What to do about (slightly) chauvinistic husband? (kind of long, sorry)?

Question

Well my husband is wonderful, don't get me wrong, and while sometimes I enjoy him treating me and our daughters like princesses, it gets a bit annoying at times. For example, today my 14y/o daughter cut the grass (she wanted to) as my husband was working and I have seven other kids to mind. So he comes home and asks who cut grass, annoyed because he assumed it was me, but he got more upset when I said that she (our daughter) did it. He said that women aren't supposed to do heavy work, that our girls were taught to do the dishes and laundry and light cleaning and that they shouldn't have to push a lawnmower. I asked him "what's that supposed to mean" and he said "you know what I mean." I left it alone after that to avoid confrontation, even though I was uncomfortable with it. I am very adamant in gender equality, anything a man can do a woman can also do and he knows that. I am at a loss about what to do, if I should approach it or leave it alone? Ideas? Opinions? Anything serious will be appreciated.

Answer 1

Looks to me that you need to talk to him in private about this. Tell him you simply want your daughters to be self-sufficient, and that it's not about gender. It's about being strong and self-reliant.  

I hope you guys work it out. I really do.

Answer 2

Your husband is doing a HUGE disservice to all of his children by saddling them with gender specific tasks.  Is he telling the boys to mow the yard and take the garbage out?  I hope he is encouraging them to do more than that because sooner or later the REAL WORLD is going to catch up with them.  Especially lazy boys, who sit by and expect their sisters to wait on them, hand and foot.  The real world is going to hit them in their @zz when they try that sort of stuff on their 21st century girlfriends.

Answer 3

Your daughter will have tougher things to do in her life than mow grass, and your husband is not really 'protecting' her by preventing her learning how to be a useful and contribuitng member of whatever household she is in. In fact, he is making it harder for her in future because if she HAS to do a tough job one day, she won't know how.

I think you pulling back from a confrontation to think this through is a very wise thing to do.

The lawn as one incident is not much in life, but the underlying attitude of girls being only fit to do weak things is obviosuly not one you are comfortable with.

My own view would be that discussing it would be best, in a non-confontational way. Personally, I'd make sure the kids were absent (out or in bed, ALL of them) and sit down over a pleasant meal and bottle of wine and ask him what he meant ~ was he just irritated because he felt somehow 'guilty' for not doing it? Maybe he thinks he HAS to do these tasks or you will think less of him? Maybe he doesn't realise how strongly you feel about these matters.

You are both adults and it sounds like you like your husband as a person, so having a loving, friendly conversation should not be too hard!

You should let him know that you are happy to discuss issues with him, but that you can make decisions yourself, and delegating househaold chores is everybody's business.

You can agree to disagree, but not to bring your kids up to play at being weak and simpering when they are healthy young people who need to have responsibilities and duties around the home.

My two cents!

Good luck and best wishes :-)

Answer 4

YOU've been with this guy for (20 some odd years?), and ultimately married him and had 8 kids together---- why are you asking us to advise you on how he acts and how to deal with his personality?    

Answer 5

Just ignore him and go about your business.  "You weren't around", end of story.  He sounds like a whiner puffed up with a misguided sense of self-importance anyway.  Some eye-rolling in the presence of your daughters when he pipes up with this stupidity should get the point across.  Don't argue, don't waste your energy.  Just ROLL and ignore.

Answer 6

Well, what my dad was always telling me was that everybody needs to learn to be a fully functioning adult.  (Mainly he said this when I didn't feel like doing something.)  Ask your husband if he wants his daughters to grow up  feeling like they can't function without a man, or does he want them to know they're strong and they can take care of themselves if they need to or want to?  Similarly, would he want his sons to feel helpless to function without a woman to cook and do their laundry?  

If adults want to divide up the chores along traditional gender lines or some other way, that's fine, but I think even a woman who plans to marry and stay home and raise children and be an uber-traditional stay at home mom should feel confident to do things on her own until Mr. Right comes along, and if, heaven forbid, anything bad happens to her husband or she gets divorced.  I grumbled about it at the time, but I'm glad my parents made me learn to do stuff that's not traditionally "women's work" because I've had to do that kind of stuff as an adult - even as a married adult.

Answer 7

Just talk to him about how you feel; no-one else can tell you what to do because this is your life not ours. If you feel so strongly about this then it is best you sit down and discuss it with your husband; you are in a partnership and need to sort out these things together.

Calmly sit down together and talk, tell him how you feel, listen to how he feels and together make a resolve. There is no point letting this fester, both of you need to communicate.  

Answer 8

I lived in a marriage for four and ahalf years where my wife decided that all she would do was the light duties, and then only when she felt like it (and that was not often).  She would hide behind her alleged gebder weakness (she was by no means weak).  Sorry, this attitude is common in both sexes, as much as I don't like it.

Open Minded seems blithely convinced that there is one solution, but I think the two of you can work something out.  The reason this will get people here worked up is because you allude to a domineering man, never mind that in most families it is the mother who occupies the domineering position these days.  Work something out.  Complaining on here will only give you either the answer you already want, or impractical answers that solve nothing.

Answer 9

Let him carry all the burden all long as he is doing it. You will avoid unnessary confrontation. It will aslo save you the trouble of doing the hard work, even though you and your daughters are capable of doing the hard work

Answer 10

I think you need to approach him about it. Would you be ok with your girls entering relationships with that mindset - that they're delicate and unable to do hard work? Or even entering adult life, for that matter?

And honestly - pushing a lawn mower? Hard work? It's not like she's hoisting anvils across the yard!

If you want to give your daughters a chance at understanding gender equality the way you do, you need to speak up.

Answer 11

Maybe you could persuade him of the purely practical issue.  The grass needed to be cut.  He was working.  You were looking after the children.  The only person who offered was your daughter.  She is young and strong and perfectly capable of pushing a lawnmower.  In fact, it is good physical exercise for a teenager in a way that dishes and laundry aren't.

Clearly you both have your opinions about what men and women should do, or should be allowed to do, and it's difficult to resolve when your opinions don't match.  But I don't think you should back down, or the next thing you know he'll be telling *you* what you should or shouldn't do!

Answer 12

Divorce

Answer 13

Well, on this particular subject, grass cutting, you should talk with him and explain how the children want to help with the chores and explain how

sorry this is just to detailed of a question for now hope it works out

Answer 14

I think you should leave this alone for now, but if he says anything else that is demeaning towards women, you need to confront him about it.  Tell him that what he is saying is sexist and that females are entirely capable of mowing the lawn, especially at age 14.

Answer 15

I wouldn't worry about the grass cutting. It's not a big deal. I would leave it alone. Other things in life are more important than who cut the grass.