What to do about my in-laws?

Question

My wife's sister lives in the same state as me and my wife and in turn tends to be at most of the family functions with her husband. Her husband is unfortunately a failure at most things he's done and is very bitter at the world. If you tell him the sky is blue he would try to argue with you. As for my wife's sister, she is a woman that thinks that she's better than most. Everytime I see the two of them it never fails, at least one of them will say something that is a personal attack. I usually look at my wife to say something but she never does--I just don't want to make a scene in front of the rest f her family. A function came up about a week ago that I refused to go to because the both of them were going to be there and my wife, who I've been asking to talk to them about this problem for quite some time, hasn't dropped the issue since. Just yesterday, she wrote an e-mail to her sister saying that I have a problem with her and her husband and we all need to talk about it. My question is that if this is a problem with her family bullying me shouldn't she be handling this solely?

Answer 1

OUCH .. family ... no one has the answer for you but YOU. Your wife should respect that you feel uncomfortable around her sister and brother-in-law. If that means you not attending events then she should respect that if she doesnt wish to DO anything about it. This is YOUR battle though, so no, i donthtink she should be handling it on her own. It would just make you look like a sissy girl hiding behind her skirt. Now we wouldnt want that to happen cause then they have more fuel for the fire.

Im wondering, are you successful and happy in life. Your wife a happy person outside of the "family" thing. Cause i have found in the past with family that they tend to get jealous and attack anyone whom they KNOW to be doing better than they are, even if you are not one to rub it in their face.

My father always said to be kind and when someone picks at you like that, you should just walk away. A bully can say nothing to the back of your head. It lets them know that their words mean nothing to you, you got better things to do, people to see...... hearin me ....?

BE the better man.

Answer 2

Maybe they are intimidated by you, that's why they go on the attack or make rude comments , to make themselves feel better. I say limit the visits and conversations,and stand firm make it uncomfortable for your wife to keep saying yes to these visits and it will force her to recognize them. Then sit your wife down and say" I am a good husband  and I deserve to be treated better" Tell her that if she doesn't support you in this you will say something and it won't be pretty and might cause a break in the family structure and if she chooses to ignore your requests, do it. You have every right to stick up for yourself no matter how ugly it gets. But my best advice would be to limit the visits.

Answer 3

No your wife shouldn't say nothing because your the man you should be the one saying something rather they like it or not.I think their testing you to see how much of a man you are be honest with them then they will have respect for you and your space.

Answer 4

you need to step up. don't make your wife do your dirty work. Tell your bro in law what a useless sack of !@***& he really is. It ain't your wife's fault. You don't metion a problem with your sister in law other than she happens to be married to a jerk. Tell her she's an idiot for staying with this guy.

  Let it out long and loud and you will feel better. They will begin to respect you. You are disrespected for your cowardly traits as far as I can see. Good luck...!

Answer 5

No, she shouldn't be handling it soley, did you forget that when you marry someone their family becomes YOUR family? This is a problem that ALL of you have, why should your wife be the only one to bring it up? It obviously bothers you more than it bothers her. I think you should BOTH talk about it, that way you can back each other up. Your wife is doing the right thing by wanting to clear all this up, you all just need to make sure this doesn't turn into an all out brawl. Make sure you bring it up sensitively and don't attack them when bringing up the problem. Best of luck to you!

Answer 6

Your wife's loyalty to her family definitely outweighs her loyalty to you.

Perhaps you should shoot an email to your wife.

Maybe she will forward it to them and they can read first-hand how you feel about them.

Dear _________:

I have asked you numerous times to speak with your sister and her husband regarding their rude comments.

Instead of speaking to them about how they speak to me, you have decided that we all need to meet to resolve this.

You should not have put me in a situation where I will have to confront your family, as this will only widen the gap between us all.

This is not high school. We are not going to get called to the office to make-up.

Your sister has a condescending attitude. She believes that she is better than everyone, and talks down to everyone like it is her god-given right.

I do not appreciate being spoken to in that manner. She is allowed to feel good about herself, but she is not allowed to assume that she is better than me or anyone else, as there is no proof to back that up.

Her husband constantly acts bitter. He is negative about everything, and is willing to debate the color of the sky. Frankly, there is no debate. I refuse to argue what the rest of the world deems obvious. Name his successes and his failures, then cross reference your lists.

In the end, they are who they are. I can not change them, and have no desire to.

They are your family, and if their behavior does not bother you, then you can interact with them all you like.

I, on the other hand, do not have to.

Best wishes  

Answer 7

If I were you I would just be the bigger person and let their "personal attacks" go.  Apparantley they are the ones with the problem not you.  I know it is hard to do but I think that the more you realize that they are the ones with the problem the easier it will be for you to just blow it off.  I wouldn't even respond to talking to any of them because they will always be right and you will always be wrong.  And if you have a meeting with them it will do nothing but stir up more trouble.  Let it go.  Good luck.

Answer 8

I fear you have got yourself into a very distructive situation. I suggest you get out of this relationship ASAP.

Answer 9

No!  You are the one with the problem, you need to talk to them and NOT put your wife in the middle!  Since when do people expect their spouses to handle their problems for them!  Be a MAN and speak up for yourself!  They are YOUR family now too and you need to face your own problems with them and not stick your head in the sand and expect your wife to stand up for you!  Besides, it's not like you have to be with them every day, you can do your best to stay away from them at functions, but if something does come up, deal with it then and there.  It will do you more good to not stew on it for so long anyway!  just remember just letting it go is also a way to deal with it, so they are ignorant people, you know that, it's just words, you don't have to let them hurt you!  Are they really worth all this?

Answer 10

I'm not sure why you would even feel bullied by a man that is a complete failure, and a woman that puts on airs that she is better than everyone else.

I would pity them personally. Whatever they had to say to me would go in one ear and out the other. I would just keep contact with them at the family functions short and sweet and mingle with the family members I did get along with. Your about to have your wife start a family war. Who do you think everyone will side with? YOU?

Answer 11

It sounds like she's trying to stay neutral, but if she sent an email to her sister that says you have a problem with her and her husband, she pretty much threw you under the bus.  That was a bad move on her part.  

You are her spouse and regardless of what she and her family have been through and how close they are, she's supposed to be loyal to you (unless there is some kind of extreme circumstance like abuse).  If her sister and brother-in-law make unprovoked personal attacks on you, they obviously have a problem with you so it wouldn't do any good for you to confront them on it.  In this situation, it would be best for her to step up and say "(sister's name here) I love you, but the things that you and (brother-in-law's name here) say to my husband are hurtful to him and when you hurt him, it hurts me.  This is the man I chose to marry and you're going to need to accept him and be kind to him.  I don't expect you to be best friends with him, but I do expect there to be a level of respect and kindness."  

Likely, if these people are the way I think they are, she hasn't done that because she doesn't want to make them angry.  What it comes down to is that she needs to be loyal to you.  They are her family so yes, it is her place to say something to them.

Answer 12

Family or not, you should not allow yourself to be disrespected. It is not okay that your wife doesn't stand up for you but that doesn't mean you let those comments slide.  Your integrity and self-respect is worth standing up for.  It is not okay that at every family gathering that you get bullied.  

Answer 13

Have you ever said to the transgressor...''Why do you have the need to be so rude to me?" and calmly wait for an answer, or just walk away from them. Or ''I don't understand this need you have to be so rude to me"..and then walk away.



retorts or avoidance of the person does not help...altho I would tell the wifey as long as SIL & her husband are snotty to you without just cause you personally will have nothing to do with them.....so she either gets them in line or accepts your refusal to let yourself be insulted and you will inform the transgressor in your way of exactly that...and she will have to accept the way you do it if she refuses to support you. There is no reason why she can't tell her own sister "You are being rude to my husband for no good reason, so knock it off" as well as you standing up for yourself....a united front will acomplishmuch, believe me. One or the other alone handling this will NOT work, it has to be BOTH of you...good luck.

Answer 14

I would have said that her sister and brother in law seem to have the problem.  

Tell her you are not bothered as much as she is and simply do not intend to go to any functions that those people go to. end of story - tell her she is quite welcome to go without you so no problem.

Answer 15

No, she shouldn't be handling this by herself.  It's your beef.  She should be supportive, but I think you may have forgotten something:  YOU ARE FAMILY TOO!  Feel free to go ahead and act like family and speak your mind.  I'll tell you why:

A month ago I was at my sister-in-law's house with my husband and child.  She has her boyfriend living with her.  I never liked her boyfriend, and neither did my husband, but we made nice and showed respect out of respect for my SIL.  Well, one day the dummy boyfriend decided to touch my hiney - and then LIE and say he thought I was my SIL.  Whatever.  The problem became mine when I didn't react.  When he touched me, I had some unkind words and he kept apologizing, and I was so shocked that I just left the house.  My husband was upset with the boyfriend for doing such a foolish thing and then lying about it, but he was also curious as to why I hadn't slapped the S**t outta him.  My reasoning was that I didn't want to be the cause of any drama in my SILs house as I find that very disrespectful.  Looking back, I think - "hey wait a minute...HE disrespected ME in my SIL's house...why couldn't I have stood up for myself?" ... My SIL believed that it was her boyfriend's fault and not mine as he tried to make it.  That did make me feel a bit more at ease, however, from that one incident, I learned that family or no family - NO ONE has the right to disrespect me and/or my family and I will not back down again.  Instead of running away, I'm going to face whomever it is and say what it is I have to say...because I TOO am family.

Good luck.

Answer 16

No, because you are the one with the issues with them.  You wanted her to do something about it.  she now has.  It obviously is going to be more uncomfortable before things get better now.  Change often is uncomfortable.  Keep in mind, the way these people behave, has been accepted by the family for a long time, despite any tension it may cause.  Very hard to change other people.  Many family's have their bullies.  There are a lot of sites on the internet about handling bullies.  I would suggest spending some time reading about it.  These people may not even know they have been coming off like that way to you.

But, I wouldn't let your wife face them alone.  I don't' see that as a fair thing to do at all.  She's being supportive of you here, so be a team and handle this together.

Good Luck