What to do? I'd appreciate some advice.?

Question

My husband of 5 years has been increasingly withdrawn over the last couple of months. We had an argument last week and we both left. He's been wishy-washy about "I'm leaving... Leaving won't solve anything." I've talked to him twice in the past week. He says he loves but I just yell at him too much and that he's been unhappy. He never said anything. Looking back, I see I've made a lot of mistakes and have told him so and I've told him I want to work this out and learn to communicate better and get this marriage thing right. He says he loves me, he wants to work it out, that he's broken and needs time. He doesn't know how much time. The last time I spoke to him a few days ago he became agitated, I apologized for calling (he said don't apologize) and hung up. I've decided that I need a couple of months to get my own life back on track and I can't do that if he's here. I wrote him a letter explaining that, telling him how sorry I am for hurting him this way, and that he's got all the time he needs. I want to keep him informed of how we're doing here (he's currently about 300 miles away) so I call his cell phone and leave a message every other day or so about what's been going on, how our son is doing in school, etc. Keeping it light and nonconfrontational. The phone's never on but I know he checks his messages. I also know there's not someone else. I'm not sure if I'm being too pushy by leaving those messages, if I should just not make any attempt to contact him, or if he's appreciating those messages and just doesn't feel up to talking to me in person for fear of being yelled at (which he told me and his brother).

Any help, please.

Answer 1

Your doing right by giving him space and letting you both sort out your stuff.  His fear of you getting angry will subside with the light messages and eventually he will talk to you in person and if that seems to stay light and non confrontational then that will increase.  It sounds like you both love each other, but have lost your way and I know that if you both continue to work on those things you can eventually work on them together.  Keep your chin up and continue to do the things for you so that when he does come back you are a strong and confident person.

Answer 2

Many of the problems you may be facing could be just the tip of the iceberg

on what is really happening in your marriage. I dont mean to scare you but

many problems when they either first show up or if they keep reoccurring

could be just whats showing from a larger problem that either you or your

spouse cannot even see. One of the only things you can do to help is to talk

honestly and openly with each other in the marriage. If things become more

serious more serious options need to be looked at as possibilities. I have a

blog that has more information on some of what I've been writing about. If

you feel like checking it out I would completly suggest it.

http://howtogetmyexback1.blogspot.com/

Love is a choice that is made everyday when you wake up and every night when

you go to sleep. Some days you may not feel the original feeling but love

isnt a feeling or an emotion. Its an action a verb. Falling out of love may

just mean you need to spice things up a little or that you were never in

love in the first place. Don't just get out of a marriage just because you

don't think you like the person anymore.

Answer 3

I've been through this before and I went to go get help on how to deal with issues and not overreact so much. It really helped and it showed him I was serious about changing and improving myself because our relationship was worth it. I would limit the calls to once and week and only talk about the child and how he's doing. Let him have his space. At the end of some messages, tell him that you are there for him if he needs to talk about how he's feeling. Be strong for him and do your best to better yourself. You can do it. Sometimes we don't realize how out of line we are being and how much we are hurting the people we love the most. I totally see where both of you are coming from. My relationship is proof that it can be fixed.  

Answer 4

If what he needs is time, then give it too him. He'll come back to you if he loves you as much as he says he does, especially if you have a son together. And since you know he's not cheating on you then you shouldn't be so worried. Good Luck!

Answer 5

Sounds to me like you guys are still quit young. If you are not able to sit and talk things out your relationship is doomed to begin with. I would suggest marriage counseling if you can't sit and talk but you both want to work things out.

Yelling is never the answer to a marital problem.

Answer 6

Sweetheart I am sorry you are going through something like this, but I really think you need to give him the chance to ring you. I know it is hard but stop leaving him messages and get on with looking after your son and yourself, I am sure that once he realises that you are not on the other end of a phone all the time it may make he realise what he is losing by not talking to you. Lets face it we don't always realise what we have until we see its almost gone. Good luck I hope you sort things out.

Answer 7

If I were he I would want to know how my son was doing.  You should probably ask him if he wants this communication or not.

Answer 8

Try not leaving a message ever day.  If he wants to know about what's going on that bad he will call or text or something.  It sounds to me like you both need time and if you are leaving constant messages he isn't getting time.  Hang in there.