What to do about rudeness from family members regarding vegetarian children?

Question

I was out to dinner last night with my in-laws, and my father-in-law at one point turned to me and said (in all seriousness),

"When you two have kids this vegetarian sh*t has to go...I'm not kidding....I'm not going to have grandkids that are freaks. I hope you know that when they come visit me I'm going to feed them hotdogs at the ballpark so other grandpas don't make fun of me for having freaks for grandchildren..."

I thought he was kidding at first, so my reply was just, "Well, it's a good thing they're not your kids then...you won't need to tell anyone what they do and don't eat."

He just kept going on and on about it.....I was honestly so stunned that I didn't know what to say!

My husband and I are planning on having children soon, and we're raising them vegetarian even though he eats meat. I know we'll be dealing with rude comments like this a lot. What would you say to someone who feels like they have the right to tell you what to teach and feed your children?

Answer 1

BLAH!  The nutritional needs of children over the age of 2 are not that different than adults!  Do your research and put together a packet of research for your father-in-law to read.

Your children will be just fine as vegetarians!  I'm raising my daughter as a vegan and she's healthy as can be.

It's your kid, not his....what a jerk!

Answer 2

Your father in law is an imbocile. There is absolutely nothing wrong with vegetarianism and if he can't accept your beliefs then that's his problem. If he thinks your kids will be such freaks and he won't be able to accept them then maybe he is better off out of their life.

Answer 3

I would simply say the same thing you said regarding the kids not being theirs and add that if he (grandpa) can't respect your wishes as far as food, your children won't be visiting unsupervised.   The man was beyond rude and has no respect for you.  Tell him how you feel in an honest civil manner.

Answer 4

I don't know what I would have said back, but he's doing something for all the wrong reasons. He wants to have grandchildren on a certain diet because of how it's going to make HIM look. Maybe I'd bring that to his attention.

That being said, kids have a different nutritional requirement for a lot of things than adults do. A vegetarian child may suffer from a lack of something that an adult vegetarion doesn't.

You may need to see a professional nutritionist about how to feed your kids as vegetarians, to make sure they're getting all they need (which may be different than you).

Answer 5

i CAN RELATE, i AM GOING THROUGH THIS ONLY FROM MY PARENTS AND MY HUSBAND, CAUS Ei DONT WANT TO GIVE OUR LITTLE GIRL oopps caps...sorry....any meat but they are feeding meat to her behind my back. I know they are going to regardless of the arguments I put up, so I told them if they are gonna do that than only free range organic local chicken and turkey, no red meat.  So they will have to pay a fortune fo rhte meat, but if they are gonna do it anyway I would rather at least reduce the suffereing of the animals killed fo rthe meat and give my daughter hormone/antibiotic/steroid free foods.  It sucks, but the meat eaters are "always right" right?  Uh, I hate that, and it is gonna cause a lot of problems even from your non-veg husband I am sure. Good luck, and wish me luck too, I need it!

Print this blog out for him and throw it in his face, that might make him realiza what a jerk he is being.

Answer 6

This is really hard! However, it's like any other issue in raising children - No matter what the grandparents think, they need to know they must respect the wishes of the parents. While they might see some things as spoiling (which is their right!!), like giving them a piece of candy or letting them watch cartoons, some issues are important, and that includes diet. This really is the same issue as if you did not raise your children in the same faith...they have a right to not believe the same things you do, but they do NOT have the right to undermine your beliefs to your children. If your father-in-law takes such a stand against your beliefs, then he has to know he may have limited visitation with his grandchildren.

Answer 7

Sometimes your relatives just won't get you. Period. Ever.

Thankfully he has no authority on how you raise your children.

From what I've seen you say in this forum, you have moral reasons behind vegetarianism, not just health reasons. That means that this is an issue that transcends what you think is trendy or healthy, this is an issue of setting a moral foundation for your children.

And family fights about what constitutes a moral foundation all the time. I don't want my daughter to date until she's 16; she'll have different ideas, and I know my cousins are already letting their 12-year-olds date. I don't want my daughter to drink underage, period, not even in the safety of my home - but my parents raised me and my brother differently, since they're from a country where the drinking age is much lower, and they let my 17 year old brother drink at social events (wine, whatever) - which I diagree with.

Unfortunately, since this transcends into an issue of ideology, an insinuation that you feel your way is right and that you frown upon eating meat, your family member not only feels inherent threat from your decision (he feels an insinuation that he must be doing something wrong) but he's ignorant, misinformed about what vegetarian diets are about, misinformed about the fact that they can be, in fact, incredibly healthy for kids.

I have members of my family like this. No matter how far into med school I get, how much research I can access, no matter how much reasoning skills I muster, they will not see the vegetarian way. It's bred into them like some bizarre gem they cling to, unable to part from it. Eating meat is like an unthinkable treasure that they could never, ever let go of. A diet without it is puzzling, impossible, expensive, difficult, crazy, insane, wacky... all the adjectives, I've heard them all. But fortunately being on the other side, being the slimmest person in my family (the rest are at least 50 pounds overweight), being the only one in my generation without diabetes, the only woman without hypertension so bad during her pregnancy that they had to be hospitalized, I have to say that I can see who's the wacky, difficult, crazy one here.

Just hold your ground. Sometimes it takes a village to raise your kids.

But when it comes to moral values, you set those yourself, don't let the village do it, especially the village idiots.

Answer 8

My son is two and a half and only recently began eating meat, he showed an interest.  I kind of wish that I hadn't let him eat it now, but what's done is done.  I got a lot of c**p from some of my family.  My step mom even tried to tell me that she called his doctor and he was not aware that my son does not eat meat.  Which was a load of c**p, he has given me paperwork for daycare stating this and we discussed it at every visit and when the nurse would mark down the things that he eats at his visits I would stop her when she got to the meat part.  He said that there is no problems provided he is getting enough protein and iron.

Unfortunately people will criticize every single aspect of your parenting, everyone thinks that they know how to raise your children.  You two will be the parents and it is your job to do what is best for them, your father-in-law had his chance and now it's your turn to raise children.

Answer 9

i would say, i'm not disrespectful about you eating meat, so i'd like if you were'nt disrespectful on my not eating meat. my grandma made my favorite cake (carrot cake) and put gelatin in the icing, and she knew that i didn't eat gelatin

Answer 10

Very calmly point out that Eating all that chicken has obviously made him 'foul'. Being as he doesn't seem that inelligent, you may choose to remind him that birds are 'fowl'. or you and your husband can laugh silently at his stupidity. Either way, his ignorance may be a little more tolerable if you can find the humor in it!

It's your turn to make the rules when you have a baby.Don't let other people give you unsolicited advice. I've found that parents of really messed up kids always want to tell me what I should be doing with mine.

Answer 11

I would tell them to go home

Answer 12

As calmly and civilly as possible, tell them that you have already decided with your partner how to raise your children, and that you have researched and found it to be the most healthy diet. If he/they cant support your choices, and you can't trust him/them around your children, it might not be possible for him to be trusted to be around them at all.

Not only the health consequences of the SAD (Std. American Diet), but the moral ones need to be considered. What would you do if this family member was secretly indoctrinating your children into a religion behind your back? Having you and your husband teach them something only to have him contradict it will just lead to confused and rebellious children.

Answer 13

Firstly good on you for raising your kids vegetarian too.  I wish he was kidding that's a horrible thing to say, he has no right to do that, it's disgusting.  I reckon let him know how you feel and don't let him think it's okay, or I bet he will be doing things like that and trying to interfere with you bringing up your children with his stupid prejudices and fears.  But other than that I guess you'll have to learn to live with S****y inlaws and hope it gets better over time.

Answer 14

As a 16 year old vegetarian myself, I do not think that you should raise your kids as vegetarians.  Vegetarianism is a principle which is learned, and by imposing this on children you are only forcing them to do it...they are truly no different than every other kid who eats meat.  In my opinion you should make it they're choice to give up meat.  However, they are your children, not mine.

As for as your father-in-law goes, s***w him.  Its your children, not his, and if I were a parent I would certainly not let   a man who calls his future grandchildren "freaks" take my children to a baseball game.

Answer 15

That was completely uncalled for.  It would be a while before I would talk to him again.  Not only was he being rude and disrespectful, he told you that he would go against your wishes every chance he could get.

I would seriously wonder what other things he would do.  He has total disregard for your wishes and it sounds like he is waiting to get back at you.

If someone said those things to me I would be super pissed.  I would not accept calls or call that person for weeks, maybe months.

For me vegetarianism is something so far beyond my diet.  It is something that I am deep down inside and it is part of me.  I am part of it too.  People can think what they want, but I know my reasons and I know you feel the same way.

The problem starts when people can't keep their mouths shut.  You would expect better from your family.  He has already called your unborn babies freaks.  It sounds to me like he has some work to do on his attitude before you give him any grandkids.

Making statements like he made is a good way to make sure you never get to see your grandchildren.  You already know you can't leave them alone with him because he doesn't plan to respect your wishes.  There is not much left.

I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this terrible situation.  You have some important decisions to make.  Unless he straightens up his act he may not even get to see your babies.  Maybe that will force him to clean up his act.  Who knows...anyway, I am sorry you have in-laws like that.  In-laws are usually not great, but yours are terrible on a new level.

Answer 16

Unfortunately your father-in-law is an idiot. Its true that we cannot choose our families. And we have to face facts, some people are so ignorant that its not possible to reason with them over some topics.

It such a display of ignorance ( of normal basic human politeness as well as the vegetarian topic ) that I don't know what to say to you.

You know what, I've never had any friend or family member have a go at me for my veggie diet. I'm 42 now and been veggie for 28 years so i suppose there is still time, but i doubt its going to happen.

me: feeling very lucky about my friends and family right now.

Sorry I can't help.

He is

(a) telling you and your hubby that you are freaks

(b) telling you he will definately go against your wishes and he can't be trusted.

Even if he backs down on the hotdog statement, would you ever trust him ?? I wouldn't, he'll just say what you want to hear so he gets to take the kids out for the day.

I guess what we are saying here is that your father in law can never be trusted with your kids.

Its sad, but an inevitable conclusion I'm afraid.

edit: oops, sorry, forgot to say best wishes with this particular issue and the future. Hope the "children" thing goes well.

Send him to me, I'll keep him occupied for a while so you can get on with life in peace