What to do about children at a wedding?

Question

I LOVE children. I have four of my own and a niece that I am raising....my children are all under 8, my niece is 26 and about to get married...invites are out, in fact RSVPs are back...the wedding is over Labor Day.

My cousin is giving me a hard time about bringing her 2 young children to the wedding. First, the invitation was addressed to Mr. and Mrs. ____ the inside envelope was the same (HELLO? No kids)

She, in my opinion, rudely called and asked if she could bring her children. I informed her that children, other than those in the wedding party, were not invited to the wedding....by the way, this is a semi-formal, evening reception.

My children, who are like the bride's siblings are coming to eat under the guidance of a sitter, dance for a bit, and then being taken up to our room with the sitter.

So my mother gets a call from my aunt, that my cousin is VERY hurt that I didn't invite her kids (I didn't invite ANY kids...and my niece most likely couldn't pick her kids out of a crowd!) and would she speak to me about it.

Personally, I think they are being rude for asking and pressing. I would NEVER do this. I did offer to pay for a sitter of their choice, or book another sitter in one of the other guest rooms to care for her children.

Am I wrong here?

Answer 1

You are absolutely entitled to say "no to kids" at the wedding. Your cousin has got to understand this. Are you the two of you close enough for you to give her a call and perhaps say, " Hello, I was just calling because mother had told me I may have hurt your feeling by specifying 'no kids' at the wedding. That was never my intention. We really want you to attend, but unfortunately we are not allowing children. You have great kids, and you know how special they are. So, I hope you aren't offended by this. It is going to be a lovely wedding we really hope you are there."

You have every right to hold your ground on this one. Wedding are quite expensive. No one want the slightest unintended disruption from a child's whispers, or energetic twitches or wiggles. It doesn't mean you don't love children or you cousin's children. You just understand the importance of this special day. You go girl!

So to answer your question, "Am I wrong here?'  ABSOLUTELY NOT

Answer 2

No, you are not wrong. Some people have adults-only weddings. You have taken the correct actions to make your wishes known in a friendly manner. Your cousin is being rude for pushing.

Answer 3

to me someone asking this is like me being invited to a wedding and then saying "oh I know just me and my fiance were invited but can I also bring my 2 best friends and their boyfriends?"  Like if you aren['t invited you aren't invited. Doesn't matter if it's your kids i=or your mailman...they ain't coming!

don't give in, stick to your guns. paying for a sitter is already going above and byeond what you really need to do.  If she doesn't like it she can stay at home with them.

Answer 4

I totally agree that it is up to you. You are being nice to offer a babysitter.

Stick to your choice of adults only.  

Answer 5

I am having an adult reception too and have run into a very similar problem!

Your last paragraph about her being unclear is perfect. It is not rude, but gets the point across tastefully.

Answer 6

Yes, it is rude that they're harrassing you for an invitation for the children, but I have to also say that it is kind of rude of you to exclude everyone else's children except YOURS.  I don't care if they think of your niece as their sister- no children means no children!  If you feel that strongly about excluding children from the wedding, you can't make an exception for your own- even if they're only going to stay for a short time, they'll still be there, and their presence will infuriate the parents of all the other children who were not invited.  The responsible thing to do in this situation is to have the babysitter care for your children in a room or location separate from where the wedding and reception are taking place for the entire night.  Your children will just have to understand that you are trying to put together a child-free wedding, and even though you love them very much, as does your niece, this wedding is no place for kids.  Either that or relent and let your cousin bring her kids too.  Besides, your kids will be bored if they don't have any other children to talk to there.

Answer 7

Very rude of her. Personally, semi-formal and formal evening receptions are no place for kids, because it is boring and they can get disruptive if bored. Make it clear, NO KIDS. If she is insulted by it, oh well, too bad.

Answer 8

No, you're not wrong.  It sometimes rubs people the wrong way when their kids are excluded but other kids are there.  However, that's her problem, not yours.  Especially since your kids are only going to be there with a sitter.

Just very kindly say to your cousin, "I hope you can make it but I understand if you cannot."  That's all you need to say.  Your cousin sounds like a PITA!

Answer 9

At the beginning you said that it's an adults-only wedding, in your explanation you said adults-only reception? Might there be some confusion over which the case is with your cousin?

Of course, even if there is some confusion she is completely out-of-line in trying to dictate your guest list. She might be happier though if you suggested that she come with the kids for the wedding and you understand why she can't make the reception.

Answer 10

We can thank The Wedding Industry for promoting the unmannerly idea that guests have some sort of "right" to bring guests of their own, whether a casual date or their offspring. If a person "is VERY hurt" that some social invitations are for adults only, and not for the entire family, then that person needs to toughen up and deal with it like an adult instead of whining that her (or his) overwhelming sense of entitlement isn't being sufficiently pandered to.

You are absolutely correct that a mannerly person doesn't try to bully or browbeat a host into inviting extra people. You are being more than gracious in offering to absorb the extra costs involved in providing meals, a guest room, and a sitter for these children. A guest's options are to accept or decline, NOT to dictate to hosts what sort of party to give or who to invite.

(The exception to this is engaged or otherwise "committed" couples. For instance, a guest might call and tell you "Did you know that Sabrina and I are expecting a child in January? I understand if it's too late, but could you try to fit her into your guest list?" or even "Thank you for your kind invitation. Did you know that James and I go everywhere as a couple? Will you be inviting him?")

Answer 11

RUDE!  RUDE!! RUDE!!!  Her, not you.  Ok, your mom has spoken to you and your answer is still no.  She needs to get over it.  You can always say that if she's willing to pay $500.00 per child, payable upfront (before the wedding, cash only of course) she can bring them.  Why the $$?  That's to make it worth your while to listen the b*tching others will force you to listen to when they realize she got to bring her kids and they didn't.  LOL

I know you can't really do it but wouldn't it be fun if you could?  Imagine her reaction to it if you did.  

If she choses to stay home and pout then big whoop.  That's one less whinny @ss person you have to deal with.  

Answer 12

If you don't wany any kids present other than those in the bridal party, then stick to your guns.  A lot of parents have a hard time understanding why anyone would possibly want them to leave their brats at home.  It was extremely rude of your cousin to ask in the first place, and even more ridiculous that she is now complaining to your mother about your decision.

Don't give into your cousin unless you are planning to allow everyone's kids to attend.  You are under no obligation to let her bring her kids, but you must stick to your guns.

It also is not your responsiblity to find someone to care for her children.  If she can't get a sitter or can't bear to part with her kids, then she can stay home with them and decline attending the wedding.

Answer 13

No, you're right in this situation, and this woman should NOT be pressing the issue.

We're doing the same, no kids under the age of 13 at our wedding because it's also a semi-formal evening reception, and we didn't want to provide for sitters and such. I was expecting to get more compoainst that we did, but we got really lucky and have had none.

I do know other people, though, that have gotten complaints because of this, and usually, people got over it. Stick to your guns, smile and be polite as possible, and say, "If this is a big concern for you, and as much as we'd love for you to attend, we'd understand if you couldn't make it for that reason." Then she'll probably shape up and realize you're not going to budge and back off. After all, she wouldn't want to be the grumpy guest that throw a hissy fit and stayed home over such a small detail, now would she?

Answer 14

Not at all. Lots of people noadays want a child free wedding. Nothing wrong with that. She needs to respect the brides wishes and get over it

Answer 15

I think they are being rude also. I would not go out of your way to allow it just for them, since this may offend other parents. Since your children are close to the bride and will be leaving, I think its OK to include them. Just let her vent, and explain that it is nothing against her, you are just worried about having to invite all the other children to what the bride wants as an adult night. Keep your calm no matter what, you have the power here and as long as you stay calm and polite she will be the one looking like a jerk in the end. This is not an unreasonable or uncommon request, she does not have to come if she can't find a sitter.

She may bring them anyways, so be prepared since at that point its best to just let it go. Buy some crummy sandwiches for them and talk to the sitter about the potential for more children.

Getting a sitter for her is MORE than generous. She is silly if she thinks that you are rude or mean for not including her kid in child-free wedding where the couple really doesn't know them.

ADD: Like I said, these kids are close to her and can be exempt from the rule. They are in the wedding, will have child care, and won't be there the whole time. Anyone with half a brain should be able to see that siblings (even if not be blood) would be expected at the wedding. Your planned response sounds perfect. I thinkt hat the people that get seriosuly offended by this are a little nutty, and the ones who challenge it are completely rude.

Answer 16

You are not wrong. I personally don't want any kids at my wedding either...although I have 2 kids and my FH has 2 kids all under 6!!! I think your cousin needs to understand the circumstances...and you are being EXTRA wonderful if you book a sitter in a guest room for her kids!!! That's awesome! Stay strong and don't back down! =)

Answer 17

I think it's fair, but I'd still be hurt if my children weren't invited.

I don't like it when children aren't invited to weddings.  I think it's very rude.

Answer 18

No you're not wrong. I'm planning on doing the same thing - no children at the reception - and most of my friends are happy to have an adult night of fun and dancing without the children. Your cousin is being rude, and I think you're being very generous with offering to pay for a sitter. Stick to your guns - and don't forget, it's your day!

Answer 19

Even though you put Mr & Mrs. on the invitation, some people just don't get the hint... I've seen invitations that say 'adult reception' or something along those lines on the invitations.. but since you can't do anything about the invitations at this point, just tell her that it is a adult reception. (and be nice about telling her) You were nice about offering to pay a sitter, and that is the most that you can do on your part. And maybe you should tell your niece to talk to her, after all, it is HER wedding... If she is still being rude, she doesn't have to come to the wedding :/

Answer 20

Absolutely not! In fact, your offer of paying for a sitter was more than generous, and far more than what most people would offer. I would stand firm on the decision. If you or anyone else allows her to bring her kids, and other guests see them there, it may be taken offensively by others because their children were not invited.

Answer 21

I like your plan.  In the beginning you should of stated no children on the invitation to make it clear.  I think you have been generous and hassled enough before your wedding to deal with relatives and strangers that you never see on a daily basis.

Answer 22

Your cousin lacks couth.  Stay by your plans and just say no.  I am sure the cousin knew long in advance about this wedding and had plenty of time to reserve a sitter.  This is just plain inconsiderate and you are being too nice and accommodating.