What to do about this unexpected turn of events in my life?!?

Question

I've been married 15 yrs. AFTER we married my husband told me he gave a child up for adoption. I was devastated. I know it may sound selfish, but I didn't want to marry a man who had children already, & I was only 19. He shrugged it off once he saw how upset I was & said it probably wasn't even his. His wife had several affairs, blah, blah. Well, last week he tells me that this child has contacted him. She is 18 now & wants to be a part of his family. We have 3 kids together & I am worried about how they will take this. I asked him to do a DNA test to be sure, he did & we get the results this week. My problem is if this test comes back confirming she is his, I don't know if/how I am going to handle it. The DNA test was cheap, only cost $150 but claims it's 99.999% accurate. How sure can I be about the result? If she is his, how are we going to tell our kids? Am I being selfish by wishing that she isn't his? I mean it's not her fault, but at the same time, not mine or my kids either.

Answer 1

this whole situation must be hard for your family. Just tell the kids the truth, they will find out one way or another. But you defiantely need to think of the kids here. I am sure you are hurt, but this girl wants her father, just like any child would. You just need to learn to accept it. Make her feel at home, treat her just as if she were your own child. That is the best thing you could do. She will appreciate it and I am positive your husband will as well. Look at this girl as the blessing she is, and not a mistake or problem. She really is a blessing to you whether or not you know that right now.

Answer 2

This is not exactly the same but...My husband has 2 boys from an other girl, this happened before we were married but he told me that the youngest was not his. Well about a year ago she wanted Child support so we/he had a DNA test and both boys are his. I was devestated because I wanted to be the only one with his children, any way. I wanted to tell our children(we have 5) beacuse when those boys get old enough and wanted to be a part of our family then I did not want it to be a surprise. OUr kids took it very well and will sometimes talk about their other 2 brothers. My kids are 11, 8, 7, 7, and 5. These boys are 8, and 6. So no i do not feel that you are being selfish, just be honest with the kids and it will all fall into place. Good Luck!!!

Answer 3

you can't. you have to face

Answer 4

This does sound like a hard situation.  I would be a little sick over it too.  But on the other hand there is a person out there who, if she is his biological daughter, will most likely just want to make contact to see where she came from, what type of information she can get that may be helpful to her in the future, medically.  She may not really want to jump in and be a part of your family.  My advice is take it slow, very slow, set boundaries if she is in fact his daughter, until you all get to know one another better.  Time will only tell.  You sound like a reasonable person by acknowledging that it is not her fault.  Sure, you are darn right that he should have told you the truth from the beginning...that makes it even harder as a wife.  Sure, you would have still married him but you would have at least spent the last years prepared for this in some way.  I wish you the best.  Just stay cool and keep your head and listen to your heart.

Answer 5

YOU ARE SO SELFISH!!   IT WAS IN THE PAST GET OVER IT THE TESTS ARE VERY ACCURATE. YOU ARE THE ADULT ACT LIKE ONE

Answer 6

She's your children's sister. She's got the same dna running through her that your children, who you love, have. She's got the same dna as your husband, who you love.  

For eighteen years, she's been denied any knowledge of her father.  For eighteen years, you've had your husband all for yourself and your children.  Now it's time to share.  I doubt there will be so much sharing you'll find it a problem. She's an adult now. She already has another family.

Your statement that "it's not her fault, but at the same time, not mine or my kids either" is troubling.  It makes it seem like you feel you're being punished? Or that her existence is someone's 'fault'?  And you say 'my kids' rather than 'our kids' - makes it seem like it's you vs. your husband's previous girlfriend.  

Your kids are gaining a sister.  Is there ever harm in having more people to love or more people who love you?

Answer 7

hi..

i wouldn't say you are being selfish, but i can definitely see where you are a bit concerned about how this will impact your life.  and that's understood.

but... this young person IS a part of your husband's life.  and there is really no way to make it go away.  regardless of the situation that resulted in the pregnancy/relinquishment of this adoptee, it is something that your husband (and you) have to deal with.  

i would consider speaking with a family counselor to sort out your feelings.  also, i would not automatically assume that your children will be harmed by this reunion.  my SIL recently had a reunion with your son she relinquished 21 years ago.  sure, it was awkward, as first, but he and her younger son are the best of friends.  and our family embraced him with open arms.

very often, life events creep up on us and tend to overwhelm us. but, if you and your husband's relationship is strong and "mature", then you will have to try and work this out.  you can't simply "wish this away." and as you stated so eloquently, "it's not her fault..."

and as such, it is her RIGHT to know her biological father.

ps. 99.99 is pretty reliable.  the only "100%" result is exclusion.

i wish you luck.

Answer 8

I feel sad for any adoptee that finally finds their family of origin - but then finds that they are not allowed to have contact because everyone else is worried that there is imminent danger to the relationships already in place.

An adoptee has NO say about their life circumstances.

Please please please please open your heart - accept this adoptee as part of the family - and just roll with it.

An adoptee has had to build up a h**l of a lot of courage to come searching - they are petrified of rejection.

To grow - children need to know where they came from - who they are related to - who they look like - who they have talents like - in order to truly grow.

Adoptees don't have any of that.

This adoptee is most likely just trying to fill in the missing pieces in her life.

Please do open you heart.

You have room in there - I know it.

You love her father - now love her.

You can NEVER have too many people to love in your life.

And please do read up on what it feels like to be an adoptee -

here are links to blogs - try and put yourself in an adoptee's shoes -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

I wish you and ALL your family all the best the world can offer.

Answer 9

I'd say do your best to welcome her with open arms. But are u saying u wouldn't have married ur husband if u had known he had a child already????

Answer 10

I think it is understandable to feel the way you are feeling.  It's a lot to think about.  I actually had a friend who this happened to.  Her mother had her and never even told the father she was born, so she contacted him when she was 26 because she wanted to get to know him. (I think it is totally understandable)  I think it was hard for him and his wife to take, but they met with her and she ended up fitting into the family just fine and the kids love her.  I think your kids will react how you react.  If you act as though it is okay and want to accept her into your family, your kids will be understanding.

As for the test, it's accurate, so if it says he is the father....he is.

This is tough and I'm sorry you have to go through it, but try to put yourself in his daughters shoes.  I'm sure you'd want to know your father too.  If you think about it that way, maybe you can be more understanding of the entire situation.

I wish you the best......

Answer 11

I think that you should support whatever decision your husband makes. If that is his child then it is his child and nothing you can do can change that. Being selfish and denying the child will only make him push you further away. I think you should be supportive and make sure you let him know that you are supportive and that you will welcome this person into your life because it is important to him. Also what he did before you met him really has nothing to do with you but he should have told you. If you really love and care for him you will still love him the same with or without all of his baggage.

Answer 12

This does sound difficult, but she is 18, so she I don't imagine she wants to move in and be part of the family. She's an adult now and wants to understand where she came from. I think the DNA test is a good idea, based on what your husband told you previously, but if it says she's his I would believe it.

Of  course you should tell your kids, but he should meet her first. Maybe with you, if she's okay with that - but check with her. This has to be difficult for her too. Once you have a better idea of what the relationship will be like you can decide about introducing her to her brothers and sisters.

I actually hope that she is his, because if not that sounds like it will be traumatic for her. In her position she already has to deal with being adopted, searching for her birthfather, trying to connect...  But I do understand this will be difficult for you and your kids. Especially since your husband wasn't open about it up front.

Answer 13

What do you mean? How do you know your children won't want to know her and adore her because they're siblings too?

I was the secret in my fathers life. He was married to an adoptee, and never told her about me until I called and came looking for him.

I wasn't there to intrude, or there to ruin their marriage, or to be somewhere I wasn't welcome. I'd be lying if I said it didn't upset his wife, it totally did. She was a black market adoptee and never wanted to search, she wanted me gone.

But after a little bit of time and once she saw how much her children loved me, their sister, she embraced me.

I wasn't there to be a threat, and I don't think his daughter is either. When you don't know who you come from you can't start life at chapter one. You never start a book from chapter 2 right? you always start from chapter 1, thats what she's trying to do. Its not like she's moving in, or wanting to find a new family, she wants to find part of herself that she's always been missing.

There is always room for more love to go around, give her a chance.

Answer 14

Yes, this is a shock.  BUT, on the other hand, this girl was adopted into a new family -- one that she undoubtedly has ties to.  The chances of her coming into your life and changing things so drastically are pretty slim.  Yes, she is curious about her father and his new life.  Wouldn't you be in her situation?

Although it is hard, it is a great learning experience for everyone involved.  Your kids can see how your husband handled things responsibly -- allowed his daughter to live and grow up in a loving home.  They also learn about consequences to your actions -- there is a daughter that mysterious showed up in your life YEARS after the event occurred.

Yes, I can understand your deep feelings of betrayal.  You had a family life that you felt was working wonderfully and then THIS!...  Unfortunately, many of us have skeletons in our closet and things that we regret.  I admire your husband and the mother of the girl for allowing her to be placed in a home where she was wanted and loved.

Life has a way of throwing us curve balls.  There are far worse things that could have happened.  Do tell your husband about your feelings, but express to him that you will accept whatever the results will be.  If you need to, seek a counselor to help you both mediate how to handle this new "family member".

Remember, though, she has been adopted.  That is a legal binding document.  Your husband does not "owe" her any support.  How much she interacts in your life is up to you and your husband.  If she is expecting that she has won a "new father" to indulge her whims, then she is the one who is expecting too much.

Answer 15

I think you should deal with the situation it is not the childs fault or his if you really love him you need to tell him you will be there for him i hope it works out for you

Answer 16

My son was 23 when he found out he had a biosister, he wasn't as upset about having a sister as he was about the lie of omission.

Your feelings are not wrong, and it will take awhile to come to grips with your situation, you sound like a very loving woman and I have faith that you will be able to get past this and embrace your husbands daughter.