He has a new family and isnt interested in his old family.  

Answer 3

This situation brings to mind what my child psych professor said today. He's heard things he wishes parents would never say. One was a lady who was excited and bragging that she was going back to school. Her kid heard her saying, "Now that my kid's out of school it's my turn." A parent who sacrificed her dreams to raise her child? That might leave a kid feeling unloved and unwanted. That sounds like this situation. Maybe it's not that he doesn't love your daughter, but over time that's the message she might start believing. Did he want kids? Maybe because he has a new wife and a new wife he wants nothing to do with his old life. The problem is that can really hurt your daughter. It's great that your husband loves her, but it might take a long time to heal the hurt of not having her father in her life. Keep encouraging her and loving her. If you can't answer her questions be honest about that. You can't get inside his mind to know what's going on so you can't really tell your daughter for sure why her father won't return her calls and doesn't get involved in her life. Messy situation. I hope she's strong enough not to be scarred for life.

Answer 4

This is extremely tough.  I know the most important thing is that your daughter is happy.  But if she keeps calling and leaving messages that he never returns, that will make her sad also. It seems that he has replaced you two with his new wife and daughter and only  wants a family with them.  I know you want him to be a part of her life, but you can't force him.  By leaving the backpack at your mom's was his way of letting you know that he did not want to see you two.  It is very sad that he is not mature enough to be a good father to both of his daughters and it is sad that your daughter is the one suffering.  To be honest, I know she is only 7 but they tend to understand more than what we give them credit for. I say keep calling up until her surgery and if after her surgery, he doesn't show up or at least call to see if she is ok. Then you may have to sit her down and explain that you love her very much and as long as God keeps breath in your body, you will always be there for her.  Also tell her that it may be a good idea not to call daddy for a while and give him a chance to call you. If he doesn't come around after a few months, you may have to be blunt with your daughter and tell her that you don't know why daddy doesn't call but tell her she has a wonderful stepfather who is willing to do all the things she wants to do with her daddy.  Never bad mouth her father to her, but just tell her that one day daddy may come around but if not that is his problem because he missed out on a great little girl like her.  Let her form her own opinions about him as she grows older.  Good luck and remember your daughter will need you more than ever once reality sets in that daddy will probably not be there.

Deep down inside, I am hoping that this is not the case, maybe he is going through something and will come around.