What to do about girlfriends child and our future?

Question

I've been dating a very nice woman with a 4 year old child for about a year. In that time I have not said much about her parenting, as I don't feel it is my place. I will give her an honest opinion if asked, but that is very infrequent. Lately I have been thinking that we have no future together, because I could never live in a home with a child who behaves as this one. Don't misunderstand, she is a very warm and bright little girl and I adore her, but her mother doesn't set enough boundaries for her. I believe it could be that she is over-compensating for the loss of the child's father at age 2, but I also believe she is not doing the child any favors by letting her act out or making excuses for her. Now I'm starting to think that I should let her go because I can't see a future the way things are now, and she should look for someone who is more compatible with her way of parenting. I sometimes feel that she is just wasting her time with me, and I owe them better than that. My biggest problem is I don't know how to talk to her about this. I don't want her to think that I think she is a bad parent, or that I know better, but I also know that our relationship can't progress beyond where it is now if things stay the same. I wouldn't even have a problem with that, but I feel that she and her daughter deserve something better even if it hurts in the short term.

Answer 1

Tell her exactly what you feel your perceptions and fears. Let her know that it was hard for you to come out with it, and maybe she will see that you took a lot of thinking into consideration before coming to her..Perhaps you could say that you watched something on Dr. Phil, that reminded you of her daughter, and tell her what they said was a good approach...or even better instead of lying you could find out when I show like that is gonna be on and make some popcorn and ask her to join you.

Answer 2

My brother had the same problem with his wife's daughter. She was about 3 when they started dating. Like you he didn't think it was his place to say anything. But, when things started getting serious he was honest with her about her parenting skills. He had to tell her that if things didn't change he couldn't stay with her. It wasn't easy. It took a long time for the little girl to change but she's a much nicer girl now. I think that if you're just dating this woman and it's not serious then maybe you shouldn't say anything to her, but if you're serious about her then you should say something. It takes alot of sacrifice to be with someone who has a child. Not everyone can handle it.

Answer 3

The number 1 principle in good relationship skills (google it) is:

100% honesty and truthfulness.  It doesn't say: Only if the other can 'handle it' or any other pre-condition - except sharing your Truth with love and respect.

Answer 4

I just read your question and it was so eloquently spoken that I suggest you print it out and give it to her. It's perfectly said.

Answer 5

How could you have much of a future anyway if you can't talk to her about an issue like this one.  The way you worded it here was good and I would say the same to her:

" I don't want her to think that I think she is a bad parent, or that I know better, but I also know that our relationship can't progress beyond where it is now if things stay the same"

Talk to her before just letting her go.

Answer 6

Just tell her exactly what you told us.  They will get over you.  Just don't hang on any longer, it is not fair to the child and it's not fair to her.  Be honest, polite and respectful.  That is all anyone can do when breaking up with someone.

Answer 7

Break up with her...if you have doubts...dont stick with her

Answer 8

Talk to her. Approaching the issue of somebody else's parenting is not an easy task as people get defensive and people get hurt but try to explain to her what you've said here. Let her know that in order for the relationship to progress there are certain things that need addressing. Whether you can go anywhere from here or not is anyone's guess but it sounds like you care enough about them to try. If you really just aren't happy with her however then perhaps it is time to move on. Nobody else can answer this one for you, as nobody knows what's in your heart but either way in the very least she deserves the truth.