What to do about FIL who is overly dominating my son?

Question

Since the time he was born, my boy has been mistreated by my inlaws. When he was just barely walking I had to leave him with them while I had surgery, & when I returned 12 hours later, they never fed-changed- nor cared for him in any way. when I confronted them, they replied"we did not think that he needed it" Then as he got older, FIL began to grab my sons arms & shake him. Trying to "make him obey or conform" to his way. I saw this first hand at his sisters baptism & I asked him NOT to do this. Again tonight, he did it. He badgered my son & then grabbed his wrist , giving him an Indian burn. Why does this man feel like he has a right to lay his hands upon my children?

Worse, is my husband says nothing, just lets his father do whatever. It angers me so! Today, his mother almost dropped our 6 month old baby girl & he says nothing! NOTHING! Does he not care about the childrens welfare? I am at my wits end..help me someone to make sense of this if you can!

8 minutes ago - 3 days left t

Answer 1

If this is  your question, copied and pasted because no one replied or you didn't get the answer you needed previously (the 8 minutes ago - 3 days left t gave it away), then I feel awfully sorry for you. The bigger problem is, if YOU continue to allow these people contact with your child YOU are knowingly putting him in harms way and can lose both of your children. If this is because your husband insists upon them seeing them (which, from the way you describe your hubby's reaction, he may either fear them or think this is how you are supposed to be raised, esp. since he was probably raised that way himself) I would contact your local child protection agency and have them have a sit-down with your hubby explaining that BOTH of YOU stand to lose your children because of his parents abusive behavior towards them.

Edit:

Thumbs down for facts. I am not making this up nor am I saying she is a bad mother, it's just the facts and they suck at times.

Answer 2

Wow...that sounds incredibly tragic on alot of different levels. I'm no Dr. Phil, but I've learned more than enough by watching people and how they react in situations that would normally seem to have a logical answer. Surprise, surprise - people seem to react in ways that they are conditioned to react in. ....in other words, it's a taught behaviour. An abusive parent will pass on those same values to their child, who will, in most cases, repeat the behaviour because it was deemed acceptable when they were subject to it. It is sad isn't it?

  From what I've read in the repeated incidents, your in-laws have been grossly neglectful of your boy when he was in their care. Their responses have been tantamount to indifference...almost as if to say 'so what? who cares?'(That's what I felt when reading about the changing of clothes/diapers/feeding him). The father-in-law seems to be lacking in relationship skills(re: grabbing the boy harshly and badgering).

  While I do understand your frustration with this because it seems to be never-ending, I would advise a different approach rather than confrontation, which seems to end each battle in a stalemate.  Try this..

Understand the father-in-law's behaviour. It's obviously out of style to do this kind of parenting. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess he was probably abused by his dad as well. I don't mean to slight your husband, but his reaction wasn't exactly one as a stand-up guy. Saying nothing is as good as permission and approval of the actions... You know the saying "Silence= assent."

Take a good look at your own reactions and be honest about your feelings. If you feel you're not being over-reactionary,(hey, who hasn't when it came to their children?)..then have a nice, long sincere talk with the hubby. Be fair about the situation, be firm about your feelings, and be clear that treatment of your children(or anyone else's) is not tolerated in this day and age. Don't try to provoke a war - the end result will have your husband siding with his parents and your son will end up in the crossfire. Being honest and open to your husband will gain an ally and the support you need to show his parents that they need to be more parentally responsible if they wish to enjoy the company of their grandson without your presence..what's your opinion on my advice? I'm curious to know..

Answer 3

I would not leave my children with someone like this, and I don't care who they are! Even if it were MY parents, the answer would be NO. You have the right to say no to them, and I would. I would talk to my husband and ask him why he does nothing about it. Chances are, this is how he was brought up, and this is the reason he see's nothing wrong with it. I would let him know how angry it makes you and I would let the in-laws know that your children will not be coming back until they can prove that they will properly care for them while they are in their care. 12 hours is a long time to go with out food or a diaper change. Some parents have there children removed from them for this type of behavior. Maybe you could bring that up as a point to why you are not allowing your children over to see them, without your supervision. That is pretty much child abuse. Your in a tough situation, but stand your ground, and I would not leave my children with them ever again. Good Luck, hope this helps!

Answer 4

These are your babies - you have no obligation to your in-laws that supercedes your love and committment to your children.  I think you should let your husband know that you don't appreciate the fact that he allows this to happen (by not saying anything) and since he isn't going to deal with them, you are.  First off, make it clear that you will NEVER again leave your children alone with them again in light of their treatment of them i.e. lack of responsibility with medication, diaper changes, etc.  AND, let them know that if you ever see them grab, shake or lay a hand on them (other than a loving hand), they will not see your children at all.   Your husband should know ahead of time what you intend to say and that the **** is about to hit the fan.  If FIL shakes them lightly in front of you, you should be afraid of the shaking when you are not there.  Children die or are brain damaged from this treatment.  Stand up to every last one of them (including your husband) - your children can't, so they need you.

Good luck (and be prepared to be the "bad guy" for a long time).

Answer 5

My in laws are pretty much the same way but I have found out over the years they were the same way with their kids so there for my husband and his brothers see nothing wrong with it.  they turned out ok is all he can say.  I solved it because I never let the kids go down there when they were small without me, on the rare occassions they called and wanted them for the day I always had other plans and eventually they stopped asking.  I didnt refuse so there fore hubby couldnt get upset.  Now that the kids are older I still worry but they are old enough to take care of themselves so I dont worry as much.  The more you argue with your hubby over it the more he will start to resent it and then instead of solving anything you fight.  he loves his kids just as much as you do but as I said he grew up in it and doesnt feel it was all that bad so why worry.   Find a compromise and stick to it.

Answer 6

OK good choice saying no, secondly if you and your husband have a good communication with each other then express your concerns, if he defends them then maybe its not safe to leave kids with him. Sounds like they resent you and to hurt you they are going through the kids my husband is here with me he suggested family counseling i say its a 50/50 chance of helping anything it could help or it could make it worse. I would personally go to some kind of authority if you don't want to take pictures of your kids before they go there (if you let them see them) take pictures of what was sent with them log down the duration of time they were there then when you pick them up take pictures again if you see any bruising especially and if so report it you have evidence now. But if you have that much fear of even letting them see kids report now cause if it is reported and god forbid anything happens to them in there care they cant claim "accident". Take care hope things work out.

Answer 7

Next time they ask if they can see their children or have them over, tell them frankly that no because of their previous behaviour you feel your children are in danger with them and that some of the things they do are abusive and you won't stand for it.

You also need to have a frank discussion with your husband and tell him that when it comes to his children he needs to stand up for their safety and your mental wellbeing.

It's probable that they raised their children that way, never had to deal with an illness and that's probably why your husband never speaks up. If you were shaken and 'indian burned' as a child by your parents as punishment eventually you won't speak against them and you think this behaviour is normal.

For the wellbeing of your children you should limit their exposure to your children and even when you are supervising them, keep your children close at hand and always in your sight.

Answer 8

my STRONGEST advice to you is

never

EVER

have your in-laws around your children

and certainly never leave them unattended with your children

maybe your husband doesn't have the balls to confront them about abuse and neglect (and almost certainly i could say that HE was treated that way as a kid too) then their interests will lie with YOU in NOT having your husbands folks in charge

and if you are in a position where you need childminding help - try and find someone else - even if you have to pay - rather than risk coming home to a dead or injured child.

i think regarding your husband you need to talk to him - and KEEP  talking to him about your concerns about how your children are being treated

i feel for you as with my son we have one set of grandparents who would do anything for him (and do) and have a great track record with children whilst we have another set of grandparents i wouldn't trust with a cat never mind a child (and they never do - my choice)

i am very careful who i leave my son with and who i don't - better safe than sorry at the end of the day as once broken are very hard to fix.