What to do about this situation.. Please help!?

Question

Sorry it's going to be long. I'll be as short as I can.

I've posted questions about this before so read back in my questions if you want furthur details.

Basically, my Mother in Law said some pretty nasty things to both myself and my husband. We stopped talking to her for a few weeks. She called my husband and said sorry, and that she wanted to say sorry to me too but she'd wait a couple days. 2 1/2 weeks go by. Finally, she talks to me but doesn't apologize. I tell her how I feel about her not apologizing, and she goes "Why can't we just move past it, it's whats best for our families?" I told her that hurt me she wouldn't apologize to me. Later, I get an e-mail saying "I really am sorry for what happened I just want to move on and don't understand why you can't do that. I was hurt too you know."

I don't feel this is much of an apology at all. Not that I want the woman to grovel, but jeez "I'm sorry for what happened" isnt' exactly admitting any wrongdoing on your part. She gave my husband this long, very sincere apology, the blows me off, THEN half-apologizes?! I didn't respond to the e-mail. I don't want to have a relationship with this woman and my husband supports that, HOWEVER my husband actually thinks this was a good apology and I should forgive her! I have respect for my husband's opinion, but in my opinion it would be lowering my self respect to accept such an apology. Even one sentence of "I know what I did was wrong.." would be enough for me.

The thing is, I don't want to see her but I know it will kill me a little inside if we separate our family and my husband goes over there on regular visits without me. What do I do? Please be bluntly honest -- not insulting though. I really just feel like I'm right here but I also feel like I don't want to put this rift between us by him going without me. I know if he goes without me I'll never get any recognition from her because she got what she wanted -- her son back. I feel like the only reason she even gave me the "sorry for what happened" in e-mail was because my husband refused to go over there 'til she apologized.

I almost feel like I should just suck it up and let her know that I forgive her but I have no desire to be close to her whatsoever. Just go there when I'm obligated with a "smile" and be polite and courteous but NOT friends. (FYI, this isn't a one time thing. For our entire relationship she has been pretty awful to me/us. It's not like I'm holding a grudge over one incident. It's a constant.)

Please let me know what you would do. Would you insist your husband not go without you (which I don't wanna do, believe me), not go and allow him to just attend everything without you, or suck it up and go along even though you're uncomfortable, unhappy, and feel disrespected?

Thank you!

Answer 1

I grew up with one side of the family because my mother and my grandmother (her mother in law) could not get along.    The thing is neither one of them were willing to communicate or put their foot down.   My dad would go over and visit his mother all the time, but he never stood up for my mom like he needed to.   All the kids ended up getting rejected and feeling hurt because of my mother and grandmother's relationship.    We were never welcome there because of it.   Last year my grandfather died and I hadn't spoken to him in years, because of the divide.   It breaks my heart.  

Do what you can to mend it and to work through things.   At least she sent you an apology, however half hearted.    She tried.   Just don't let your family suffer years later for something you could mend now.  

Answer 2

Having been in this situation I think you should just accept that in any arguement both people are wrong. She did apoligize to her son, and she said to you that she wants to move on. The more you let space go between you and family visits, the harder it will be to repair. You sound like you are trying to WIN this fight, and you sound like you act as if you can do no wrong. Like I am sure you said things to her, but then you justify it by saying she said that to me. NO good, you both were wrong, all three of you got into a fight. By the way, are you Irish? I have seen that Irish families cannot let an issue rest, and will continue to hold grudges and make fights over the same issues. I think you need to go with hubby to the family gatherings, be pleasant, and keep your mouth shut. If somebody tries to talk to you in a way of sort of mending the ways, I think you need to accept it and move on

Answer 3

The thing is..choose your battles carefully.Like on this occassion i would say u r mum in law was totally disrepecting you by giving your husband the full apology and not even tryng to apologize to you...

If i were u,i would probably let my husband know about my feelings..after all thats why u got married(for better or for worse).Let him know u respect his opinions but on this issue,u got really hurt.And also let him know that,there's no way u gonna go visit her unless she just admits she was wrong.Tell u r husband he can go there if he wants to...but stand your ground.And if he loves ya,he's gonna stand the ground wit u.

I would say,talk to the rest of the family(if u really have to go),but when around her,act like nothing happened and ignore her *** off..(something only her and maybe your husband wil notice,not the rest of the family).

But i would recommend dont go...unless u reeeeaaaallllyyy have to.Ok??

Hope i helped and good luck!!

Answer 4

You may be a "wife"...but you are also "human"...dont forget that there's a spiritual side to all this as well. You dont like the woman. Period. And its ok not to like someone. You dont hate them. You just prefer not being in their presence. I say, if there's a feeling of discomfort within you about going along with your husband,dont. Its only going to cause more tension between you and your husband.

Im a straightforward kinda gal,so I would personally go and deal with the mother in law on a one to one,woman to woman basis and not even have your husband involved. He's done his part. He's forgiven her. Now,its on you. Either you confront the ill feelings and have a heart to heart with her,or just avoid having her within your energy field...I say confront it...for the sake of "closure"...but its what works for you...

Good luck!

Answer 5

I feel like I owe you some constructive advice since you gave me best answer.. But dont go spreading this around.  I have a reputation to uphold.

I'll start by saying...Holy mother in law issues batman!  It sounds like this woman likes to spout off at the mouth alot and put herself first.  Kind of self important B- word.  My MIL is the same way.. buts her nose in the family's business, thinks her opinion is gold, and throws tantrums from time to time.  We stand our ground, and we fight, but in the end, we're family and after everything has calmed down we try to move past it.  I'm not saying to forget anything ever happened, but you have to forgive at some point.  My MIL and I had a huge power struggle in the beginning of our relationship.. and I've been married 8 glorious (eye roll) years.  I remember the first time I stood my ground with her.. I swear I could hear a nuke going off from her house 30 miles away.  After the intitial confrontation, I went over there with my wife and the kids and believe me.. it was awkward.  To make a long story short, we ended up sitting down and talking.. this was a few weeks later after everything calmed down.  She ended up acknowledging that this was her daughter's and my family now and we moved past it.  We still have little tiffs now and again, but alot of spouses and in laws do it.  

How you deal with it is up to your family.  It sounds like your MIL in her own twisted way, made some effort.  You may not deem it acceptable because your husband got what sounds like a whole hearted apology.. and you got an e-mail.  Parents are going to reach out through their kids, and be more genuine with them because.. well, they raised them, they know them, and they can talk to them about anything.

She's known you a few years, and if what she says is true about wanting what is best for the family, then she probably wants to talk to you about it, but may not have that comfortable relationship with you where she can be genuine and sincere.  She can acknowledge that there was a problem and move past it.. and in her own way, "I'm sorry for what happened" is reaching out to you.

You are the only one who can decide if thats acceptable or not, and you are the only one who can decide if you want to reach back.  I wouldnt fault your husband for wanting to see her.  He got his apology, and if he knows her, he probably thinks that this attempt she made is reaching out to you and is assuming that the ball is in your court.

I would agree with him that it is.  You shouldnt discourage his relationship with her.  I'd imagine that this has taken a toll on him that words cannot describe.  Sometimes in a marriage, you do have to suck it up and make sacrafices for the one you love.  If it would help things to try to be the bigger person and "suck it up" so to speak.. you should try.  As long as you and your family remain in control and arent being disrepsected.  In the end, you only have one mother, and at our age.. they arent going to be around forever.. Life is short and family is important, and it takes work from everyone.

There you go.. a little Brightside insight.  And of course I'm obligated to add.. if you really want to fix things, make him dinner tonight, give him a BJ and bring him a beer when you're through.  It never hurts.

Good Luck!