What to do about my very badly behaved 3 year old boy!?

Question

My 3.5 year old son's behaviour is now becoming a problem and making me feel very down.

When he's 'good' he is charming and charismatic. If only he was like this more often. He hits, pushes and kicks kids and grown ups; he's hyperactive and often 'manic' and he's also very rude. He'll 'trash' things when he doesn't get his own way, and gets hysterical when you say 'no' to him.

This behaviour is exhibited to both me and his father, his peers, strangers and to his nursery teachers.

WE have tried just about EVERY strategy to help my son e.g. time out, smacking, rewards, being strict, remaining calm - and nothing appears to work. We're at our wit's end. I'm always on tenderhooks about what he is going to do next.

My son is wilful and defiant, and the 'usual strategies' just don't seem to work. I'm having to be horrible to him (but don't want to be) as this seems to be the only way to get him to cooperate. He gets me so angry that I say horrible things to him and then I feel guilty.

Answer 1

If I were you I'd have him checked out by the doctor for various things like ADD, ADHD, OCD or some form of Autism.  

Even though he eats healthy foods he could be reacting to a dye or chemical in his food that normally doesn't affect the average person.

I have a friend who had a 13 year old son with much the same symptoms.  He was first diagnosed with ADHD but it has now be changed to Asperger's syndrome.  I don't know if this is what's happening with your child but I'd certainly have him checked out by a doctor as soon as I could.

Answer 2

There is a reason for his behavior. When did it start? Is he modeling something he has seen inside or outside the home? Have you been consistent with him in the area of discipline or are you double minded?  You may need to go to family counseling. There is another possibility - he may need medication if there is an imbalance in his system. Counseling may help you get to the root of the problem and get the help he needs (could be ADHD). Sometimes children who are strong-willed will test you to see what they can get away with and how far they can push you. It is a power struggle. In your case you cannot afford to wimp out because he is aware that you feel bad or think you are being horrible to him when you are just being a parent. At his age, you are not supposed to be his friend; you are the authority figure in his life and he has to learn from you that he cannot have his way if he is being mean or disrespectful.  You have to keep repeating firm behavior or keep denying him what he wants while you are teaching him how to respect you as his parents and others. When he is polite and obedient, compliment him. Exhibit respectful behavior around him and make him pay attention to the right way of doing things. If you can, watch Super Nanny. Jo is excellent in teaching families how to deal with problem children. Generally, the child will accept the structure or order of the household once it is in place and they know they cannot get away with anything. Lastly, if you believe in prayer, ask God what the problem is and how to raise him. Also, ask your son why he does these things. Ask him why he hits, ask him how he feels and if he is hurting. Get as many answers as you can. Something is raging on the inside and he needs help.

Answer 3

go on that nanny 911 programme or something

Answer 4

Sucks that you are going through that - I mean they say terrible twos but if you ask me - it doesn't kick in until 3 yrs old...

I know it sounds easier said then done but you need to find ONE strategy and stick to it.  My strategy would be spanking.  Not too light but not too hard.  They need a wake up call..

I do the 1, 2, 3 thing with my 4 year old - unfortunately it took months for it to work but he needed someone to be consistant with him.  That time out sh it doesn't work - the only thing that works in my opinion is spanking.

If my son is behaving bad - I tell him to knock it off and say 1, 2 and 3 - then I spank his as*.  He knows now that on 3 - he's gonna get it....So he listens now.

My husband tries the 123 thing but it doesn't work for him because he never spanks him and my son knows it... So he doesn't listen...

When he hits someone else - I spank his butt and I tell him to apologize to the person.

When he talks back or yells and screams - I smack him in the mouth - lightly - I do not leave marks.... But it is shock factor for them.

You just have to be consistant with ONE strategy.....

My son is now 4 and he is a really good boy.... He has his moments like all children but overall his is good.  The teachers don't complain about his actions any longer, he is so lovable, and says thank you and sorry without me having to tell him, he tells other kids "thats not very nice" when they are acting out....

You have to nip it in the bud NOW before he gets older and he is expelled from school and beating kids up..

Good luck!

Answer 5

I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time with your son.  He sounds like very strong willed little guy!  I know how trying a toddler can be, but try not to say mean things to him.  He will only repeat them at the worst possible moment, lol.

Have you spoken to his pediatrician about his behavior?  I would start there.  Perhaps a child psychologist could help as well.  Going as a family can help you learn to deal with his outbursts and figure out why they are happening.  They can also help your little one learn better ways to communicate his feelings and frustrations.  

Good luck with your son.  I am sure that you'll find a way to get through this stage.  Just show him as much love as you can and try to be patient with him.  I know it can be difficult.  Hugs to you both.  =0)

Answer 6

I think the key key key thing with all kids is to be consistent. It's no good giving time-outs one week and smacking the next. It might take 3 weeks but pick a strategy that works for you and feels right and use it EVERY TIME he acts up. It will be hard work, and 3 weeks could feel like 3 years, but if you stick with it and never waiver he will come to realise his behaviour is unacceptable and that he can't get away with it. In the long run he will be so much happier knowing you are in control. All kids need to feel like their parents have a handle on everything.

Pick a day to start and promise yourself you wont give up for at least 3 weeks (I don't think it will take more than 2 weeks though). Your partner must follow the rules too! If you give your little one only one consequence for his behaviour he will soon understand not to misbehave. Perhaps try to avoid very public places for the first week just to make it easier.

Just as importantly you need to praise his good behaviour and treat him like he is a good boy, not like a good boy who any minute is going to misbehave. Show him you know he can be well behaved.

Good luck and be strong!

Answer 7

that's kids, they get worse as the get older.

Answer 8

:) he's just like me when i was young, im 12 now.

Answer 9

Better you call nanny 911.all problem solven can make clear natasha.

can you buy snake or animal like rabbitt or cat or rat and given your son,i think your son like it

Answer 10

Sounds like a typical 3 year old.  I like to call them "threevil" as 3 is much worse than 2.   You need to find a schedule that works for you and stick to it.  If you slack on disipline (smacking is not disipline as a problem can always be talked out...you're teaching violence by smacking) your child will pick up on this and think that his behavior is sometimes OK.  When my 3 year old acts up, I remove her from the situation even if that means leaving an entire cart full of groceries behind at the store and going home.  She's usually good in the store, but I will not put up with a tantrum in public as it makes one look like a terrible parent.  

Ask your pediatrician for advise also.   Good Luck!