What to do about a friend? Part 2?

Question

Ok for those of you who remember - I wrote a rather lengthy email a week or so ago about my friend ignoring me, not returning phone calls, so on and so forth. Anyway, finally had a chance to get together with her and found out she and her new husband (married about 4 years) are having a major quarrel. I know that married people have those and that it is normal, but I am single so I don't feel that I am really in a position where I can give her advice when she comes to me for it. Today she was crying because her husband wants her to get rid of her cat that she has had since before she even met him. He claims that it is destroying the furniture and bothering his allergies. She came to me looking for all sorts of comforting and advice which I tried my best to come up with some sort of temporary solution...but everything I suggested she shot down. Finally I told her that I guess I can't help her with this and that maybe it would be best to just get rid of the cat. She got sort of angry then...but I'm sorry. If she isn't going to be a little more responsive and open minded to new suggestions instead of shooting them down left and right without even considering them for a moment...then why the heck ask in the first place for the advice? Anyway, now my new problem is trying to get her to understand that I am not mad at her, but that if she is going to ask me for advice then she needs to consider the response for atleast a moment before totally shoots down the idea. Anyone else have this problem with friends? Does it annoy you? How do you get past it?

Answer 1

if your friend is fighting with her husband of 4 years about a cat that has been there the whole time then the fight is not about the cat. stay out of it. your friend just came to you for sympathy and not advice. being a friend is not the same as a adviser...make sure you know the difference....and decide which hat you want to wear.

as for the getting over it part, that is easy don't take her rejection of your advice as a rejection of you. most people who ask advice already know what they are going to do they just want you to agree with them. if the situation is not life threading then just agree or say you don't know and ask them what they think....what they say will give you insight into how they want to handle the problem.  then you can offer something that supports the decision they already made. or you can offer questions about a point in the decision  where you think your friend has not completely thought it through. this way the final decision is hers, and you don't feel rejected. hope this helps.

Answer 2

this is tough, because they should have discussed the cat before they got married.

Your friend shot down all your reasonable answers because she wanted you to tell her that her husband was totally unreasonable. she wanted to hear that he was an unreasonable jerk, and that if he really loved her, the cat wouldn't be an issue. ( which isn't true)  If she could explain this, she would say that she came to you for emotional support, not for solutions. Yeah, i know that is sort of crazy.

but you gave real options, when she didn't want to hear them.

How to get past it?

You learn which friends want advice, and which friends just want agreement and sympathy.