What to do about discipline...?

Question

...when it's not your child?

My fiancé's niece (8y) has awful manners--no pleases, thanks you, excuse me--she whines quite often whenever something does not go her way, and when something does not go her way and whining doesn't do the trick, she gives up on it immediately. She has really poor self-esteem.

The problem is, her mother--a single mom--tends to not teach my niece-to-be things before it gets too late (ex. she was potty trained at 4 and a half, and still has accidents from time to time). She then gets frustrated when her daughter doesn't learn things quickly, and blames her, getting pretty angry with her, which doesn't do much for the self-esteem issue.

On some levels, I feel bad for my niece-to-be, but I also get frustrated with her quite often because she lacks really simple skills (etiquette manners, confidence, etc) that I feel she's not going to learn anytime soon from her own mother.

This isn't really my responsibility, but how do I deal with it anyway?

Answer 1

It's not really your place, but like others said, role model, kids imitate what they see.  When she is with you tell her there are certain things that are expected at your house, please thank you, etc.  I do this w/ my god daughter.  She is out of control at her house, whining, screaming,etc.  But she knows when she is at my house for the day I do not put up w/ it and she keeps it to a min.  Most of all I always treat her as though she wasn't anything other  than a beautiful young girl.  Children especially those w/ low self confidence need to be reassured.  Try doing things w/ her and showing her how to do things and how to conduct herself, be patient.

Answer 2

When your fiancé's niece stays with you, show her that you love her, first of all. She will appreciate that because it seems that she doesn't get too much love from her mom. Then you can tell her quietly "Please say 'Thank you', this is how we do it in our home" and repeat this as needed. I'm sure she will pick it up quickly, because children like rules. You have no guarantee that she will behave better when she's with her mom, but she will soon learn to meet your expectations when she stays at your home and feels welcome there.

Answer 3

You don't.........it isn't your place and you are likely going to cause alot of problems if you try to.  And there isn't anything wrong with a child not being potty trained until they are 4 1/2.........it's a developmental skill and some kids train later than others.......It sounds like the child may actually have a developmental disability..........Is her school concerned?  If they were, they would say something to her mother.

It's fairly typical for an 8 year old to whine when they don't get their way........it's an age thing........And lots of children in this world don't have any etiquette or manners due to their upbringing..........You CAN help with that by reminding her to say please and thank you when she wants or gets something......but that is probably about all you can do.

Answer 4

try and teach her to say thank you and please before you give her something and talk to her mom

Answer 5

just be in control.the child should know its place.the mother if will not allow you to then tell her to do something or leave until she can.that is disgusting and i've seen the same thing .i do not tolerate it and wont take it from parents either.

    this has improved my self esteem.

8 is late .and needs to be taught.

Answer 6

you can only do something about manners when she is dealing with you. If she is after something go back to basics and tell her to say please. When handing something to her don't let go until she says thankyou. She will get the message

Answer 7

are you an aunty yet?

2 be one you have to

have the best interests of the child at heart

gain affection (win the kid over) from the child whist not drawing it away from its parents.

then you need your 'specialty' thing your going to provide

set against your rules

in order to gain b you must first do a.

perhaps for instance if you go round to dinner you could insist on bring dessert. You could make sure the dessert was so scrum, say make it knicker bock-er glory style in special cups with special long spoons and then eat them together whist chatting about why you close you mouth go in from the seductive angle?

if it helps.

whining repeat back in exactly the same tone and force of voice - parrot it back believe me it makes everyone stand up and take notice.

Answer 8

well it sounds like she hasnt had alot of good role models in her life.if i was u i would try to be her role model.i wouldnt really take the disipline role.but if u r around her i would teach her to say please when she ask for something and thank u when she got somthing.but i would be really sweet and kind to her,she will love u and look up to u for it.and most likly she will want to be what u teach her.

Answer 9

Well when shes with you it IS your responsibility.

So when shes there... teach her and make sure she has a level of understanding. Praise her for doing what shes supposed to and yes... discipline when she doesn't. In the end you will get respect and love from the child.

Be understanding that it will take time and effort on both your parts.