What to do about visiting smoker inlaws with new baby?

Question

My husband and I are expecting our first baby in December. We quit smoking several months before I got pregnant because we wanted the healthiest environment possible for our baby from day 1. My husband's mother smokes in her home, as do his younger sister and brother, both of whom live with her. Between them (and whatever friends might be over at any given time), there is rarely a moment that someone is not smoking in that home. I know they won't make an exception for my baby, because my sister-in-law that lives there has a 14 month old and they've all smoked since the day she had him.

I love my mother-in-law, and I respect her right to do as she wishes in her home, and I certainly want her to have ample time with her grandchild. But I'm concerned about visiting her and exposing my baby to secondhand smoke. I'm also concerned about being tactful...does anyone have any suggestions about how to balance my in-laws' feelings with my need to protect my baby?

Answer 1

In the beginning it might be easier to invite them to your home and ask them to smoke outside.  With a newborn, especially during cold winter months, it is a little difficult to go out.

I'm so happy to hear that you and your husband have kicked the habit!  You're baby is very lucky to have such unselfish and determined parents.

Answer 2

Just politly ask them not to smoke around your baby. if they want to see the baby bad enough they will stop when you come around. I know it's a hard conversation but it needs to be said now not later.

Answer 3

i don't get it. everyone knows my house is a no smoking zone. if they want to smoke it's done outside away from the door. so tell them your house has become a no smoking house. set this up right off. if people complain, don't give in. it's not a necessity like air for petes sake. same thing if you don't want people drinking.

Answer 4

Just let them know that you have made your home a smoke free home as not only for your child, but since you and your husband quit its easier if the smell and smoke aren't around you.

Answer 5

i am a smoker with two children but i smoke outside and when my family comes over they do the same but when it comes to going to there house i can't tell them not to smoke in there house my husband tried to tell his mother she couldn't smoke around are first born and she said it was her house so we choose not to go over there until she was older its very hard but if you don't want smoke around your baby tell them and if they refuse tell them to visit at your house and make them smoke outside.. i give you props for quiting that's really good i try but never can kick the habit. good luck with everything and i hope every one respects your wishes. congrats with the bundle of joy.

Answer 6

When you go to visit, get a hotel room instead of staying at her home.  Plan to spend time with them OUTSIDE the home when you are there.  If she wonders why you don't come to her home, tell her about your feelings.

I used to smoke when my kids were young, but NEVER in my home.  When I would go visit my mother-in-law, I had the same problem.  

Good luck.

Answer 7

Since you don't think they will quit smoking while you visit or smoke outside why don't you stay at a Motel when you visit. Then you guys can go out to eat together or to events together but your not at their house. If they ask why just politely explain that the baby's doctor doesn't want it around cigarette smoke at such a young age that is why you quit. Or you can take the heat...just tell them that since you quit smoking it is too tempting to be around other people that smoke!

Answer 8

You don't have to step lightly.  Unless she is a moron, all you have to do is say that you don't want your daughter to be subject to secondhand smoke.  When we visit, I would ask that nobody in the house smokes where she is.  If that is too much to ask, then we won't be bringing her over to visit and you'll have to come over to visit her.  You'll get a clue fairly quickly how responsive she is to that.  

I quit smoking in 1991.  I do not beat up smokers, but do feel they should respect your choice as well.

Answer 9

i wouldn't worry about being tactful. i would make arrangements when visiting (if from out of town) to stay elsewhere and not bring the baby into the house, but make plans to meet elsewhere. if they ask why let them know that you prefer not exposing your baby to carcinogins that will ultimately cause health problems. it is absolutely an adults right to chose to poison themselves but it is selfish for them to chose to poison a child. my parents smoked for a long time when i was a kid and i hated it, it started giving me headhaches and it is one thing i would never do to my own child.

good luck!

Answer 10

Be upfront. Your child's health is of the utmost importance to you and you will not put your baby's health at risk by bringing her/him into that house. If they want to see their grandchild, they come to your house. I would be completely unbending. That is how it was with my father. I would not even go into his house when I was pregnant.

Answer 11

She can get a hotel room, and when she is in your house she must leave the home and smoke outside.  Actually, I wouldn't want her to touch the baby when she comes back in from smoking since the smoke lingers on clothes.  Maybe she could shower and change before holding the baby....

Seriously, you have a valid and reasonable concern.  Smoking effects all who are exposed, even those who are exposed to the leftover tar and smoke trailed in from the porch.  Tell her your concerns and your requirements, you are the mother.  As long as you are not rude, direct, and assertive, whatever offense she takes is on her.  You have a right to protect your children no matter what the issue is.

Answer 12

I dont smoke in my house and when my children visit their grandparents there is no smoking around them either.  Not in the house, garage or vehicle.  I am not telling them to stop smoking just askiing them to refrain while in the presence of my children and after they have had a cigarette to please wash their hands before handiling the baby or the other older children.  Its a mutual respect thing ans it works.  Good Luck.  And most grandparents are so happy to see their grandchildren they wont smoke near them.

Answer 13

Just let them know that you and your husband have chosen to quit smoking so your baby, her grandchild, will be as healthy as possible.  Overall your baby's health should override anyone's feelings, if she gets offended when you ask her to refrain from smoking around the baby then let her know that she can see the baby anytime at your house.  It's your decision and she needs to respect that.

We have friends that are heavy smokers and have never been over to their house because we don't want our daughter exposed to that.

Answer 14

hey,

My mom smokes about 3 packs a day.. in her home. when my child comes over she takes it outside, and we still don't go over there very often because it doesn't really matter if she goes outside the moment my child enters the house, she was just smoking up a storm 10 minutes before that.(besides the ciggerette smell it horrible. ugh)  If your IL's won't do ATLEAST that for the child, or children (including your SILs) then I say you don't need to be taking the baby over there unless you stay outside with it.  I would tell her exactly why you don't want the baby around the smoking. It's not rude. It's YOUR child. If you don't want your child around people that are smoking in a house full of smoke that's completely up to you. I wouldn't expect that if they came to your house that you'd let them light up in your living room right? Yes, it's thier house, they can smoke in thier house all they want, you can't tell them not to that would be rude, but you can refuse to bring your child over there. If they don't wanna come see the child at your house where it's safe and smoke free, then that's thier problem. Not yours.

I think that's all you have to say..

"Sorry, I'm not comfortable with the baby being around the smoking, so maybe we should meet at a resturant/park/other smoke free place or maybe you guys can come over here"

it's not something I would give in on. and this coming from someone who smoked up until I found out I was pregnant this time around. (12 weeks now) It's not going to be a nice converstation, but if you feel strongly enough about it, it needs to happen. good luck

Answer 15

Tell them flat out, NO SMOKING IN THE HOUSE. If they grumble and can't understand that it's for the health of the newborn, then they deserve to get their feelings hurt.

Answer 16

Don't visit their home. If they want to see the new baby then they can come to you. And make sure that when they hold your baby they wash their hands and arms thoroughly and they drape a blanket over their front so the baby isn't directly against their clothing. Clothing actually absorbs the nicotine and other chemicals so you don't want your baby right up against that. It can be harmful.

I had this same problem with my first baby. This is how I handled it. I learned these methods from a tobacco awareness class that I took. I am an ex-smoker as well.

Don't let anyone try to talk you into going into their home with your baby if you feel it is not a good environment. They need to understand that you are trying to protect your baby from something harmful. Even if for the day you visit they smoke outside the environment will still have the chemicals in the air and furniture. They would have to stop a month before you visit and clean everything thoroughly. Your baby's health is more important than visiting family members. They can come to you. Don't feel bad. I have done it too. Don't give in. Giving in can be harmful to your baby.

Being around those chemicals can cause SIDS, asthma, respiratory illness.... Lung problems.... you don't want to risk it for your baby's sake. If people want to get mad at you for protecting your baby then let them.